Pure Torture: a Hunger Games Fanfiction

Chapter 89

Katniss

"My skin will scream, reminding me of who I killed inside my dream. I hate this car that I'm driving. There's no hiding for me. I'm forced to deal with what I feel. There is no distraction to mask what is real."
-twenty one pilots

I feel my heart begging Peeta to turn around. Turn around, Peeta. Don't go in there. Don't go in there. You'll just be disappointed. Don't do it. But even if he were to hear my plea, he would be suspicious. He would go in anyway. I want to disappear. I want to sink into the cushion of the bed and never return.

I hear something crunch under Peeta's weight. A pill. He turns to look back at me, clearly confused by the sound. His hands fumble on the wall to find a light switch so he can examine what the cause of the noise was.

Finally he finds it, and when the light flicks on, I find the light shatters all my will and composure.

Immediately, I begin to cry. I try to hold it in at first, but heavy sobs escape my lungs before I can stop them. There's no doubt Peeta sees the pills on the ground. I watch him from the bed, staring at the back of his body. I watch the back of his head and try to find where his gaze is at.

Not much to my surprise, it's on a pill. The one that rolled right next to the toilet. He turns his head slightly to the left and catches sight of the dusty remnants of the pill he crushed with his foot.

He puts his fingertips on his forehead and turns around to look at me briefly. He looks at me, then looks to the pills. Then back at me. I continue crying, but through the tears I'm trying to conceal, I see the realization begin to creep across his face. He's putting the pieces together.

"Katniss..." He says. But that's it. That's all he says.
He kneels down on the bathroom floor and begins to crush all of the pills except for three. Three. All that's left in the orange pill bottle that he took from my hands after he disposed of the pill dust. I know why he did. I know he did it to keep me from trying again later. Because I can't overdose on three pills. But I have them in case I need them.

He pries the now capped bottle of pills from my hand and carries them gingerly back a few yards to the bathroom's medicine cabinet. I tried so hard to keep an iron grip on the bottle in hopes he'd let me keep it. But he's stronger than I am. His one arm could out-lift both of mine.

Then, once he knows the pills aren't a problem, he returns his attention to me. I haven't really stopped crying, but I've gotten the sobs under control.
"Katniss..." Is all he says as he holds me, whispering into my hair.
"I know. I'm so sorry." I say, a bit loud compared to Peeta's heartbroken whisper, the tears beginning to flow more heavily.

"You were doing so well. You were... You were recovering..." He says.
"I know. I'm so sorry." I repeat. It's the only thing I feel like I can say.
I feel one of his tears drip into my hair.
He stays quiet. I wish I knew what was going on in his head. But then again, he wishes the same for me.

"Why?" Is all he gets out.
"I don't... I don't know. You left and I just. I just felt so alone." I cry.
"I was a house away." Peeta says.
"You were so mad at me. I didn't think you'd care what happened to me..." I say.

"You didn't think I'd care?" He asks.
"I thought you hated me." I say.
"I was mad. But when we got married we promised, Katniss. We made a promise that we would love each other, even when we hate each other." He says.
"I..."
"Just because I get angry doesn't mean I stop loving you. I could never just stop loving you."

"But I'm not recovering anymore. I'm just... Damaged goods." I say.
"I don't care. You're not damaged goods, and even if you were, I'd still love you. I always love you." He says.
"I'm sorry..." I say. I think about everything all over again and I start crying harder again.
"It's okay," he says, holding me close. "You're okay. It's all okay. You can just let it out."