AJR-Panic Attacks

Winter- 9 ("Grand"parents)

WINTERS POV

I listen at my door and hear mommy's parents walking in.

No no no no noooo!!!!! I can't take it. They can't be here! They scare the actual heck out of me. Something happened with them a few years ago, and it made me terrified of them.

I make sure my door is closed, and run to my bed. It's my only safe spot, and I curl up in the blankets. My heart starts racing like usual, and my breathing starts accelerating. I absolutely hate this. I grab my baby blankie that I still love and use as my security item. It's the only thing that keeps me grounded when this happens. Only that and the weighted blanket mommy and daddy got me for my birthday to help me sleep. I had terrible nightmares about this 'event', that I was worried to fall asleep. When I finally did fall asleep, I would have terrible nightmares, just replaying the entire thing in my head, and then I would wake up in tears. Mommy and Daddy don't know about that. I've just said that I have trouble sleeping when they asked why I was so tired the next day. I heard them out in the entry way and I hated it so much. It's mommy's parents, and whenever they come over I have to pretend that I don't remember what happened and that I'm not having an active anxiety attack the whole time they're over. I hide under my blankets in an attempt to hide from the massive trigger that's invading my safe space. I hear a knock at the door, and I sit up to pretend that I'm not having a massive anxiety attack. I still can't breathe, but I wipe the tears off my face and mumble,

"Yep..."

"Hey Winter, gran-" It's Dad. He opens the door and freezes. "What's wrong??" He asks me with such concern in his voice.

"Nothing. I'm fine." I sniff, trying to control my breathing just enough to pretend that I am ok.

"Winter..." Dad's voice breaks. He closes the door and walks over to my bed. He sits a little ways away from me as to not startle me. He keeps one foot on the ground while sitting on his other foot. He reaches his left hand out but I retract away from him.

"What's wrong??" Dad asks again, staring right in my eyes. I debated for a minute even telling him what's up.

"I-I'm scared!!" I burst out crying, launching into Daddy's arms. Daddy hugs me tightly in his arms as I finally let my emotions go. I sobbed into his shirt as he tried to calm me down. It wasn't working though. I was already having an anxiety attack, and the fact that daddy found me probably made it worse. I could feel him rumbling through my chest, trying to talk me down from how high my anxiety is, but I couldn't hear him. My ears were ringing and I couldn't focus at all. He tries to pull me away from him but I clung on. Now that he was here, I wasn't going to leave my newfound safety. As he realized I was clinging onto him, he changed tactics. He grabbed my weighted blanket and wrapped it around my back. He also grabbed my blankie that I let go of when he came in, and offered it back to me, which I gladly accepted. I couldn't get my breathing under control. Every time I thought I could breathe I would start hyperventilating again. With the weighted blanket on my back, and Dad rubbing up and down my spine, I finally focused on the feelings of weight surrounding me and focus on Dad. When I finally focused, I could feel Daddy's chest rumbling with my song. I usually listen to it on my iPad when they come over, just to attempt to calm me down before I have to face them. Once he finished my song, I was still shaking and super tense, that I still couldn't calm down.

"Winter, focus on me, ok? I'm gonna take some nice deep breaths, and I want you to try to follow me, ok?"
He took quite a few deep breaths and eventually I felt safe enough to follow him. It took me a while but I finally managed to calm down. I'm always jittery for a while, even after I calm down. The way I was sitting, I was mostly sideways against Daddy, so I rocked back and forth in fear. I hated that I was reacting like this, but after two years of hiding it, I'm almost happy that I'm finally getting someone to help me.