Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

6

I stand across the building that Chan and his band mates live in. I stare at the glass and the rotating doors across the streets. The sky is dark, though the streetlights are lit and bright. 
In my head, I go over the text Chan send me just a few hours ago.

Enter the lobby. I will be waiting there for you.

When I agreed to have a movie night with Stray Kids, I did not know what I would be getting myself into.
Of course I spent the last several days looking up their social media. I watched almost all of their music videos, a bunch of interviews, some of their vlogs and diaries. I followed a bunch of fan twitter sites and read every important article about them online.

There is a lot you can find out if you're dedicated enough. By now, I feel as informed and educated about Stray Kids as one of their fans, that they lovingly call Stay.
I did not anticipate their huge following when I agreed to meet with them. Their immense fan base, the connections, the surveillance they are under, the pressure.
It's a lot. All of it.

I take a deep breath, pull the hood of my sweater over my hair, and finally walk across the street. I enter the building. Bright lights blind me for a moment when I pass a security guard in dark clothing.
"There you are," Chan says from beside me. I turn to face him. He's wearing a dark blue t-shirt and a grey pair of sweatpants. I sigh in relief.
I'm wearing a pair of black leggings and a grey hoodie under my jacket. A backpack hangs from my shoulders. I was worried I might be underdressed, but we're watching movies. I didn't see the use of uncomfortable pants on movie night.

"Hey," I say and breathe in the scent of him when he wraps his arms around my shoulders, "I am sorry for being a bit late, I took the subway. I wasn't sure I could park here."
It's true, but I won't tell him that I spent fifteen minutes standing outside, watching the movements of this building.
"Don't worry," he smiles at me and leads me to elevator. We enter and he presses the button for level 8.

I don't really know how to start this conversation, so I just blurt it out.
"So I looked you up," I say, "Turns out you guys make really good music. You gained one more follower yesterday."
I glance at him and bite my lip.
He puts his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants and pulls up his shoulders, as he glances back at me.
"Just a follower?" He says and grins, exposing his dimples.

I roll my eyes, a slight laugh slipping from my lips. I answer, "Well, maybe even a fan."
He chuckles and the door opens. We step out into a long hallway.
When we arrive in front of a simple grey door, he says, "I was thinking, maybe a friend."
Before I can answer, he unlocks the door and a smell of freshly popped, heavily buttered popcorn waves towards us. 

"She's here!"
I almost get run over by Felix, who all but jumps into my arms. He giggles like a child on a candy rush and pulls me into the dorm.
Jisung approaches me, hugs me as a greeting, and says, "Here, let me take your jacket from you."
He hangs up my jacket, while Felix takes my backpack.
"Oh, I brought you guys some candy," I say and watch Felix open the backpack with a big grin on his face.

I add, "I didn't know what you guys liked so I kind of just got... well, everything."
Changbin and Hyunjin come rushing out of a room, spotting Felix with the candy immediately.
"Woah, is all that for us?" Changbin wraps one of his arms around my middle. He's just one inch taller than I am, so hugging him feels like cuddling a life-sized teddy bear.
Hyunjin has already opened one of the gummy bear bags, when Minho emerges from the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn.

"What are you doing?" He scolds Hyunjin. "Go get a bowl for that! And leave some for the rest of us, do you hear me?"
I watch them silently, standing between Felix and Chan. Their dorm is surprisingly clean. I had expected the dorm to be a bit messy, since their fans were constantly making fun of them for it. But it smelled nice. It looked like somebody had dusted.
No clothes in piles, no piles of cups and dishes standing around.

The living room is an open space, friendly and comfortable. When I get closer to the couch, I can see Jeongin lay flat on his back, his eyes closed. A little candle is lit on the couch table.
"I like your dorm," I say, "It's really nice here. Clean and comfy. It's so spacious, too."
"It usually doesn't look like this," Felix says to my right, "But Channie made us all clean today."
"Will you shut up?" Chan slaps his shoulders, but I can't help but find it adorable. The boys settle on the couch, pulling me into their middle. For a moment, they collect candy bowls, pillows, and blankets.

"Are you okay?" Chan asks to my right. We're sitting presses against each other, I pull my legs to my chest. I'm warm, the couch is incredibly comfy. Minho, Jisung, and Jeongin take places on the floor before the couch on top of blankets and pillows from their beds, when Seungmin enters the living room, his hair wet. He takes a place on the floor beside Jeongin when Hyunjin grabs for the remote.

As the first movie starts, a comedy with Ryan Reynolds, I can feel myself sink deeper into this position in their group. It's like I can look at myself from outside of my body. I see myself relaxing, Felix leaning into my side, gingerly fishing for candy from the bowl in my lap.
I can feel Chan on my other side, chuckling, laughing. His warm body heats my own in a way I haven't felt in forever. When he offers me marshmallows from the bowl he took from Seungmin, I lean deeper into his side. He pulls a blanket over both our bodies, covering our legs.
In the heat of the moment, I angle my right leg until it lays gently over Chan's left thigh, just a little. An offering. A test.

A test he passes.
Chan slips his hand onto my thigh just above my knee. It could be nothing. A coincidence. It could be a platonic gesture.
But I know it isn't, because his fingers draw small circles onto my thigh beneath the blanket.
I glance at him out of the corner of my eye. My heart is beating out of my chest. A small smile tugs at the corner of my lips when I see him blush.

The movie goes on.
I share a bowl of ice cream with Felix. I feel safe here. I hear Changbin bickering with Hyunjin. I can see Jisung cuddle into Minho.
Everything is so peaceful. Everything feels like home. So full of life. These guys are a family and everything they do mirrors that. Chan pulls up the hood of my sweatshirt over my head and plays absentmindedly with the strings hanging from the front.

I scooched so far down on the sofa, the blanket is covering me all the way up to my nose. I am entangled into Felix and Chan, emerged into their bodies.
I could see myself falling asleep here.
Before I know it, I am.