Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

31

The next morning passes me by like my body is on autopilot.
I barely slept that night, the fight with Chan circling my mind like a soap bar circles the drain in a sink.
To my surprise, Chan looked just as horrible all day long.
An hour or two before the whole thing was over, Felix suddenly arrives next to me in his second stage outfit. He grabs my hand and pulls me off the stage and into a corridor back stage, before he wraps both his arms around me.
"I hate seeing you like this," he says into my hair, "Chan is in pain and so are you, Ollie. He didn't even come out to watch a movie with us after you left last night. He went straight to bed, which never happens."
I curl my fingers into the fabric of his shirt.
"I hate this," I admit, "I know what I said was wrong and that Chan is right. I feel horrible."
He brushes his hands over my shoulders and leans his cheek onto my head.
"Then just apologize," he says then, "Chan feels the same way, trust me. He hates this. You mean so much to him, Ollie, trust me. He hates fighting with you."
I sigh and close my eyes, allowing myself a second of peace.

Last night, I stared at my phone for what felt like hours, hoping Chan would text me. Or maybe he'd call me. Or give any sign of life. But he didn't.
Of course, I didn't try to communicate with him either. I realize now, that I am in the wrong and shouldn't have reacted the way I did to neither Chan, nor Hana. But last night, I was way too proud to admit I was wrong.
I called Binna around 2am and even though I didn't expect her to pick up, she did almost immediately. I told her about everything and she agreed with me and the fact that I need to apologize.
And I want to apologize to Chan. I want to take back everything I said and wipe his memory clear of the images I left there yesterday. I am more ashamed of myself for yelling at Chan than I am for starting a physical fight with Hana, but I know I have to apologize to her, too, eventually.

The only problem is that I don't know how to start.
I'm so scared of making it worse. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing again.
I just want him to look at me the way he did before. Now, he isn't looking at me at all. In fact, he is avoiding even glancing into my direction, constantly turning his back towards me, or shifting his body out of my view.
Tao has noticed it, too, but I don't really want to talk about it anymore.
Not even with Felix, even though I know he would understand.
As I'm still in Felix's arms, I raise my face to look at him.
"What if he doesn't want to talk to me?"
Felix gently presses the tip of his nose against mine and smiles.
"He does," Felix says quietly, "but you hurt him, Ollie. You have to show him that you care about his feelings as much as you care about standing up for yourself."
"When did you become so wise?"
We both chuckle and Felix says, "I've always been wise, you just never been so stupid."
A giggle escapes my lips and I nudge him friendly.
"Asshole."
Felix loosens his embrace around me and places one arm over my shoulder as he leads me back to the stage.
He says, "At your service."

When practice is finally over and we're allowed to go home, I decide it's time for me to talk to Chan.
It's been long enough and I can't stand this silence between us anymore.
Chan isn't with his members right now, so I slowly walk the hallways behind the stage. The venue is huge and the paths behind the stage all look the same to me.
Just when I think I finally recognize the door to the Stray Kids changing room, a soft chatter drives my attention to my right.
Another hallway, smaller than the other ones, leading away.

There's Chan, leaning against a doorframe with his shoulder. His arms are crossed and his head cocked. He is smiling slightly, all his attention on the girl in front of him.
Taller than me. Slimmer than me. Long, wavy hair, as rich as dark chocolate.
Hana. She has both her hands behind her back, twiddling her fingers. She laughs, I can hear it.
And Chan smiles, showing his dimple that I love so much.
Chan is facing me with his body, but he doesn't even notice me. His whole attention is on Hana, who now pulls her hair over her shoulder, cheerily twirling the ends around her fingers. She says something and Chan shrugs slightly, giving her a kind smile, rolling his eyes as if she just made a terrific joke.

For a moment, I just stand there, watching them.
Is this what people saw when I was with him? When we joked and laughed together? Did we look like this, so joyful and like we were in our own little world?
Before Chan can spot me, I turn and walk away.
I don't realize it until I can taste the tears on my lips but I'm crying.
Maybe he doesn't care about me as much as Felix thought, as much as I thought. Maybe the fight didn't bother him all that much after all.
I wipe away my tears before anyone can see them and somehow find my way back to the changing room, where I pack up all my stuff, and go home.