Pure Torture: a Hunger Games Fanfiction

Chapter 39

Katniss

"And I know the scariest part is trying to let go." -Christina Perri

"No. We can try to minimize it, but will it ever go away? No. Most likely not." Doctor Stone says.

I shut my eyes immediately, trying to escape this room and just leave. Go out into the woods where none of my problems have to exist.
"Are you sure?" Haymitch asks.
"Drop it, Haymitch. He's sure." I cut in.
I stop talking then and there. I don't want to talk. I want to die. I can't go on living like this.
"So what are you going to do?" Haymitch asks the doctor.
"Well," Doctor Stone replies, "There's no real treatment. We can try to put her on medication that might help, but there's no guarantee that it'll do anything."

I get up and walk out. I can't listen to them talking about how I'm not going to ever get better. I'm not ever going to be who I was before this. I have to let it go. I have to let her go.

I haven't made it very far before Haymitch and Doctor Stone find me.
"Miss Everdeen," the Doctor says, "I know this is hard, but we need to talk about what we're going to do. You can't just run away from this and think it's going to go away!"
I don't say anything.

The Doctor Continues. "Now, we can put you on the medicine-"
"No." I say, not caring if I've just cut him off mid-sentence. And then I turn and walk away. I'm going to find somewhere to be alone. Somewhere to deal with this myself. I need to cope, and I need to do that alone.

I find a laundry center and hide behind one of the abundant warm pipes. I hold my head in my hands, covering my eyes and cheeks and forehead, and try to cope. I grieve for the girl who volunteered for her sister at the Reaping. I grieve for the Victor sent into the Games a second time with her true love. I grieve for the girl and the boy on the beach. I grieve for the old me. I cry more than I ever have before.

Somehow, Haymitch finds me. He helps me up from behind the pipe. I've got a terrible headache and I'm shivering nonstop. He pulls me into a tight hug. I cry into his shoulder.
"I know." He says. "I know, Sweetheart."
I just cry and shiver.
"I'm going to kill Snow." I say, "He's the reason I'm like this. I'm going to kill him for it."
Haymitch nods. My small bit of anger towards Snow disintegrates then and there, and I'm stripped back down to sadness and depression.

"How about that medicine? Do you want to try it?" He asks.
"God, no. It won't work. I don't want anything those people want to give me." I say.
"Katniss. You can't just give up on yourself and mope around all day. I'm not done fighting. And you know why? Because I know you're still alive and you're going to live a long life. You need to realize that. You're. Not. Dead. Yet." He says.
I look at the floor.
"I mean, are you really going to let Snow see you dead? It'll be his doing, too! Don't give him that sort of satisfaction."

"I already have." I say, blankly.
"What do you mean?" He replies.
"He knows what he's done. He knew the whole time. He knows he's made me as good as dead." I say.
"Well, I think you should at least try the medicine. It could help..." He says.
"Fine. Whatever." I say. I wish he would just go away, leave me here to cry some more and grieve and try to cope. But he doesn't leave.

"I have such a bad headache." I state. I'm still shaking. Haymitch looks me over.
"Come on," He says, "let's get you back to that hospital."
Reluctantly, I go with him. I need Morphling or something. We reach the hospital in a few minutes. I stare blankly at my arm as the nurse puts my IV back in. I don't even flinch anymore when the needle goes in my vein. I'm so used to it.

When they leave, it's just me and Haymitch.
"What are you going to tell Peeta?" I ask him, knowing I'm not strong enough to do it myself.
"I don't know." He replies.
"And what am I going to tell my family?" I ask.
"I don't know that, either." He says.
It's going to be a rough day.
"I guess we should go talk to them." I say. I sit myself up, swing my legs off the side of the bed, and stand. I take my IV pole, reluctantly. I hate that thing so much...