Tried With Fire - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 23

Life took a turn for the worse after that night - again. But this downward turn took a lot more than a few heart-to-hearts to fix, and it lasted much longer. Much, much longer.

Here's how it started:

It was Thursday the 11th of March. Hunter's and my second court hearing was approaching on the 13th (we hadn't been able to settle with his parents before then), and I would have my 12 week pregnancy scan on the 19th, a Friday. I just wanted to wish the time away until then, when I would see the baby living in my womb again. My first ultrasound was a blur in two ways: firstly because the image of baby was an unclear splodge, and secondly because I was close to dissociation the whole time. So, I wanted to make up for it with this next one. I wanted to see my baby properly: formed and shapely and beautiful.
               Hunter was excited with me. Mostly because we agreed that once we had the picture of the baby, we would announce the news to everyone at game night the following day. Of course Mama and Susie already knew, but nobody else did. I could imagine their faces reacting: Andy and Marco would whoop and bundle on top of Hunter like they'd won a football match, Emma would throw her arms around me and Ryan would try to stay composed, simply nodding his head and smiling to let me know he was pleased. Olivia, on the other hand...I had very little idea of what to expect with her.

But the warm, giddy excitement Hunter and I felt didn't last long. I never did get a picture of the baby that Friday. We never did announce the news that Saturday night. I never did get to see how everyone would have reacted. Olivia never got to become an older sister.

But anyway, back to the 11th of March, for now. Back to last Thursday. 

Olivia had woken me and Hunter up early in the morning, more carefully now than she used to.
               'Good morning, bambina.' I said tiredly. Hunter was yawning.
'Morning!' she bellowed. 'Are you going to work today Mummy and Daddy?'
'Yep.' Hunter exhaled. 'Are you going to work, Olivia?'
'No, Daddy! Gross.' Olivia said, making us both laugh. 'I'm going to school to see Andrea and Tilly and Nathaniel and Gemma -'
'Nathaniel?' Hunter asked. 'Would that be a boy's name, by any chance?'
'Yes, he's a boy, Daddy.' Olivia said simply. She didn't think anything else of it. I ruffled up Hunter's hair and laughed.
'Daddy's being silly, Olivia. Ignore him.'
'I am never silly. Never.' Hunter said theatrically. 'How rude, Mummy.'
'Yes Mummy, how rude!' Olivia joined in.
'Alright alright, I'm sorry.' I chuckled.
               Hunter smiled over at me. Then he rolled back onto his chest and groaned loudly.
'I'm still tired, Olivia. Go and make me some coffee, will you?'
'I can't do that! I might burn myself, Mummy said.'
'Nah, you'll be fine. And make Mummy a cup of tea while you're at it.'
'But I don't know how!' Olivia whined.
'He's joking, Olivia. It's an adult job.' I said. Hunter snorted into his pillow.
'Daddy! Stop trying to get me in trouble!' Olivia cried, smacking his back. Hunter grabbed her wrist and suddenly the pair of them were giggling and grunting, lost in a 6am scrap. I laughed my way out of the danger zone and went downstairs to make the morning drinks.

