Pure Torture: a Hunger Games Fanfiction

Chapter 18

Katniss

The doctors call it suicide watch.

I don't know the logistics of it, but I get a general idea of what it means. I'm not stupid. They're being extra careful to watch that I don't try and kill myself like I have before.

The doctors also tell me that it should help.

They're wrong.

'Suicide watch' only makes my life worse. They're always watching to make sure I'm eating and taking my medications correctly. Actually, they're always watching. Even when I'm sleeping, they watch. When the doctors need a break, they tell Peeta that it's mandatory to stay with me.
"I wouldn't leave anyway." He always says.

I think the doctors like getting a break from me. I never cooperate with them unless I'm too tired or too depressed to fight it. All of the doctors used to want to work with me so they could be prized with 'fixing' me. As if that could ever really be done.

So, yeah. Ever since my 2nd episode where I tried to kill myself, they've just been watching and watching. It drives me insane. I sit criss-cross on my bed, thinking about life before this or sometimes even totally zone out. I become unreachable to anyone but Peeta or Prim or Finnick or Haymitch.

"Hello?" His voice says, tearing through the silence of my room and reaching into my trance to pull me out.
It's Finnick.

I turn my head to see Finnick standing in the door to my room. I give him a tiny smile, as if trying to show him he can come in. He must not see it.
"Uh, I can come back later if y--"
"It's okay. You can come in." I say.

So he does. I've only seen him once since I was brought back. He seems relatively excited to be here, or anxious.
"So, uh, I told the doctors that they could take a break and that I'd stay with you until they came back. They just left. There's nobody watching, just me." He says.

Perfect! I can get the job done, maybe.
My eyes just show what I'm thinking, because he speaks quickly again.
"But Nope, I'm not letting you do.. Um.. I'm not letting you do that." He says.
I knew he was going to say that.
"Why did you say that, then?" I ask, trying to convince myself that I care about whatever this is.
"I'm going to show you something. I got Beetee in on it, he showed me how to hack the viewing system in this room. I have something special I need to show you, but none of the doctors can know about it, okay?" He says.
"Um... Alright." I say, cautiously.
He smiles.
He then takes the small TV monitor attached to my bed, used for mandatory broadcasts only, and moves it into my view. He taps the bed.
"Can I sit?" He asks.
"Uh, yeah, of course." I say, moving over. I'm careful to keep my bad leg in a comfortable position.

When he sits down, he begins tapping on the screen. The screen is so bright, it gives my tired brain a headache. I decide to not look at it until he taps my shoulder.
"Katniss? You okay?" He asks, concerned.
"Yeah, I'm alright. Just a little headache from the brightness." I say, brushing of his concerns.
"It's ready." He says, "Oh! Here, let me turn down the brightness."

When I return my gaze to the screen, the brightness has decreased. It's much better.
"Thanks." I say.
I watch as he presses a button I never noticed before.

Then Peeta shows up on the screen. My heart skips a beat.
"What is this?" I ask.
"This," He explains, "is a Propo that was never aired. Nobody's seen it. Actually, not even me."
"Then how do you know you want to show it to me?" I ask.
"Just because I haven't seen it, doesn't mean I don't know what it actually is." He says with a grin.

Whatever. I'll go with.
"Okay..." He says, "Here it goes."
--

I am staring at the face of Peeta, accompanied by some soft music. The music is pretty and comforting. Not what I was expecting from a Rebel Propoganda Film.

"Tell me about her." A woman's kind voice says from behind the camera.

Peeta begins.
"She's... She's amazing." He starts.
I continue to watch as he talks about me. What he's saying is so freaking beautiful. Tears begin to form in my eyes, because I don't deserve such a wonderful person like Peeta. But he chose me. And I think I choose him, too.

He goes on to say that although I have a hard shell, I'm a truly beautiful person inside and out. He talks about my singing. And then, he talks about something odd. If I'm dead...

"Why is he talking about--"
"This was filmed the day of your rescue. You were believed to be dead, it was uncertain." Finnick explains.

Peeta talks about making my life count for something, that he won't waste what I have done for him. Then he talks about how I saved him.
"She risked her life to get me my medicine. She saved me." He says.

Something's wrong. Peeta's words confuse me. I didn't save him! I tried to kill him. Didn't I? The thoughts swirl in my brain, making me so dizzy I feel as if I'm going to vomit. I try to take deep, calm breaths, but I can't. I feel as if I've forgotten how to breathe. At the realization of this, I grab at Finnick's shoulder.
"Can't breathe.... Help!" I rasp out, between attempts to suck in any air I can.
Finnick's eyes widen. He immediately shuts off the Propo and gets up. He rushes to the door. He's leaving me! I think. When he reaches the door, he begins yelling.
"Doctor! I need a Doctor!" He yells.
"Hold on!" Someone yells.
Finnick rushes back to me. I've fallen to the floor, my leg now bleeding.

I feel something coming on. I try to fight the overwhelming voices in my head telling me to just do it. To just end this all. I hyperventilate as I see memories of me murdering kids in the arena. I see myself, ignoring my family, leaving them to starve. I watch as I shoot Peeta's hand in the first games, trying to kill him. I see myself, dropping the Tracker Jacker nest onto the other tributes in the arena, including Peeta.

I'm sobbing and going hysterical.
My brain begins to go insane. I'm back in my cell in the Capitol, being beaten bloody and yelled at. I'm back in the darkness, listening to the screams of my loved ones. Or is it me who is screaming?

I'm on my knees, head in my hands covering my face. I scream. It's all I can do. I feel hands on my back.

A voice calls me from the pure torture I'm in.
"Katniss! Look at me! It's not real! This isn't real!" The voice says. Peeta.

My head flies up when I hear his voice.
He looks relieved to see that I heard him.

But then something inside me snaps.

When I see his face, I am not met with a feeling of relief. Instead, I'm overcome with fear. Fear of myself, fear of what's around me, fear of everything. I try to back away, but I remember I'm on my knees. I see blood pooling around my leg. Peeta extends his arm out to me, putting his hand on my shoulder. I flinch.

My screaming doesn't stop.
I'm glad it's not night time, because I know I'm disrupting so many other patients right now. But I can't stop!
Peeta's yelling now.
"it's not real, Katniss!" He yells. His eyes are filled with tears.
"Please!" He begs, "Stay with me! You can't leave me like this!"

The flashbacks are coming back, worse than before. I claw at my face leaving scratches and blood.

For the first time since this began, I form a coherent sentence. It comes out as a shriek.
"Make it stop! Please help me!" I shriek.

Peeta continues to beg me. I'm too far gone to move away from him when he comes next to me. He places his arms around me, kneeling on the ground like I am.
"Katniss, stay with me!" He begs through tears.

He then turns to the astonished doctor.
"Do something! Help her! " He yells.

I feel a sharp pain in my neck. At least, I think I do. I'm so insane, I can't really even tell. My screaming ceases. My breaths slow a little. I feel myself slipping away.
"Always." I manage to say.

The world is watery, like the ocean. I'm being pulled out to sea, once again.

The water fills my lungs. I scream louder than ever before. But the scream is only audible to me.