Tried With Fire - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 19

'This is nice.' Ethan said that evening. He'd picked me up from my house at five, since I had told him I needed to be home by seven. He seemed underwhelmed at the timing but happy enough that I had accepted the invitation at all. Now we were sitting in a posh Italian restaurant, dimly lit and somehow radiating the glow of blood orange.
'Yeah.' I said nervously. Ethan's hand was on the table, and I kept glancing at it, worried it might try to hold mine when I reached for my water. When I looked back at the man, he was smiling at me.
               'So,' Ethan said, 'what changed your mind?'
'I'm sorry?'
'What made you want to come out with me after all?'
'Oh, er, well...' I sighed a smile, 'this isn't a date, right? It's just a work meeting.'
'Sure.' Ethan shrugged, but his eyes were watching me intensely, as if I was a prized jewel he was about to steal from a king. I could feel him undressing me with his eyes. I suppose it was easy: Julie had dressed me up like a classy, confident lady, in the v-neck black dress I rarely wore anymore. It had tight, long sleeves and a loose skirt, finished off with a tie around the waist: the waist I would lose in a month or two once the baby started showing. Then Julie had ordered me to put black heels on my feet and finally, pin back the front layers of my hair in the way Hunter liked.

Ethan was wearing the suit he had presumably worn to work that day. It was black and his tie was navy blue and his hair was brown, grey-streaked and short. His eyes were brown too. They were still staring at me.
               'So.'
'So.' I said. Ethan shook his head, amused.
'You'd think we'd find it easier to talk to each other like this! It's not as if we don't have any middle ground.'
'True. Why don't you teach me something?'
'Teach you something?' Ethan asked.
'Yeah! You're a clever guy. Teach me something about psychology.'
'Alright.' he chuckled, digging in to his food. I just ordered a salad. (It was the cheapest thing on the menu and I didn't want to feel like I owed Ethan anything.) If Hunter were here he would have practically forced me to order some 'real food', and would have watched me eat it delightedly. He always knew what I wanted, even when I was too shy to express it. Ethan didn't. Ethan didn't know me. Ethan wasn't my husband.
'I really shouldn't be here.'
'Ruth, we've been through this. Shut up and enjoy it.'
               'What do you want to know?'
'Teach me...' I thought aloud, 'teach me why some people are so miserable. And I'm not talking about depression - I'm talking about people who are miserable on the inside, but on the outside...they're just mean.'
'Are we talking about Katherine, or you?'
'- And they bring people down all the time, and try to ruin their lives. But they act all proud and principled, when really, they're just spreading their misery around. Why are some people like that?'
               Ethan blinked a few times in surprise. I lowered my head embarrassedly. 'Sorry. It's just, it's been on my mind a lot lately. I just want to know why some people love bringing other people down.'
'Are you thinking Hunter's mum's got some kind of psychological excuse for acting the way she does? Well she doesn't. She's simply a bitch. A bully. She wants a life without you in it, Ruth, and has decided that Dubai isn't far enough away. She wants to split up your marriage and your family. There's no excuse for that.'
                '- Superiority complex.' I heard Ethan say. I tried my best to refocus on his voice. 'It means they have a grandiose view of themselves, and an unfairly low opinion of everyone else around them. They might come across as domineering and cold, or over-confident and conceited. But it's important to remember that these so called 'miserable' people act this way as a defence mechanism, which normally branches from a frequent, prolonged feeling of inferiority. It's almost like they elevate themselves above the rest of us because they fear what being at the bottom of the food chain again would do to them. They need to exalt themselves, because the alternative for them is being buried by past experiences, stress and isolation. And nobody likes that.'
'Okay. Okay. Superiority complex.' I nodded and tried the term out on my tongue. 'It sounds similar to narcissism.'
'Yes, the two are very alike.' Ethan said. 'Although from my experiences with narcissists, I've usually found that they don't consciously elevate themselves, but they genuinely believe they deserve special treatment and adoration from others - they genuinely believe they are God's gift to the world. Also they are typically more 'sinister' than people with a superiority complex. They can be manipulative, cruel, and unable to empathise, whereas a superiority complex tends to be a conscious thing - the person with it tends to be somewhat aware that they are not who they are projecting themselves to be. And that means they can be helped. But the two conditions are alike in that they develop due to a sense of insecurity, and low self esteem. Both can be harsh bullies and usurp dominance over their close friends and family. Hard conditions to live with.'
'I'm sure.'
               'Why do you ask about it?' Ethan inquired. I glanced up at him and forced a smile.
'Oh, it's not a big deal. I just think that, I don't know, maybe Hunter's mother has a superiority complex, or narcissism. She has a lot of the characteristics you just mentioned.'
'I see. So you have a nightmare mother-in-law.' Ethan said, making me laugh. He smiled along with me.
'You're right. She is a nightmare.' I admitted. 'I feel bad for her husband - he's become such a shell over the last twenty years. When me and Hunter were kids he was alright: slightly boring, but he would teach us things and tell us about his childhood on this farm out in the middle of nowhere. He used to be happy. But now... I saw him recently and he's just, empty. He doesn't smile, he doesn't get cross or upset, he's just nothing! He couldn't care less about what anyone in the room is saying or what's happening around him. Why do you think that's happened?'
               'Well, without having met this man or his wife I can't diagnose anything. But I have met couples a bit like that before. It sounds like he's been a victim of some form of bullying over a long period of time, quite possibly the victim of a narcissist, and now he's just shutting the world out so he has an easy life. If he's been nagged and criticised and put down for the last twenty years, he might just stop listening to things altogether. He might stop caring, because let's be honest, caring hurts.'
               Ethan sat back and looked at me once he'd finished speaking. I gulped down my forkful and reached out for some water. He held my hand, just like I feared he would.
               'Ethan...' I gently pulled my hand out of his. He sighed. 'I love my husband. You know that.'
'You can't blame a guy for trying.' Ethan said. 'You're a very beautiful woman, Ruth.'
               My breath hitched in my throat when I heard those words. I looked up into his earnest eyes.
'You shouldn't say that.' I said anxiously.
'Why not, if it's true?'
'Because I'm somebody's wife.'
'I wish you weren't.' Ethan shrugged.
'Well I'm glad I am.' I snapped back. 'Ethan, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I came out with you tonight and led you on. I shouldn't even be here -'
'Ruth, please don't go.' Ethan interjected when I picked up my purse. 'Please. I'm not just here because I want to bed you - I like your company. And if all you want it is a friendship, then I can respect that. Just, stay. We've still got some time.'
'Did he say 'I'm not JUST here because I want to bed you'? What a dog!'
               Too distressed to stay there any longer, I shook my head (trying to ignore his pitiful face) and stood up.
'I'm sorry.'
'What? Don't apologise, Ruth! You're a woman - changing your mind is your prerogative.'
'I'll take the bus home.'
'No.' Ethan sighed, making me panic for a second. 'I'll take you home.'
'Is that a good id-'
'Thank you.'