Tried With Fire - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 4

I bet you think everything was peachy now. I bet you think after I caught up on sleep, Hunter and I released all the sexual chemistry we had built up that Saturday afternoon and everything became perfect again. I bet you think my patience for my daughter and work was renewed and I went back to sleeping soundly every night for eight hours.

Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but none of that happened.

It's the strangest thing: all of the above should have happened because there was no conceivable reason for them not to! My marriage was fine, my daughter was happy, my DID was under control and work was only its usual level of stressful. Nothing was especially afflicting me. Yet, some paranoid part of me constantly kept my mind on the verge of a breakdown, and for every day of the next week I felt nervous and unsure of myself. Fortunately my dissociative periods stayed at a minimum, and I only let go of my grasp on myself once Olivia had gone to bed. That was the safest time to dissociate. That was the only time I could truly relax. Needless to say, Olivia did not know about my alters yet.

You may be wondering how I've managed that. 'But Ruth,' you might wonder, 'if you have ten other personalities inhabiting your body, how do you always keep yourself hosting until after Olivia's bedtime? How do you ensure that none of your alters take over in the middle of the day and cause you to crash your car or burn the house down or forget to pick up your daughter from school?'

Good question.

It is both an easy and impossible one to answer. The honest truth is, I can never be entirely sure that I will not dissociate into another personality within the next five seconds. I just cannot be sure. That being said, I do have a healthy, communicative relationship with almost all of my alters, excluding those of us who live in their own worlds until they are yanked out of it and plunged into mine. (Typically that only happens in times of great distress or trauma, but it is known to have happened at random too.) So, after many years of intense therapy with Dr Westone - now retired -, and a million internal conversations with my selves, my alters and I eventually became able to speak to each other freely and politely, not as irritable sardines packed tightly into one tin, but as human beings with feelings, opinions and principles. We are a team, as I said before. We work together to bring peace and positivity to my body, rather than struggling for power and 'hosting time' between ourselves. At 27 years old, I was finally, unanimously voted in as the host of my body and given the privilege of living my life, unencumbered by unnecessary take overs and dissociations. That's not to say I never dissociate anymore, because I do. At 31 I dissociated about once a week on average, but whenever I did it was only quick, and whichever alter hosted would normally let me watch from the sidelines of my head. That way my amnesiac periods dropped dramatically, I felt more in control of my life, and I felt like a safe parent to Olivia.

So in answer to your question, 'I can't.' I really can't. I can't be sure that I will never dissociate at the most adverse of times, or endure something unthinkable because of it. I can't hide my condition from Olivia forever, nor the reasons why I have it. I can't ensure my safety or the safety of my loved ones, I can't ensure that I won't forget something important or screw up as a parent or lose people I love dearly because of who I am.

But who can?

On Sunday morning I finally woke up from my deep sleep. The last thing I remembered was the sound of the front door banging shut as Hunter and Olivia left me to rest, then I collapsed onto Hunter's side of the bed and snored away for the next 20 hours. I'd dreamt of butterflies and blossom trees and wildflowers, and then a lot of naughty things Hunter probably wouldn't appreciate me writing down. By the time the sleeping pills wore off at 8 o'clock on Sunday morning, I was more than ready to have Hunter slide his arms around me and kiss my neck - if I didn't do it to him first.