Alone in the kitchen, I looked around me and realised just how much time I spent in that room. It seemed as though I spent half of my life in there, cleaning and cooking and clearing up afterwards. I don't mind it: I like to host. It just surprised me to realise that I spend most of my time in the room where we kept the knives, scissors, a gas oven, glass easily shattered and hot water easily spilt. It surprised me that I was so comfortable there, surrounded by potential hazards and yet, I had never considered using any of them to harm myself. As a teenager, I looked at the kitchen like it was a candy store, or a men's locker room. There was so much opportunity for emotional release! But now, at 32 years old, I can finally stand in my kitchen alone and feel safe.
               'Don't let me make you jump.' Hunter said when he pattered into the kitchen behind me. I looked back and smiled up at him.
'Your coffee's nearly ready.'
'Thanks.'
'Where's Liv?'
'She's just coming. She said she has a doll to show me.'
'I know the one she means.' I smiled. 'Mama made her Barbie a dress, like the one I wore when we had our date night a while ago.'
'Your blue dress? The one that shows off all your curves and skin and makes you look delicious?' Hunter asked. He pecked me on the ear and moved his arms around me to finish pouring out his coffee. I leaned back against him.
'Yeah, that one. Olivia asked me to try it on for her last week, when she saw it in my wardrobe.'
'Did you?' Hunter asked, slightly surprised.
'Of course not. She would have seen all my scars in a second. I let her try it on instead.'
               As I spoke, I tugged my pyjama sleeve down around my left wrist, and stroked over the scar on my hand. Sometimes when it's cold that scar still stings. However, it does take the attention away from the less prominent scars along both sides of my forearm slightly, and for that I almost love it. Obviously I couldn't hide my palm from my five year old daughter, but so far she had never so much as suspected that I had anything to hide further up my arm. I'd made sure of it; no child should have to learn something as disturbing as 'Your mother has tried to kill herself many times, and used to cut deep into her own flesh because that was less painful than being regularly raped by her step father.' A scar on the hand is much easier to explain away: I simply told her I had been clumsy cooking dinner once. It was a lie, and it pained me to tell it, but 'my abusive ex stabbed me' is another one of those disturbing truths a child should not hear. Since becoming a mother I've learnt that there are quite a few.
               'That's nice of you. I bet she loved getting to wear it.' Hunter said, bringing me back to our kitchen, where my husband was standing behind me with his arms around my shoulders. I shuddered against them.
'Oh, er, yeah. She said she felt like a princess.' I said. 'I did her hair and even let her wear a bit of lipstick. I'll show you a picture when we go back upstairs. But, anyway, Olivia told Mama about my dress on the phone, so when we saw her yesterday, she'd made a doll sized version of it for her. Olivia was so, so happy. You should've seen her!'
'I wish I had.' Hunter sighed. 'You know what, amore mio? If Ryan asks me to take a client out tonight, I'll say no for once. I'm sick of working late all the time and missing out on these memories with Olivia. It's above my pay grade.'
'Really? So you'll come home early?' I asked excitedly. Hunter nodded. 'Great! I'll make something nice for dinner.'
'You always do.' he said. Then he patted my bottom and moved away so I had enough arm room to make tea.
               'So what are you going to -'
'Daddy! Come back!' Olivia interrupted him from the top of the stairs.
'One minute!' Hunter called back. We heard her groan and go to wait in our bedroom.
'Poor girl.' I said. 'Sometimes I think we don't spend enough time with her.'
'I know I don't, Ruth, and I'm going to change that - but you definitely do! You're always with her! You dress her up and play dolls with her and teach her Italian and how to cook. Don't forget all the nice things Mrs Tapping had to say about her at parents' evening.'
'I know, I know. But none of that helps us, does it? The judge still ordered a second hearing - he should have thrown the case out the last time we were there.' I sighed.
               Hunter seemed unsure what to reply so I then changed the subject: 'What were you going to ask me before?'
'Oh, um... What are you going to do today, after your convalescent visits?'
'Er, I have an appointment with Cassidy at two.'
'Cassidy?' Hunter asked. I looked up from my mug.
'Hunter...'
'Hey, as long as Ethan doesn't bother you, I have no qualms against it.' He shrugged, but I could tell he wasn't happy.
'I've been rejecting him for the last month and a half, amore mio. He'll give up on me soon. You don't have to worry.'
'If I was in his shoes, I wouldn't give up.' Hunter said. I smiled a little.
