Pure Torture: a Hunger Games Fanfiction

Chapter 37

Katniss

"2am, where do I begin? I'm crying off my face again. The silent sound of loneliness, wants to follow me to bed." -Christina Perri

Week One, Day three of Peeta, Finnick, and Gale being gone. The loneliness has long past set in and is reaching levels I didn't even know possible.

Sure, the occasional visit from Haymitch and my brief but daily talks with Peeta are nice, but nothing could ever be as good as just having them here. Some people might call it separation problems, but the anxiety and depression of being mostly all alone is really what gets me.

In the hospital, I sit on the bed, finally putting all my practice to good use.
The silence is so maddening, I have to put a call in for Haymitch. He's there 5 minutes later.
"Hey, sweetheart." He says.
"I really. Don't. Like. That. Name." I reply.
"That's too bad. It kinda stuck with you. Need something?" He says.
"A friend, I guess." I reply.
"Alright," he says, and pulls up a chair.

Our conversations are short and often times loaded.
"Haymitch?" I say after a long period of silence.
"Yeah?" He answers.
I stare at the wall, eyes unfocusing. I totally forget that I'm even talking. Everything around me blurs, and it's as if I'm alone again.
"Katniss...?" Haymitch asks.
I snap out of whatever little trance I was in.
"Wha-?" I say, startled. It all comes back to me. I let out a breath and put my hand to my forehead, pushing my hair back.
"Sorry. I guess I zoned out." I explain.
"What did you want?" He asks.

I think a little, trying to remember. It must have been important. And then it all comes flooding back.
"Thank you," I say, "For saving Peeta over me."

Instead of the "you're welcome" or "I told you I would" I was expecting, he's silent. I watch him go pale a little. He runs his hand through the scruff on his face.
"Haymitch... What is it?" I ask, confused.
"I don't even know if I should tell you." He says
"Tell me." I say.
He gives in to me.
"Okay. Fine. When they had the rescue planned, I was on the side of rescuing you. Not Peeta. So was Plutarch and some other people. Not a ton of people wanted to rescue Peeta, but one of the people who did was President Coin. And her vote sort of rules all. I wanted to get you out of that arena, but Coin insisted that he be rescued instead of you." He confesses.
"What?!" I say. I'm shocked. Not necessarily at the fact that Haymitch was going to disregard the deal, but that Coin thought that Peeta was of more use for the rebellion than me.
"She wanted Peeta?" I ask, making sure I heard him right. This is nothing against Peeta, but something against Coin.

"Coin thought that Peeta would be better. He's better with words. He's less... impulsive. She insisted that despite your stand-out status as Mockingjay, Peeta was just more convincing." He says.
"Less impulsive..." I say, mulling over the words.

Whatever Coin was thinking, I admit, she was right. I'm about as impulsive as it gets. Peeta's gentle and thoughtful and patient. The complete opposite of me.
"She's right." I conclude.
"I wanted to save you. I'm sorry." He says.
"Don't. I'm glad Coin overruled you. If Peeta was hijacked..." I say. That's a door I don't even want to open. It's terrifying on so many levels. If they could hijack me against myself, they could probably do that to him with himself. Or maybe even another person. Maybe even me.

No. I'm glad Peeta was rescued, not me.
"Well, thank you, anyway. It worked out right for me." I say. I give him a smile, for effect.
"You're not upset that you were hijacked and tortured?" Haymitch asks.
"No. If it wasn't Peeta, then I'm totally okay with it. I don't care the price I have to pay, this whole war was my fault. It wasn't his. He doesn't need to pay for it." I say.
Haymitch nods. The conversation ends. I sit cross-legged on my hospital bed. Maybe Haymitch talks to me. Maybe he leaves me alone. I can't tell. I feel myself zoning out, becoming blinded to my immediate surroundings. All there is in my brain is the gray walls and myself. No Haymitch, no hospital bed, no IV or heart monitor... Just me and walls.

