Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

70

Thankfully, I don't meet anyone on my way out of the building. I take the subway home, because I don't know if I still have the privilege of using the drivers provided by JYP.
When I get home, it's already dark outside, but I don't turn on any lights except for the one by my bed.
I drop onto the mattress, kick off my shoes, and crawl beneath the blanket.
I can faintly here my phone ring, but I ignore it, even when it repeatedly ding-dings to tell me I'm receiving messages.

I don't feel ready to face what I just did.
I quit my job. I may get sued.
The whole world knows I am in love with Chan.
I will lose all my friends. I don't think JYP will let me see either of the dancers, and definitely not the boys.
I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to think about it.

The people will hate me.
I can feel the darkness press me into my bed and I just let it. There is nothing I can do about it now. It is out of my control.
Whatever happens happens.
Something inside me starts turning and suddenly I have a new thought.
I am no longer under contract with JYP.
That means I am free to work wherever I want now. I can do whatever I want now.

I scramble for my laptop and open it.
I put in my password and wait for it to load.
Maybe this is a sign.
Maybe this is supposed to happen.
Maybe everything will turn out perfectly fine.
I'm my head, I can see exactly just how the next five years will play out.
Everything will quiet down. Chan and I will stay together. We'll marry, perhaps. Him a successful performer, me the star choreographer for Hybe's newest girl group. The fans will eventually support us and our choices. They'll see how happy we make each other. We're grown-ups, after all, and capable of making our own decisions.

Hybe's offer still stands. I have all the emails, all the information sheets and PowerPoints that I've been sent by Jung Sun-Young.  I haven't answered to her offer yet, but I know Hybe wants me on their team.
That's literally what Sun-Young told me when I got the call back on Jeju Island.
Maybe now is the perfect time to accept their offer.
I am free, after all.

A sudden rush of drive rushes through me and I open my email program.
I select the last email I have gotten from Hybe and press the answer button.
For a moment, I hesitate. What am I going to say? Do they know the reason why I am suddenly free to choose them?
How could they not, though?
Which means, I'll have to be honest. Up front. I can't lie, if I mention it at all.

I start typing.

Dear Mrs. Jung Sun-Young,
I am happy to inform you that I have finally made a decision regarding your offer to make me the leading choreographer for your new girl group.
I am beyond honored to be considered for this position and gladly accept it.

I read over the email again and again.
It seems to short, but anything I might add would make me sound too eager.
However, I am desperate. I really, really want this to happen.
So I decide to add another line.

Please let me know if you want to set up a meeting! I would be very happy to meet the members this week or next!

I nod to myself. That is good.
It's straight forward, yet still professional.
I sign my name under the text, and read over the text one last time.

Just when I'm about to press the send button, I get a notification that a new email has entered my account.
An email from Jung Sun-Young.
My finger hovers over the mousepad and my heart stops for a second.
I save my email in the drafts and open the message Sun-Young has just sent me.

Dear Olivia Park,
In light of recent events surrounding your person, Hybe Corporation has decided to retract its offer to make you the lead choreographer for their upcoming girl group.
Even though we appreciate your talent and passion for the art of choreography and dance, we have decided to distance ourselves in the name of the corporation's reputation from you and the various reports regarding your personal life. We have decided to go with another option for the open position. Below, you'll find a signed non-disclosure agreement, that we ask you to fill out and sign. Please send the complete form back to us by the end of the week.
Please contacts us if you have any questions regarding this email.
We wish you all the best for your future.
- Jung Sun-Young, HR Executive and Analyst

For a moment, I can't move.
Then I close my laptop and push it away, before I cross my apartment and go to my fridge.
This is it. This scandal won't haunt me for the rest of my life.
Nobody will want to work with me anymore, because the drama will scare them away.

I open the fridge and take out the bottle of vodka, that's been in there ever since Hana and Binna have been over to my place weeks ago. The clear liquid swishes in the bottle from side to side.
I take a swig right out of the bottle and wander back to my bed with the bottle in hand, but before I reach it, I stop in the middle of my apartment.
I feel numb. Nothing can touch me right now. The world outside my apartment doesn't exist to me, these four walls are all I have. The world stopped moving.

I have nothing left to lose now.
I am at the end of my line. I don't have a job. I have no offer. I might not have a boyfriend anymore. I have no prospects and no back-up plan.
I have nothing.
I take another mouthful from the bottle and let the thoughts sink in.
I have nothing.
That is when the tears finally fall.

Something overcomes me so quickly and with such force, I drop to the floor right where I'm standing, wrapping my knees with my arms to my chest. I am shaking with sobs so violently, I can barely breathe.
I can't see and I don't know how long it takes until I finally find the strength to crawl into bed.
But I know this is the end of what I thought would be the rest of my life.