Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

33

My body is numb when I open the door to my apartment.
My bag drops to the floor next to my shoes and my jacket. It's half past eleven. It started raining somewhere in the last hour, my hair is dripping wet. My legs can barely carry me anymore.
All of that doesn't matter.
I check my phone. I texted both Jisung and Seungmin. They told me Felix is awake, but they're keeping him at the hospital over night to make sure he's okay.
He blacked out during the performance and broke his arm when he fell off the pedestal. He hadn't eaten since last night, and the stress and routines of the show did the rest.
I offered to come see them at the hospital, but Seungmin told me they have been sent home anyway and I wouldn't be able to see Felix because visiting hours are over.

I want to call Chan. I want to hear his voice.
He must be so scared. I know how much Felix means to him, the two of them are each other's piece of home. Chan always talks about how important the kids are to him, seeing one of them getting hurt must be devastating. And frightening.
My fingers hover over the phone screen as I stand in my hallway.
But before I can make up my mind, my phone rings in my palm.
Minho is calling me.
I answer immediately.
"Minho? What's wrong?"
His voice is strained. He sounds tired and younger than usually. Like a child.
"Can you come to the dorm? It's Chan," he says, "I don't know what going on with him."
I pull my shoes back on and answer, "What do you mean?"
"He hasn't said a word since we left the hospital. He went straight to his room and won't talk to any of us, he locked the door! We're really worried, Ollie. He never does something like this!"
I grab my keys and pull the door closed behind me. "I'm on my way."

The dorm door opens and Minho waves me in.
I put my arms around his middle and rub his back. I can't imagine the emotions each of them must have gone through over the last few hours.
"He's still in his room," he says into my hair. "We tried everything, he won't open to us."
I nod and step into the hallway leading to Chan's room. The picture presented to me almost breaks my heart.
Jisung, Hyunjin, Changbin, Jeongin, and Seungmin have gathered in front of the door. They're leaning against the wall, sitting in front of it on the floor, leaning against the door itself.
Jisung is the first one to notice me and when he turns his head, I can see he is crying. Hyunjin has his fingers intertwined with Jisung's, quietly trying to console him. Seungmin and Jeongin lean next to each other against the wall. From the looks of it, they're sleeping. They must be so exhausted.
"They don't want to leave until he opens the door," Minho says next to me and stuffs his hands into his pockets.
With Chan out of the picture, Minho is the oldest and I know he feels like he has to be in charge. Like he has to carry all the responsibility and take care of the kids.
I give him a small smile. It's not an easy role to take on.

"Hey guys," I say softly and step closer to the boys, "Would it be okay with you if I try to talk to Channie?"
I look at them nodding and step closer to the door until my forehead almost hits the wood.
I raise my fist and knock tentatively, twice.
No answer. Behind me, the boys hold their breath.
I repeat it, and gently say, "Hey Chan, it's me. Ollie. Can we talk?"
He doesn't answer.
"If he doesn't want to talk to you either, I'm completely out of ideas," Changbin says and drives his hands through his hair.
I place a hand on his cheek, when suddenly, the lock to Chan's room clicks.
I exchange a look with the boys and ask them, "How about you guys go get some rest? It's been a hard day for you, you need to sleep. Maybe make some tea or grab a bite to eat before and then-..."
Minho leans down to wake Seungmin and Jeongin. I wrap my arms around Jisung's shoulders and press his shaking body against mine.
"I'll take care of him," I whisper in his ear, "He'll be okay. I promise."
When Jisung steps out of my arms, I give each of the other boys a long hug goodnight. I've never seen them this exhausted. This broken, and worried.
"You guys need each other now," I say to Minho before he leaves, "If it makes you feel better, you could all sleep in the living room together. Being close might help."
He nods and squeezes my hand. Then I'm alone in the hallway.

I take a deep breath and turn back towards the door.
I slowly turn the handle and open the door.
I expected the room to be torn apart, furniture broken, paper shredded to pieces. I expected to see the battle place of anger and frustration and fear.
But when I open the door, the room is perfectly clean. The lights are off except for one chain of small fairy lights. Chan sits on his bed, his back turned to me, his legs pulled to his chest. He is completely still.
And it's worse than anything I've expected.
I close the door behind me and take a careful step towards him.
Chan doesn't react.

I cross the floor until I stand behind him at the bed.
"Is it okay if I sit here?"
My voice is too loud in the quiet of his room, but Chan finally reacts. He nods and I sit down behind him on the bed, crossing my legs in front of me.
For a moment, I just watch him. He hasn't changed out of his costume, still in the fine pair of pants and silky dress shirt with the black sash. Part of me wants to feel the fabric of it between my fingers.

"Do you want to talk?"
I wait for his answer, hoping he might turn around to me, but he doesn't.
Instead he simply shakes his head.
I nod to myself and reach out my hand until I can place it between his shoulder blades. Chan tenses for a mere second. I can feel his heart beating beneath my fingers.
My fingers draw the familiar patterns on his back.

I AM SORRY
I AM HERE

Chan heaves a shaky breath, a painful mixture between a sob and a gasp for air.
He curls even more into himself, his whole body shaking.
He's silently crying, I realize, and it doesn't even take a second for me to wrap my arms around him from behind.
I hold him, lean my cheek against his back, and feel his body vibrate with each eruption of sobs. It's like the dam has broken.
Like something finally fell off him, freeing him from the chains of having to be strong.
Chan cries, forceful and helpless at the same time. His hand fly up to cover his face, his head.
One of them holds a bright yellow plush bird.
It's Felix' SKZOO doll.
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to help him. But I know I want to, so I hold him even tighter and simply wait.
Minutes pass, but Chan doesn't stop weeping. I press my lips against his back and my hands flat against his chest.

"Breathe," I say, "Take a breath, Chan. Breathe."
His heart is beating against my fingers, rapid and strong. I pull him closer to my chest.
Slowly, Chan calms down enough to breathe steadily.
"That's right," I whisper, "You're doing good. Deep breaths."
Chan finally wipes his face and I look around for a box of tissues. I find one by the end of his bed and reach over to give it to him.
I wait patiently. Maybe he wants to talk now. Even if he doesn't, I'll stay with him if he wants me to.
The room is quiet again.
Chan glances at me over his shoulder and says, almost apologetically, "I didn't want them to see me like this."
I nod. "I understand. Do you want to talk?"
Chan shrugs and looks at the plushie in his hands.
"I think I just want to be held," he says then quietly.
My heart skips a beat. "I could-... I mean if you want to, I could-... Or I could get-..."
"No, I want it to be you," he interrupts me.
I nod and scoot to lean my back against the wall. Then I open my arms towards Chan and he finally fully turns towards me.
His face is a mess, but it doesn't matter. He carefully lays down his head onto my lap and closes his eyes.
I let my fingers sink into his hair and onto his shoulder. With soft motions, I draw circles, untangle his curls. I spot a wool blanket at the end of the bed and drape it over his body.
"I'm here," I say, "I'm not leaving, as long as you want me."