I feel my eyes drooping, but I'm not tired. My brain is elsewhere. For a moment, I catch scents of Peppermint and of cinnamon. The good smells fade into a different scent that's tinged with the metallic smell of blood. I push through fog covered water. I'm overtaken with panic as I realize I'm lost.

I tread water, becoming tired and weakened. I think I hear someone saying my name. A couple times, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I try to make it stay there, but it dissolves into thin air. Is this even real life? Suddenly, I'm jolted back into a sense of reality. My eyes are still half-closed and I'm frozen where I sit. I hear movement around me, and after straining my ears a good bit, I can hear exactly what's going on. My brain begs to leave reality and go back to the warmth and damp of the fog and water. But something inside me fights to remain here. I'm not going anywhere.

I hear Haymitch. It sounds like he's bent over next to me, trying to get a response out of me.
"Katniss? Come on, girl. Please answer. I know you're in there." He says.
No words come out of my mouth. The only think that shows I could be alive is my rhythmic breathing and my slow blinks.

I want to answer him so badly, but I can't. I can't even move. I listen as he walks out of he room, only to return with a doctor and nurse. Or maybe two nurses... I can't tell.
"Katniss?" One says, sweetly.
I feel like I'm pounding my fists on myself, fighting to break free of this prison and get out. But I can't. I sit, motionless and soundless.

"Doctor, what do you want us to do with her?" The other nurse asks.
"This is so peculiar. I've never seen anything like it before. For now, lay her down and give her some sleeping medicine via the IV. I want a brain scan done on her tonight or tomorrow. Preferably whenever she wakes up." He says. I hear the scratching of a pen on a piece of paper.

The next thing I know, the nurses have moved my limbs for me, laying me down in my bed. Haymitch still sits on the chair next to my bed. The nurses turned me to face him, laying on my side. One of the nurses speaks to Haymitch.
"The sleeping medicine will take effect in anywhere from 5-10 minutes. You should probably call Peeta and tell him what's going on." The nurse with the sweet voice says.
"By the way," she says, "I'm Maya."

"Okay, Maya. I'll call him now. Thanks." Haymitch answers. I can't see what happens, but I would imagine Maya nods and I hear her footsteps grow fainter as she leaves. When Haymitch is alone, I hear him press some buttons on some device that connects him to Peeta's headset.

"Peeta?" I hear Haymitch say.
I hear his voice on the other end, strong and warm and all his own. I can't tell what he's saying, though.
"Listen, here's the thing. She's just done this thing where she zoned out entirely after a conversation. Her eyes drooped and she was like paralyzed. She couldn't move or speak or anything." Haymitch says.
Peeta asks something.
"Totally unresponsive." Haymitch says.
Peeta asks another question. This time I know what it is, because Haymitch repeats it.

"What are they going to do? Well, they've just put her on some sleep meds, and then when she wakes up she's going in for a brain scan ASAP." Haymitch explains.
Peeta replies, and I hear Haymitch say okay. The next thing I know, Haymitch is talking to me.
"Katniss, I'm assuming you can hear me. Peeta wants to say something to you. I'm going to put the headset on you, okay? That's all." He says.
He places it on my head so I can hear Peeta's strong voice talking.

"Katniss? Hey, Katniss. I miss you a lot. I'm okay and so is everyone else, don't worry. I know it's hard there without me and Gale and Finnick. Now is the time you need to be strong, okay? Fight off the relapses. And for your brain scan, I can bet you're probably scared. It's going to be okay. Whatever they find is going to be okay. Haymitch is going to alert me and then we can talk if you need it, okay?" He says. I would say okay (and probably burst into a puddle of tears), but I can't.
"I'll take that as an okay." He says, "Alright. I have to go, now...."

I hear his words fading out slowly as the sleep medicine finally kicks in.

"...love you Katniss....always with you...gonna be okay... Always..." I hear.

And then his voice cuts out, and I've fallen completely into the dark abyss that is sleep.