Tried With Fire - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 5

I made it up to Olivia in the end. I told her how sorry I was for thinking that she was messy when she's not, and that I was just being silly because I felt so unwell. She had watched my eyes as I spoke to her on the pink carpet of her bedroom, occasionally glancing down at the scar on my palm as I used my hands to gesture how sorry I was. Then she smiled and gave me a hug, telling me that I was 'allowed to be tired' because I 'work with sad people all the time, and that must make you tired'. It took every fibre of my being to keep me from bursting into happy tears at the compassion of her words.

Hunter and I stayed away from each other for the rest of that Sunday. At around 2 o'clock Olivia got bored of drawing at the coffee table, and asked to go to the park. At first I told her it was too cold, but she insisted.
'I'll wear my big coat even!' she whined. 'The one Nonna buyed me that I hate.'
'It's a nice coat, Liv. And it's 'bought', not 'buyed'.' Hunter called out from his armchair. He was sketching something, but I was too far away to see it and didn't fancy getting closer to him. I pushed my laptop off my lap, onto the sofa beside me. (I'd been revisiting my notes on my convalescents over the last few weeks to help me plan our next sessions. Tedious work, only made tolerable by how much it helped keep us all on track.)
'It's icy outside, Olivia.' I said, rubbing my tired eyes. 'You'd freeze.'
'No I won't! Please Mummy, I won't say I'm cold even one time. Can't we just go for a little while?'
               Hunter glanced over at me.
'Liv, Mummy's still not feeling better. She needs to rest some more.'
'No I don't.' I said stubbornly. 'I'm fine.' Hunter sighed.
'Apologies, then.' He tossed his sketchpad onto the table, so that it fell beside his daughter's. I refused to look at what he'd drawn because I was in the mood to be irritated by everything. I did look over at Olivia's drawings, however, which made it hard to breathe. She'd drawn me and Hunter in the clothes we were wearing, and herself in a princess dress between us. There were fairies fluttering all around the page, and a red heart shape in the sky between mine and Hunter's heads, just above hers.
               'This is amazing, Olivia.' I beamed. She smiled up at me.
'That's you, and Daddy, and that's me!'
'Wow! It almost looks real! Can I keep it?'
'Okay!'
'Thank you. I'll put it on the wall in my room, so I can see it all the time.'
'Sheesh, don't strain yourself too hard, Ruth. The vein in your forehead is starting to pop through all the fake smiling.'
               Olivia seemed pleased, however, so I kissed the top of her head and stood up.
'Can we go to the park now, Mummy? Pleeeeease?'
'Yeah, alright, bambina. But we won't go out for long, or you'll turn into a block of ice.' I pinched her cheek, so she laughed and ran upstairs to find her 'big coat'. I watched her go, and then collapsed back onto the sofa. Hunter uncrossed his leg and looked at me. 'Are you coming?' I asked plainly. I finally looked back at him, but the sight of his piercing eyes sent a shiver up my spine.
'Yeah.' he said.
'Because you don't trust me to take care of her after this morning?'
'Oh, stop provoking the man. You'll be the depressed one when he eventually snaps back at you.'
'No.' Hunter replied, just as grumpily.
'Fine then.'
               I stood up to get my coat, hoping Hunter's hand would grasp at mine, but it didn't. He was getting tired of my attitude. I couldn't blame him: my forehead didn't exactly have 'approachable' written across it.

We walked to the park. It only took a few minutes. The paths were frosty, but I felt too sullen to reach out and hold onto Hunter's hand. He didn't have a spare hand to offer me anyway, since he was holding Olivia in his arms and chatting away with her. I just watched the path ahead, entirely focused on the simple action of putting one foot in front of the other, and soon began to zone out...

At the park, Hunter put Olivia back onto her feet and she ran off in the direction of the slide.
'Be careful!' I called out, present again. The wind was nipping at my neck, so I adjusted my scarf around it and sat down on a nearby bench. Hunter followed. He sat beside me and put his arm up on the metal behind my shoulders.
                I just kept my eyes on Olivia. Nobody else was around so she took a thousand turns on the slide.
               'Ruth, I think we should talk.' Hunter said after a long time. I glanced up at him.
'What's there to talk about?' I sighed. I leant my head back against his arm. He shuffled closer.
'I can't seem to stop annoying you.'
'I'm just in a bad mood.' I admitted.
'But you can turn it off for Olivia.'
'It's an act. I'm always acting around her.'
               Sad, I turned my head to face my husband's and sighed again. I could see my breath. He looked into my eyes.
'I hate that you do.'
'What choice do I have?' I asked, not really asking anything. There was no choice. Olivia simply was not old enough to know that I was crazy, nor understand why.
'Well, she's growing up.' Hunter shrugged. 'Why not just tell her about your alters? Once she knows, she knows, and you won't have to act anymore.'
'You don't...you don't really think she's ready, do you? Hunter, she's five. She's still so little.'
'I know. I know. But the younger she is when we tell her, the more normal it will be for her as she grows up. Your dissociations wouldn't come as a shock to her when she's ten. But if we keep hiding it from her, you'll only feel more and more anxious about telling her everything and when you finally do, she'll feel like she doesn't know you anymore.'
                Hunter had said it so lightly, as if he couldn't care less that his daughter was growing up with a mother who sometimes was not her mother at all.
'Hunter.' My eyes started to sting. His softened, and then closed as he kissed my forehead. 'I hate that she has to find out. I-I, I wish I could hide it forever.'
'I don't.' Hunter admitted. 'We both know it's better that she knows sooner rather than later. You're her mother, Ruth: alters and all. She's lucky to have you. You're a great mum, and having DID can't - and won't - change that.'
               I looked up at his earnest face, and sniffed. I nestled closer into his chest.
'I still wish I could be a normal mum for her.'
'Ruth, there are no 'normal mums'. Look at my mum - she's bonkers, but she's never doubted a thing she's done. You aren't bonkers, but you doubt yourself all the time. There's no single standard for a mum.'
               I pondered on that for a minute. By the time I could find the brain power to fully interpret what Hunter had said, a smile had crept onto my lips. I lifted my cold head. Hunter's cheeks were flushed pink with the cold, which only made him look cuter.
'Thank you.' I whispered. He smiled.
'Does this mean I'm forgiven?'
'Oh, please,' I scoffed, 'there's nothing to forgive. I shouldn't have been such a sulk all morning. I'm sorry.'
'Hey, you haven't said or done anything that I wouldn't have said or done if I'd barely slept since Tuesday. You look cold.'
'I am cold.' I showed him my purpling hands.
'Oh! Here, have my gloves.'
'No, no!' I chuckled and stopped him from taking the gloves off of his hands. 'Stop being so nice all the time.'
'I wasn't nice earlier.' he said. 'I-I shouldn't have led you on and then stopped what we were doing.'
'Oh, Hunter, we don't have to talk about that. I overreacted earlier. I just, freaked out.' I put my arm around his waist as I snuggled into him more.
'No, I understand. You felt rejected. And on our wedding day I promised to treat you better than that. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you.'