Pure Torture: a Hunger Games Fanfiction

Chapter 14

Katniss

"Katniss?"

A voice calls me from my sleep. I beg nothing in particular to let me continue sleeping, but it doesn't work. I immediately feel the sharp pain in my leg. But oddly, instead of feeling the cold, hard surface of my cell floor, I feel like I'm somewhere else.

I open my eyes and jump, startled. Someone is standing over me. The jumping makes me wince a little. When my vision focuses, I can finally recognize the face of the person.

Peeta.

I am overcome with a feeling of relief, and I want to hug him, but then the feeling is smothered out by a feeling of regret, guilt, and sadness. I can see how tired he looks, and how broken he is inside. It's my fault.

"Katniss?" He says, hopefully.
I fight to get to him. I fight to get words out of my mouth and tell him how I love him. But I have to fight for every word, every letter I can get out. I'm struggling. My eyes flood with tears.

"Peeta," I say, as loud as I can. But still, it comes out as a barely audible whisper. I watch as relief floods over his face.

He takes my hand, and part of me wants to scream at him to not touch me. I'm a mutt! I could hurt him! But then he speaks.

"It's okay. You're okay. I'm here with you. Don't worry." He says, quietly trying to comfort me. At first it does. I realize that I'm not in the Capitol.

But then I realize that people risked their lives to get me out. I don't deserve this. I deserve pain and death and suffering. I've caused pain and death and suffering for so many. I'm drowned in grief and regrets and guilt. I feel as if I'm going mad. I need to put and end to this. I finally find words, but now I fight through tears.

"I'm sorry," I choke out, "This is all my fault!"

"Katniss, what are you talking about? It's okay. You're fine!" He says, trying to reassure me. But I'm inconsolable.
I'm slipping farther and farther out of reach. Nobody can help me with these demons that haunt me. This needs to end. I frantically search for something, anything that can help me get the job done. I sit up, ignoring the sharp pain in my leg from my gunshot wound. I spot a medical tool tray next to the hospital exam table I sit on.

Peeta looks at me quizzically. He follows my gaze as I'm stuck between choosing a needle, or some other sharp tool I don't know the name of. I quickly rule out the needle, as it could have Morphling or a medicine that could help me stay alive. No, I don't need that.

I slowly and painfully reach for the tool. It's cool and shiny in my hands. I clutch the handle so tightly, my knuckles turn white. My hands are shaking.

I think Peeta believes I'm going to go at him, trying to kill him. You're wrong... I think. I'm not going to go at him.
I'm sorry, Peeta. I think. I begin thinking of every happy moment in my life.
When Prim was born... Singing with my father... Hunting with Gale... Talking with Peeta on the train about our favorite colors. I try to hold on to these few happy moments.

I wish I didn't have to do this. But I do.

Peeta watches, confused.

I then take the tool and turn it towards myself.
--
I'm about to do it. I will myself to just push the tool into my stomach and end it. But there's something holding me in this position. Those happy memories I thought would help me get this done are holding me here. I am frozen in this position, tool clutched in my hands. These happy memories give me one thing I'm so deprived of... Hope.

And I can't stand it. I've been in this position for around 3 seconds, now.

Head down, tears falling, knuckles white, body shaking. I'm only a shell of the person I used to be.

That's when he's there. He moves so quickly, and I'm too weak to fight him. He knocks the tool out of my hands and kicks it across the floor, so I can't reach. Before I can move, his lips are pressed to mine.
"No." He says, "You can't do this."
"And why not?" I ask. A stray tear falls from my eye.
"Because I love you. And when you love someone, You don't let them destroy the person they are. I love you Katniss. Nothing can change that."

He goes on, but I'm too upset to listen past what he's saying. Angels and demons fight Inside me. I fight to get to him. I fight to destroy what's destroying me. My brain is running wild.

"You can't trust me. I'm a monster. I killed your family, Peeta! I'm a mutt!" I say.
"What have they done to you?" He says.

I explain how now I can see who I really am. Worthless, undeserving, hateful, lethal, ugly... I'm a monster. I can't stand myself.
--
When Peeta decides he needs to leave, I grab his arm. I urge him to stay. I am suddenly overcome with an undying fear. It can only be quieted by Peeta.
"Where's my family?! Are they okay?" I ask, panicking.
He reassures me, telling me that it's late and that they're asleep. He explains that the doctors Aren't here for torture. They're going to fix my leg. He says that my family will visit me very soon. He promises me that.

Once I'm calmed down, I feel such an extreme exhaustion. Peeta lifts me, careful not to disturb my leg, into the hospital bed they brought up next to the exam table. He covers me up, except the leg the doctors examine.

He tells me a story, but I don't really listen. I try to relax, remembering that I'm with Peeta and people I love. People who aren't afraid of me and the monster I am. I try to forget my torture, but the memories that feel purple and shiny fight to the front of my brain.

Although the memories themselves stop once I drift off to sleep, they promise to surface back into my mind as I sleep. They promise to haunt me in my nightmares tonight.