'Everyone has long since fallen asleep, but for some reason sleep continues to elude you. Thoughts of Kiyoko's budding possible relationship, Tsukki asking for your number, his never ending teasing, your various encounters with him outside of the se...
"Are you sure you're okay y/n?" Hitoka asks after rescuing you from Tsukki's interrogation.
You look at her concerned face not wanting to worry her you tried to give her a small smile and reassure her but ultimately failed. "Honestly I don't know anymore. I'm so tired... physically and emotionally. I knew pushing him away was going to be hard but..."
Hitoka could see you struggling with your tears and pulls you off to the side, giving you privacy from peering eyes, in case the fragile wall holding you together broke. She hugged you tight. "Maybe it's a good thing though. Maybe that means you're friend, Merisa, was right and he just needed to see what missing you was going to feel like."
"I know that's what the hope is but I don't think I can let myself hope like that. I want to, believe me, but what if you guys are all wrong and I let myself hope only to get crushed once again. Like the saying, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. I'm trying to prepare myself for the worst." You choke back your emotions once again mentally trying to repair the frigid walls around your heart.
Hitoka gives you another big hug and walks with you to your next class. You mindlessly take notes, only half paying attention. Your mind is elsewhere the rest of the day continuing on much the same.
***
It was getting harder and harder to keep up appearances and act like nothing was wrong. It felt like a no win situation, you could see what Merisa was saying about the relationship between you and Tsukki. The odd thing between you two was almost like a why try to fix something that wasn't broken situation but if you looked closely at the seams it was held together by duct tape. Sure it wasn't broken but there definitely was no solid foundation, one false move and it's falling apart beneath you.
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Why would Tsukki want to label things as a relationship, if he was content with what he had going on. He said he didn't do relationships but you were essentially giving him what a relationship would be. If there was any chance at getting to the bottom of things, this was your best bet. If he did have feelings for you then he will be forced to see what it's like for you not to be around filling that roll anymore and if he didn't... well then it's for the best that you put an end to the physical relationship with him. If you didn't then your feelings would only continue to grow and when he decided he was done with you, it would inevitably lead to you feeling used and discarded.
You don't hate him for his feelings in regards to relationships. It's not like he didn't communicate that to you in the beginning. Truthfully, you're feeling confused and maybe a little upset with yourself. You find yourself wondering if he behaves the same with other girls he has flings with. From what Kiyoko and Hitoka have told you, it would lead you to believe that you're different from them. Which then leads to thoughts of, what makes you different if he doesn't want a relationship with you, are you just a prolonged fuck? A toy for him to have fun with until it's lived out it's use then thrown away. The idea puts a sour taste in your mouth.
