Pure Torture: a Hunger Games Fanfiction

Chapter 68

Katniss

"I still want to drown whenever you leave, please teach me gently how to breathe." -Birdy

It must be 1:00. It must be well past midnight when I finally rise from where I sit crouched in the bathroom.

I carefully unlatch the door and open it slowly and as quietly as possible, fearing waking Peeta up.
But he's not there; he's not in bed.
My heart speeds up, and I try to take deep breaths. He's downstairs. He's fine. I tell myself.

And he is. He is downstairs. I pad down the stairs to find him awake, sitting on the couch in front of the fire. A flood of relief washes over me, but it diminishes when I see that he's been crying.
Oh no.

He must not see or hear me standing at the bottom of the stairs, because he doesn't look at me.
I walk over slowly and sit down next to him.
"Hey." I say quietly.
"Hey." He says, still not looking at me.
"What are you, uh, what are you doing awake? It's really late." I ask.
"I could ask you the same." He replies.

"Couldn't sleep." I say.
"I guess that makes 2 of us," He says, "You were in bed?"
"Well, no," I say, "Not exactly."
He finally looks at me.
"Where were you, then?"
"I just kind of sat in the bathroom." I reply blandly.
"Oh." He says.
"Yeah."

We're silent for what seems like hours, but it's only a few minutes. I fixate my eyes on the flames in the fire.
I can't take the silence. It fills every crack in my being and it just makes me feel so empty and uncomfortable.

I regret what I said. I don't want to apologize, but I know it's the only way to repair the damage I caused.

I take a deep breath.
"Peeta, listen." I start.
"You're going to apologize. Don't." He says.
I'm taken aback for a moment.
"What?"
"Don't apologize. You don't need to." He says.

"Yes I do. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have exploded on you like that." I say.
"But you were right." He says.
"No, I wasn't." I reply.
He takes a shaky breath.
"You do know that I only worry about you because I love you, right? I don't worry about you because I think you're incapable. I worry about you because I love you, I worry about you because I care about you. You're the only one I have left, Katniss. I can't lose you." He says. His voice wavers.

"I know. I'm sorry, it was just sort of a spur of the moment thing. You know how I can be sometimes." I say.
"What do you mean?" He asks.
"I just don't see how anyone could love me. I know you do, I just don't understand." I say.

"Not this again," He says, a hint of joking in his soft voice. But the joking dissipates as his eyes find mine, which are misty with tears.
I do not deserve to be loved when I constantly do this to people. The pain Peeta feels is all because of me.

"Do you need me to tell you why I love you?" He asks.
I mean to answer yes, but I can't get the word out. He proceeds anyway.

"I love you," He says, "Because of you. Everything about you. Ever since I was a little boy.
You're beautiful. I know you don't think so, and I know you think you're ugly and a mess, but that's not how I see you. I see your beauty, not just on the outside. I see the beauty in your laugh, and in your cries. I see your beauty in your strength. And I know you think you're weak sometimes, but you're not. There has never been a time where you were weak. Not once.

I love your smile, I love your laugh, I love your tears, I love your eyes and your nose and your mouth, I love your hair and I love your skin and everything about you. I love you and everything that comes with you. I know you will never be able to see yourself the way I see you every day, but that doesn't stop me from seeing it. I don't care if I have to tell you every day why I love you. I just need you to know that I do."