'Well he's not in love with me like you are, he's just a flirt. If he wanted to settle down with a nice lady he'd pick one that isn't married. And he'd have picked someone by now.'
'How old is he?'
'Almost forty, I think.' I said, casting my mind back. Hunter laughed meanly. 'Hey, forty isn't old, Hunter. You and I will be forty before we know it.'
'Don't say that!' Hunter shrieked. 'I'm only thirty four! I've got years of youth left.'
'I feel old sometimes - too old to be having another baby.' I exhaled, looking down at my tummy. Hunter lifted my chin again.
'You still look as young and beautiful as you were the day I fell in love with you.'
'And how old was I then?'
'...About fifteen.' Hunter confessed, making me giggle.
               Suddenly Cassidy re-entered my mind and my smile faded. 'What's wrong?' Hunter asked.
'Oh, just, Cassidy. She so badly wants a Hunter of her own.'
'What do you mean?'
'She's depressed! She's got DID, she's only about my age, but she's not motivated by anything. She's got no reason to get better - nothing to look forward to.'
'Surely her freedom is worth -'
'Freedom isn't an option for her.' I said sombrely. 'One of her alters killed a man. It wasn't her fault or her choice, but now everyone in her head has been locked up in the psychiatric hospital until she's old and grey. At least twenty years.'
               'Wow.' Hunter sighed after a long pause.
'And even if she did have her freedom to work towards, there's nothing out here for her. She'd end up like Kevin - she'd work hard to get out, realise no one's waiting for her, a-and she'd kill herself. I know I tried it the first time I got out. It's almost better that she stays in the hospital, where she's safe. Right now she misses a life she doesn't know is lost to her - it would be cruel to expose her to the truth.'
'Daddy!'
'I'm coming, Olivia!' Hunter bellowed to the ceiling. Then he turned back to me and reached out for my hand. 'Ruth, you have the hardest job in the world, and you do it so well. I really respect you for that. These people you support...they're so, lost. I can't imagine trying to be the one to lead them. I can't even imagine the pain you and these people have. I sure couldn't cope with it. And I know you've done all the training and you've got the most experience one human can have on this type of thing, but, can I give you some advice?'
               I looked up at Hunter, surprised.
'Of course!'
'Well...are you being personal enough with Cassidy?'
'What do you mean?' I asked gently, stroking his hands with my thumbs.
'Well, Cassidy knew you when you guys were a lot younger. Maybe, I don't know, maybe she feels like she knows you. In her eyes, you're not a famous author or mental health sponsor or columnist. You're a friend. She knew you when you were in the same bad place as her, and she's watched you get healthy - hell, she's followed your career closer than I have! And I think that's because she looks up to you. She knows who you were and who you are now, and she wants that for herself. She may want a man of her own too, but I don't think she'd be so desperate if she had a friend.'
'But what if that's not enough?' I asked Hunter worriedly. 'Me and Salieri were friends, but that didn't stop her from killing herself. I couldn't stop her. I, I don't want that to happen again with Cassidy. She means too much to me.'
'Ruth,' Hunter murmured, setting down our mugs to hold me close, 'tell her that. Tell her how much she means to you! I doubt anyone has told her that for a really, really long time. You don't always need to be this professional, put-together role model. You can tell Cassidy that you care about her and you're scared she'll end up like Salieri, and maybe then she'll work harder. You can talk to her in ways that even the great Dr Westone couldn't - because you've been there.'
               I thought about that for a long time, frustratingly aware that Olivia was waiting upstairs and probably rifling through my wardrobe.
               'You're right.' I eventually said, looking up into Hunter's eyes. We smiled. 'You know, I spend so much time trying to be professional, trying to show that I'm emotionally stable now, but that's not what my convalescents need. It's not what Cassidy needs. It's unrealistic! They need to see that I care enough to get a bit emotional, and that we have a mutual trust, where I open up to them and they can open up to me too. That's how I know you care about me, Hunter. I know you love me because you show it. You cry with me when I cry, and laugh with me when I laugh, and hold me up when I feel unstable. I am going to do the same for Cassidy, today.'
'Good. Good!' Hunter said heartily. I grabbed his face and kissed it.
'You're a genius, Hunter!' I beamed. 'Thank you.'
'Hey hey hey, you are the genius, amore mio.' he replied, leaning in for another kiss. 'You're the one who's figured out how to live with a rare, challenging condition, and excel at whatever you do despite having eleven minds about everything. I love you, Ruth.'
'I love you too.' I said, sliding my hands around the neck of his t-shirt and pulling him closer.