Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

37

After practice, where we went over every detail of the showcase on Saturday, I receive a text from Chan, asking me to come up to his studio.
When I get to his door, I knock.
I've only been in the studio a few times and I get nervous every time. Chan's studio is like his second home. He spends every free minute here. It's like stepping into a wizard's secret lab.
From inside the room, I can hear Chan's voice.
"Come in," he calls, so I open the door and step in. Immediately, I am glad I took a shower in the training room's changing room. Chan sits in his chair with his back towards me. He's wearing a cap that sits on his head backwards, and a black tank top that exposes his strong arms. Over his hat, he's wearing a big pair of headphones, but it's only covering one ear.
Chan is not paying attention to me as I walk into the room and drop my bag onto the sofa behind him.
I walk up behind him and put my hands on his shoulders.
Chan's head falls back against my chest and he looks up, trying to meet my eyes.
"Hey you," I say, "Hard at work, I see. Do you ever take a break?"
Chan chuckles and smacks his lips.
"Not if I can help it," he says then and rolls his shoulders. I lean over his shoulder and gently massage him. Chan sighs, a small groan slipping from his lips as he closes his eyes and leans his head back.
Spontaneously, I place a small kiss on his cheek before I let go of him and turn away to pull in another chair for me.

Before I can, Chan takes hold of my hips and pulls me onto his lap, gently wrapping one of his arms around my waist to hold me in place.
For a second, I don't dare to move. His strong thighs beneath me, his warm chest pressed into my back. But then I feel his heartbeat and I loosen, almost merging into his body.
He looks over my shoulder as he plays around on his laptop, avoiding to look at me directly.
He says lowly, "This is going to sound really lame, but I don't really have a reason for you to be here other than that I just really wanted to see you."
I turn a little, surprised by his honesty, but he continues, "So I would totally understand if you'd want to leave to go do your thing. But if you'd want to stay a little, I'd really like that."
He finally turns his eyes towards me and smiles, his cheeks turning pink.
Our faces are close enough for me to lean in and kiss him. My eyes dip down to his lips.
His words echoing in my ear, I lean in, willing our lips closer until I can feel his breath on my skin.
But just when our lips are close enough to touch, Chan turns away from me.
He clears his throat and my cheeks heat, I look away.
Oh god.
This was a mistake.

I take a deep breath. Everything is too tight suddenly. I can't breathe. I want to leave.
So I quickly get off Chan's lap and grab after my stuff. I can't look at Chan. I don't want to see him wishing I'd never done that. I don't want to see him be uncomfortable because of me.
"Stop," Chan says and turns in his chair. "Wait, please. Let me explain-..."
He gets up and I close my eyes and sigh. Chan takes my bag out of my hand and places it back onto the couch, before interlacing his fingers with mine.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, "I shouldn't have done that. I-..."
Chan turns me by my hand until we stand across from each other and takes my other hand also.
As I still have my eyes closed, I can't see him, but I can feel him pull me closer and closer until he gently leans his forehead against mine.
"Please keep your eyes closed," he whispers, "Because I don't think I'm brave enough to say this while you're looking at me."
He takes a deep breath, his thumbs drawing circles onto my hand. I stay quiet.
He continues, "I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you so fucking bad, you have no idea. I have been wanting to kiss you for weeks now, and with every single day that feeling in me grows stronger and stronger. I swear to God, Ollie, I never wanted anyone as much as I want you right now."
I stopped breathing.
Chan pauses. I slowly open my eyes. My lashes brush against his cheeks as I look up to see he has his own eyes closed. He wets his lips and I can see he is grasping for words, trying to find the right ones. I take my right hand out of his fingers and raise it to his bare shoulder.
My fingers trace letters on his skin.

TAKE YOUR TIME
I WONT LEAVE YOU

Then I place my open hand onto his chest right above his heart. His breathing slows but his heartbeat is rapid and quick. He is nervous and trying to calm himself. The realization of it hits me like a train.
"I want to kiss you," he repeats, "but we can't do it. Not here, where someone could come in at any moment. Being like this, right now, is already a pretty big risk. For you and for me. I want to protect you from what it means to be with someone like me."
I know what he means.
He means the act of being with an idol, and part of me understands it. But when I glance at his lips and the curve of his jaw, disappointment grows inside me.
I swallow and wet my lips.
"I like you, Chan. A lot. I am not afraid of what being close to you means for me. You don't need to protect me," I say, "But I respect and understand you. You have a responsibility to uphold. I understand that."
Chan's eyes are still closed when I gently place my lips onto his cheek, cupping his jaw with my hand. He furrows his brows, but his cheeks turn pink.
I whisper, "I'm going to respect your decision, whatever it may be."

I grab my things and leave the room. When I pull the door to his studio shut behind me, I can feel his eyes following me. I don't turn around.