Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

32

Lights. Cameras.
Audience.
The annual anniversary showcase is broadcasted on national TV, which means the whole country will watch us dance in just a few minutes. Apart from the people watching at home, about five thousand people are invited to watch the showcase live.
About ten percent of those people are brand ambassadors and marketing personnel in search for their next big collaboration. The event is perfect for JYP Entertainment to score even more partnerships and collaborations, because it perfectly shows everything JYP Entertainment has to offer.

The show is about to start.
I am waiting on my entrance position with forty other people, amongst them Tao, Felix, Minho, Jeongin, Ryujin, and Yeji.
Across the stage, Hana is waiting behind the curtains. Chan is in her group.
I push those thoughts away. I can't concentrate on that right now.
I have a job to do. People depend on me to fulfill my role.
Someone hands me a tiny mirror and I check my make up once again. It's flawless and thick. I almost don't recognize my own face, but when I smile, the fine lines around my eyes appear and I can finally see myself again.
"You didn't talk to Chan," Felix says behind me. I didn't hear him coming closer, but I'm not surprised.
All day, we prepared for the showcase. Neither of us had any time to talk much, so it makes sense for Felix to search me out now.
Not the best possible time, but it's all we have.

"No," I say, "He was busy."
"With what?" Felix takes me by my shoulders and turns me around so he can look at me. "Why didn't you talk to him?"
"Why didn't he try to talk to me?" I answer and pull on my gloves until they sit tighter on my fingers. "Why should I be the only one having to apologize? He called me a child. He yelled at me, too."
Felix groans. "And he might have been right with the way you behave right now. Listen, I haven't eaten since last night. I'm hungry, I'm tired, and I'm sick of two of my favorite people fighting each other over stupid shit. Your attitude does not gain you any points right now."
I throw him a sharp look and he raises both his hands.
"Look," he then says, "Your connection with Chan is stronger than this little fight. Is it really worth getting caught up on this thing? Or is he maybe worth more than having to be right?"
I roll my eyes and pull up the tights on my thighs.
"Fine," I say after a moment, "I'll try and talk to him again after the show or something. But you need to stop getting my hopes up! Chan moved on."
Felix pinches his eyebrows. "What?"
I lower my voice so no one around us can hear it.
"I saw him flirt with Hana yesterday." I say. "They looked close."
Felix shakes his head. "No, you're misunderstanding this! He-..."
"Twenty seconds, everybody," a small person with a clipboard interrupts us.
Felix pouts at her but I just shake my head. Whatever he wanted to say has to wait.
We get into position, the singers in front of the dancers.
The lights go down.
Sudden complete silence falls over the venue and everyone in it, and even my own heartbeat feels too loud.
Then the music starts and everything fades away.

Nothing in my life has felt like this.
The rush of adrenaline almost pushes me off my feet. I dance like I've never danced before, lighter and better than ever. Everything goes down smoothly.
Every jump, every pose, every stunt. Everything goes exactly as it should, each move perfected to precision.
I can barely see the other end of the stage for most of the songs, the lights are too bright, but I don't have to. My body moves with an assurance it never had before, like it knows what to do, like it has a life of its own. I don't need to think. I don't need to worry. I only need to dance. I only need to listen. I only need to feel.
This is what being high must feel like.

When Stray Kids perform Domino during the second half of the showcase, I stand right there on stage with them.
Between Han and Hyunjin. Behind Felix. Next to Changbin, next to Seungmin. I am all over the stage, but I don't dominate it. I know my place, I know my role. But I can't help feeling like the stage is where I belong.
The booming music, the vibrating floor beneath my feet.
Chi did an incredible job arranging the choreography of Domino to go over into the Thunderous choreography. Smooth and surprising at the same time. The fans scream so loud, I can almost not hear the music anymore.
I know what the boys feel when I see their huge smiles. Even Chan looks radiant. Like a star or the sun itself. I don't look at him for too long, not even when the group of dancers I'm in surround him in a perfect circle and place our hands onto his arms and legs. Then his hand brushes against my back and I turn in time to catch a glimpse of his eyes looking right into mine. I nod to him, and he smiles.
Then I turn away and concentrate back on the choreography.
For the last part of the song, Felix, Hyunjin, and Minho stand on pedestals almost seven feet high. During the rehearsal, they looked like kings looking down onto their loyal subjects. I can only imagine the way they look now, with the lights illuminating them from behind. I can see the pictures going around twitter tomorrow already.

As Felix climbs the pedestal, I get in position between Jack and Lin, turning my body, moving to the thunderous beat. The last counts, we dance in single position formation, filling the entire stage, dancers between Stray Kids.
The song ends with a boom and the spotlights illuminate each member, the three main dancers high above the rest. I turn my head to look at Felix.
I want to see him smile and grin.
Instead I see him sway.
He still holds the ending position, but something is wrong.
Am I the only one seeing this?
Felix then stands, his hands holding his head, his stomach. His entire body leans to his right, as if he wants to find something to hold him up.
But there is nothing. He is on the pedestal, seven feet up in the air. There is nothing but air around him. No one to hold him.
Frozen in place and unable to figure out what is going on, I watch him. Silently screaming for someone to look. To witness what I'm seeing.

And then all strength seems to leave Felix at once.
His body collapses.
He's falling.

The second he slips off the pedestal I hear screams erupt all around me.
I can feel and hear myself screaming, as well, calling out his name. But I don't register it.
I see Felix hit the ground, and that is when it finally shakes me loose.
Changbin, Chan, and Seungmin are already there, bend over Felix' limp body. Dancers are rushing in, people are screaming. I can't make out who, but somebody is yelling my name, too. Someone screams for medics.
Someone else says he isn't moving.
I turn and see Minho and Hyunjin climb off their own pedestals, rushing over.
Fear.
The only thing I can read in the faces around me is true fear.

A group has formed around Felix, a close circle of all the Stray Kids members and the dancers behind them. I am trying to force my way through the crowd.
I need to see him. I need to help him!
Tears are streaming down my face, I am screaming.
Finally, two medics are forcing their way through the crowd and I helplessly watch them pull Felix' body onto a gurney.
Jisung appears in front of me and I throw my arms around him, pulling him close. He's shaking violently, all control over his body lost to the fear, panic, and worry about Felix. He pulls away from me when Chan calls for him to follow the medics off the stage. I watch them, and start to follow them through the crowd.

Then someone grabs my arms, fingers digging into my skin.
"Ollie," Binna in front of me. In her face, pure worry. "You can't help him, Ollie!"
"No, I need to go with him!" I sob, the words barely audible. "I can't leave him! I need to-..."
"They won't let you," Binna pulls me into her arms and shakes me, "You won't be allowed to go with him. They'll bring him to the hospital. He'll be okay. You need to calm down."
I can't. I can't breathe, I can't talk.
Through my tears I watch the medics carry Felix on the gurney away, Chan and the rest of the members following immediately.
I want to hold them, I want to tell them everything will be okay. I want to be with them.
I need to be with them.
"You need to calm yourself," Binna wipes her hands over my face, drying my tears. "They will not let you leave. The show will carry on and we need you here. They will not let you go with them, you are under contract to deliver this show. There is nothing you can do for him right now."
I know she's right. I force air into my lungs. The lights turn off and a voice announces a short break. Binna intertwines our hands and pulls me off the stage.
She says, "You need to calm down and think about your future. If you want to continue being close to them you need to pull through this show. Don't give them a reason to kick you out or fire you."

So I stay.
But the memory of Felix falling off the pedestal doesn't leave my head. I see it every time I close my eyes until the last song is finally done and the show is over. Over.