Pure Torture: a Hunger Games Fanfiction

Chapter 53

Katniss

"You have my heart but I lock it up.
This burning flame's been burnt enough." -Birdy

Peeta wakes up soon and finds me laying on the couch, still awake.
"You alright? I felt you get up when the phone rang." He asks.
"Peeta, they found out." I say numbly. This is the last thing I wanted. I wanted to get married in secret, nobody would have to know. Nobody would make a huge deal about it. It could just be love, not publicity.

"Who's they? Who found out? What?" He asks, holding my hand.
"The Capitol. Caesar Flickerman. They know about the engagement." I say.
"They do? How?" He asks, confused.
"I don't know! I told Effie not to tell anyone! But now they want us to come for an Interview with Caesar!" I say, getting upset.
Peeta rubs his face in frustration.
"I guess we have to go then." He says.
"Yeah." I say.
"Well, When's the interview?" He asks.
"They said Wednesday." I reply.
"Wednesday? We'd better leave tomorrow then." He says.
I nod in agreement.

All I can do is stare at the floor. Doing this interview for all of Panem... It feels unreal. Unthinkable. Unimaginable. I'll have to go back to the Capitol, a place full of pain and fear for me.
"Peeta, I can't do this." I say numbly, eyes locked on the ground. I feel my chest tightening up and my breaths becoming shallow.
"Katniss? Are you alright?" He asks slowly.
All I can do is shake my head. No.
I try to focus on holding in my sobs. I try so hard, I begin to shake and heave uneven breaths. Before anything else can happen, Peeta rushes to put his arms around me and pulls me back towards him so I'm laying on the couch next to him in his arms.
I lie there, shaking from trying to hold it in, in his arms.
"Katniss, stop. You can't try to hold it in. You need to let it out." Peeta says.
I don't do what he says. I continue heaving and trembling.
"Katniss, look at me," He says. He puts his hand on my chin and turns my head so I'm staring into his blue eyes, "Let it out. You can't keep doing this to yourself. I see you, Katniss. I know you're trying to keep everything bottled up inside of you because you want to look strong. I get that. But keeping all of your pain and grief and fear inside you doesn't make you stronger, it tears at you until you're nothing more than what they are. Just let go. Cry. It's alright. You're safe here, in my arms."

I shut my eyes and let out a breath, which turns into a whimper, which turns into a sob. I breathe in deeply and let the air out as a cry.
"There you go. That's it." Peeta says soothingly. He holds me tightly and I cry into his shirt. I've got so many reasons to cry and scream and hurt, I can't even remember what I'm crying about.
But they keep coming, wave after wave of sobs.

--

By the next day, we're packed up and head to the new train station in 12. I hold a travel case in my hand and my other is tightly entwined with Peeta's. He buys the train tickets and we sit on the bench, waiting for the train to finally arrive.
"I don't want to do this." I say.
"I know you don't. I'm sorry this all got out." He replies.
I'm silent. There's not much to say. We just sit there, holding hands, keeping to ourselves until the train comes. When we board, we're met by a crowded car full of all sorts of people. It's a mixture of Capitol people, looking normal but a bit less crazy, and other normal-looking citizens.

No matter who they are, they turn to each other and whisper and stare as we sit together.

"Did you hear that they might be engaged?"
"Look at that ring!"
"Are they getting married?"
"I wonder if she's going to have a baby!"
"People are saying she's not doing well!"
"I heard she got attacked!"

People whisper nonstop about me and my life. I so badly want to disappear, but I can't. This is my new reality. This is what I'll have to deal with whenever something happens. This is just another price I'll have to pay. Slowly, I rest my head on Peeta's shoulder and close my eyes. Eventually the monotonous movements of the train and the slight humming noises and Peeta's touch lull me to sleep.