Tried With Fire - (Ruth Harris Series)

Chapter 28

'Ruth?'
               I smiled. It may have been 3am, and I may have been the last person in the world Hunter wanted to speak to, but he had answered his phone anyway and for the first time in four days, I could hear his voice.
               'It's three o'clock in the morning, Ruth. What do you want?'
'I, I...'
'I should really have planned what I was going to say before I called him.'
'I just, Susie said - when, when Jim came out and I was alone so I called her, but, but really I wanted to call you -'
'What are you talking about?' Hunter asked groggily.
'I don't know.' I admitted. 'I don't know what to say.'
               There was a pause.
               'I miss you.' I eventually confessed, but the words were so silent and hoarse that Hunter had to ask me to repeat it. I couldn't. There was another pause.
               'How have you been, Ruth?'
'I, I think, - I've - I don't, I don't want to be here. Away. From you. And Olivia.' I stammered.
'You're talking like I kicked you out.' Hunter said. He always did get grumpy when his sleep was interrupted. 'I never said you had to leave.'
'But you didn't stop me.'
'Because -' Hunter cut himself off, then sighed. 'Because I was angry, Ruth.'
               'I didn't want to do it.' I whispered into the phone after a while. My voice was shaking and my eyes refused to open. 'It was X. I-I couldn't stop her. I tried to Hunter, I swear I did, b-but, but, you just don't know what it was like for me to go through that. You don't know how scared and frustrated and helpless and terrified I was, Hunter.'
'...I know.' my husband said gently. 'I know. I wasn't angry with you. I was just angry at...at the world, I guess. At him.'
'Really? He doesn't hate me?'
'Do you think we can go home now then? I miss our bed, and our deodorant and our washing powder and our teabags.'
'I think not, Charity, sorry. Ruth and Hunter would just go back to acting in front of Olivia again. Couples never bounce back from crap like this.'
               'Ruth,' Hunter murmured, entirely contrary to my thoughts, 'come back.'

I had been waiting four days to hear those words from my husband's mouth, and yet, as soon as I heard them I felt sick. 'Come back'? 'Come back'!? I could never go back! Not after I'd violated my body so bestially without so much as a thought toward my loving, loyal husband!
               So, suddenly panicked, I replied,
'Hunter, I-I messed up. You can hate me for it - God knows I do. I can't move back in and expect you to act normal around me. Things have changed now. We,' my voice grew hoarse again, 'we can't go back to the way we were. Goodnight.'
               I hung up.

For the rest of the small hours my hopes of sleeping were shattered by dozens of voices: the voices of people who cared about me, and disagreed with what I was doing.
               'Ruth had no part in what transpired today and thus we cannot blame her.'
'Yeah! You had dissociated, Ruth. You have to remove yourself from this whole equation.'
'After all, you can't expect Hunter to forgive you if you don't forgive yourself.'
'Olivia needs two parents, Ruth. Don't let her grow up like you did, seeing her mama all depressed and isolated because of someone else's mistake.'
'We're just two people who love each other. Nothing else matters.'
'What was the point in me saving you on that bridge if you're only going to abandon Olivia anyway?'
'You think you're helping Hunter by leaving him - but here's the thing: it's not helping.'
'Your family needs you back.'
'I wasn't angry with you. I was just angry at...at the world, I guess.'
'Ruth, come back.'
               And by the time morning rolled around, I found myself standing outside Hunter's front door.

I had keys in my hand: keys that fit in the lock. The door opened. I stepped inside. It was hard to believe I was truly in control of myself that morning; every part of me felt weak and ghostly and seemed to act of its own accord, and yet, I was still Ruth Brookes. I could tell by the crippling lack of self esteem and sleep I felt as I crept into the familiar living room.
               I stood in the middle of a silent room for a minute or two, the shadow of a smile on my face while I scanned over the sofa, the tv, the photos, the carpet, as well as the marks and stains dotted around which made the house ours. But just as I began to relax, a step creaked and suddenly there was a tall, sandy-haired man trotting down the stairs, calling over his shoulder,
'Olivia! Come on it's time to -' and my heart stopped in time with his sentence.
               'Hi.' I said, breaking the silence. Hunter slowly descended the last two steps, his shimmering eyes fixed on me.
'Hi. ...Er, are you, did y- what - but last night, you, you - what made you come back?' Hunter stammered after another minute. 'You said you couldn't, but, here you are.'
'I'm sorry.' I said quickly. 'I shouldn't have -'
'Don't apologise.'
               I looked up at Hunter and gulped. He was beautiful, with his messy morning hair and deep voice and vibrant eyes and muscular body, but the thing that made him most attractive to me right then was his unwavering care.
               'Will you stay?' Hunter asked me. I hesitated.
'I don't know.'
'I want you to stay, Ruth. Please.'
               I slowly, resignedly closed my eyes.
'I don't know if I can, Hunter. I, I, I just don't know right now.'
'Well I know I want you to stay.' he said assuredly. I took another deep breath.
'I want to stay too, of course I do, but, but I don't know if it's a good idea. Please, Hunter, don't pressure me.'
'...Okay. Okay, I won't.'
               There was so much more we needed to say to each other, but before either of us could find the words, Olivia came racing down the stairs and bowled straight into the pair of us.
'Mummy!' she squealed. 'You're back!'