Above All

-Ninety-One-

Hair flows playfully
Gift of love below true home
Silence after life

Amani:

          "Knew it!" I whispered hastily to myself as I looked at the trickles or...remnants I might say of spotting residing in my underwear. I had been feeling quite odd these past few days; in the beginning it started with the dizziness, exhaustion after a long day of working, and then the over insistent need to use the restroom, oddly enough; come to find out it was simply my....

            Period.

            I saved myself agony of having to look at a negative pregnancy test; I've looked at too many of those and it was heartbreaking every single time. I promised Lay that I would stop stressing out so much and, in that promise, we had decided taking some time off from pulling out one of those sticks to get another look.

            We would just "let it happen".

            I wouldn't lie, I did have an urge to pull one from the bathroom drawer and give it another go, but I don't think I had it in me. What if I wasn't? Who was I kidding, of course I'm not! Women would know things like this about their bodies, right?

            Nothing of how I was feeling was unusual to how I usually got come time from my menstrual cycle to begin—hence the spotting on my undergarments. I sighed deeply and cleaned myself up, switching my panties for a fresh pair and lined it with a pad; I'm sure once the day progressed, I'd be gushing as expected. My schedule today was quite packed, I had a few meetings, papers to look over, then a lunch with Éliane and Nyarai finalizing the little details left concerning the wedding happening in about a week; Layton was already up to his neck with things to get to as well and eventually, he had to step away in the evening for Cléa's daddy-daughter dance at her school.

            He was really excited about it all, it was all he could talk about when we got up this morning; I just loved seeing how happy he was with our children, stepping into his fatherly role as if it had been his lifetime goal. What ultimately broke me was how I was unable to give him, something he's also craved, which was one of his own.

            As much as I'd like to brush it off and pretend that it was okay; I was feeling lesser than a woman... someone unable to do something we were essentially gifted to be able to do, which was bring life in this world.

            And I couldn't do it.

            The one thing I just couldn't do.

            Then the news of my best friend's pregnancy, only fueled that insecurity within me; I was happy and supportive of her, don't get me wrong. I couldn't wait to see Rose's little mini-replica. As a matter of fact, I couldn't wait to plan her shower, but it made me think; if it was so easy for her to get pregnant, there had to be something wrong with me that it didn't happen just as fast, right?

            I didn't think I would have wanted children so soon after being married to Layton, but just being parents to Yame and Cléa was something that was so sacred and special to me; Layton's children-loving nature had rubbed off on me and I loved being a mother. Even if they weren't biologically my children, nothing brought me more joy than to see them happy and fulfilled—long gone were the days of their empty and pouting faces as were left to their own devices in the orphanage. Both of them were as expressive as can be, constantly running around the palace halls, filled with excitement and constant chatter.

            If anything, it honestly livened up the palace; I couldn't imagine Maelony without them at this point.

            After getting myself cleaned up, I resumed the remainder of my day a bit monotonous—meetings here and there, the work I had to go through in my office, but eventually, I got to look forward to lunch with my friends.