Tried With Fire - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 27

'Oh, chicken.' Susie sighed, when she opened her front door to me. Her welcoming smile had faded upon seeing the suitcase by my side.
'Can I come in?' I rasped. She nodded and quickly ushered me through into her living room. I put one foot in front of the other like a puppet corpse, unable to think or speak again or force a smile.
               Andy was sitting on the sofa, watching telly. He switched it off when he saw me and stood up.
'Woah. You look like crap.' he said. 'What - ah. I see.' His eyes landed on my suitcase. 'Come here.'
               I hugged Andy, then Susie, then we all sat down on their brown leather sofas, tension, curiosity and anxiety thick in the air.
               'I didn't know where else to go.' I managed to croak.
'It's alright, Ruth.' Susie said kindly, rubbing my back up and down. 'You're alright now. I'm going to make you a cup of tea, okay? I'll be right back.'
               Once she had left, Andy took over the back-rubbing role, not really sure how else to comfort me. He may be my older brother but he has never been an expert in dealing with emotions - whether they're his own or someone else's. He was lucky Susie was so much more open and forward than I was. Hunter was my perfect match because he could always pry the truth out of me, or be patient until I was ready to offer it. Andy and Susie were perfect together because she was happy to clap him around the ear if he wasn't giving her enough attention, or simply tell him she was upset if he didn't sense it on his own. I'm sure after eight years together they had grown to understand each other well enough. After all, these last eight years had been the best of Susie's life. She had seldom had a psychotic episode, and her schizophrenia was fading to dormant. Andy may be unsure of how to deal with me, but he had Susie all figured out. I was proud of him for that.
               'How, how was game night last night?' I asked, trying to put Andy at ease. He squeezed my shoulders and smiled reassuringly.
'We cancelled it in the end. Ryan was working late anyway, so it would have just been Emma and me and Susie. And that would've been a bit awkward.'
'I'm sorry.' I said, tensing to avoid letting tears escape my eyes. Andy moved toward me and kissed my forehead.
'Don't be sorry. We'll host it next week.'
'But me and Hunter won't be any better by next week.' I gulped. 'I don't think we can fix it this time.'
               Andy really wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I went into a deep stare until a hot mug was put into my hands. I looked up and saw Susie sending me a mellow smile.
'Ruth, honey,' she said, sitting back down on my other side, 'tell us what happened.'
'You can stay here as long as you want.' Andy added, clearly thinking he ought to say something.
'Thanks.' I murmured back. 'But I, I think I should stay with Mama and Marco. Hunter's there right now picking up Olivia, but when he leaves, I'll go and stay with them.'
'You're welcome to stay here.'
'But Hunter wouldn't like it.'
'Who cares?' Andy shrugged. 'I'm your brother and Susie's your best friend!'
'But you're Hunter's best friend.' I said, squeezing his hand. 'And he needs a friend right now. I don't want to be in the way. It's alright, really. I was, just, wondering if one of you could drive me to go and get my car. It's in the car park by Hunter's office.'
'What?' Susie gasped. 'Ruth, did you walk all the way here from your house?'
'I, it, it's not that far.'
'Yes it is!' she cried. 'And dragging that heavy suitcase around when you're, er, er, you're...fragile. You shouldn't have done that, Ruth! I would have picked you up.'
               Andy looked between me and Susie questioningly. She had basically given me away so I sighed and told him,
'I'm pregnant.'
'What!?'
'I've got my twelve week scan on Friday. I was going to tell everyone then, but, but,' I started to cry again, 'I don't know if I'll feel like seeing people by then.'
'Oh, Ruth.' Susie sighed sadly. Andy was still shocked by my news.
'You're really pregnant!? That's amazing, Ruth! I'm so happy for you.'
               Susie sent Andy a look while I gulped and nodded my head. He went quiet again.
'Thanks, Andy.'
'Now Ruth, tell us what's happened between you and Hunter.' Susie said gently, but firmly. She knew I needed to get it off my chest.
'I-I, it, it's so, it's so bad.' I trembled. 'X, X, X, she, er, she...'
'Drink some tea, Ruth.' Andy said, when he saw me starting to dissociate. As soon as anyone heard the name 'X', they could quickly imagine what had happened. She only really had one aspect to her personality: one hobby.
'X slept with another man.' I blurted out, fearing I would be taken over before I could say it. I looked up to see Andy's eyes widen again, and Susie's look down at her lap. She was like me. She knew it was only a matter of time before people like us screw up, and then it's up to the people we love whether they want to keep us around or not. That's why Cassidy was so unwilling to start a life afresh. She didn't have people to choose to keep her around or even reject her. She had no one. Now I had no one.
               Andy and Susie stayed silent. I continued, 'She was dumb and wrong, but she did it. And it's killed Hunter. We haven't spoken since yesterday afternoon, when it happened. He can't forgive me, and why should he? I screwed up really bad. He, he, he'll never take me back now. My marriage is...over.'
'Oh chicken, come here.' Susie sighed tearfully, pulling me into another hug. 'You poor thing.'
'But that's just it!' I sniffed. 'I don't even remember doing it. I just remember going to the man in the first place. This isn't about me. Hunter's the one who's been hurt by this.'
'He's not the only one!' Andy said. 'You've been hurt too, Ruth, don't deny it. And that's a good thing - it shows you didn't consent to it. You have to remember that you are not in control of X. We all know that - Hunter knows that too. He'll come around.'
'I can't ask him to.' I said. 'Not after this. I've put him through enough over the years. He won't get past this.'
'Maybe I will have to have a word with him about it then.'
'No, Andy!' I cried. 'You can't tell him I told you about this - he'd be so ashamed.'
'We understand, chicken.' Susie said sadly, sighing again.
               She sent me a look that said 'this sucks. Like, seriously sucks. Good thing you're strong and stubborn, hey?' but aloud, she said, 'We won't tell anyone. This is between you and Hunter.'
'No.' Andy asserted. 'This is between X and Hunter. Ruth, this is not your problem.'
'Yes it is! She used my body -'
'No,' Andy disagreed again, 'she used her own body. You had dissociated, Ruth. You know what that means! You have to remove yourself from this whole equation.'
'After all, you can't expect Hunter to forgive you if you don't forgive yourself.' Susie added. I looked down at my empty mug.
'I will never forgive myself.' I muttered quietly. Andy replied,
'You will.'
'How do you know?'
'Because you have to, for Olivia's sake. She needs two parents, Ruth. Don't let her grow up like you did, seeing her mama all depressed and isolated because of someone else's mistake.'
               'Andy's right.' Susie said after we thought on his words. 'You and Hunter are going through something awful right now - well, lots of awful things. Think about everything that's happened over the last month or two: your sleepless nights, Grandma's death, Katherine and Phil showing up, Vanessa, Ethan, and whoever X slept with. You and Hunter have had nonstop trials, Ruth! Everyone knows that. But do you know who the only person that hasn't been exposed to all this crap is?'
'Olivia.' I rasped. Susie and Andy nodded.
'Exactly. Olivia, because you and Hunter are so good at showing her that trials don't matter! You haven't let them consume you. You've still been a great mum, Ruth, and Hunter's been a great dad. Olivia has never had a reason to feel even mildly anxious; you need to keep that going, for her sake if not for your own. You need to show her that Brookeses do not get defeated!' Susie sent me a reassuring smile.
               'I...I can't. I can't put a brave face on this one, Susie.' I said, shaking my chaotic head. 'You didn't see Hunter this morning. He couldn't even look at me. I've broken his heart.'
'So put it back together.' Andy shrugged casually. 'Ruth, if you two could make it through you stabbing glass into your leg six months into your relationship, you can make it through this.'
'It's not that simple.' I dried my eyes on my sleeve.
'It's always simple.' Susie said, squeezing my shoulders. 'You love Hunter, and you love Olivia. You've been backed into a corner, so fight for them!'
               'We're just two people who love each other. Nothing else matters.' Hunter and I had told each other once. I wondered if he still believed it, because I sure didn't.
'We fight best when we're backed into a corner, Ruth. All of us do.' Julie said.
'Who can I batter?' Hailey asked. It nearly made me smile.
'X could do with a clap round the ear, if anyone knows where to find her. Otherwise, I'm done using my fists.'
'As Salieri would say, if she was still alive, 'Try fighting with your head for a change' - To Kill a Mockingbird.'
'Or, as the Good Lord said, 'Wisdom is better than weapons of war: but one sinner destroyeth much good.' X destroyed much good, but you can fix it with wisdom, Ruth.'
'Thanks, guys.'
'We're right behind you, Ruth.'
'And that is what I call a force not be reckoned with!'
               These were the thoughts I had while Andy drove me to Hunter's office to get my car.