Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

59

"What are you talking about?"
Chan sighs and rubs his face.
I can see how uncomfortable he is by the way he can't meet my eyes.
His voice is low when he finally says, "I know how stupid this sounds, but you're the most gorgeous girl I've ever met and I hat to think that others see that too. I feel like you're going to realize sooner or later that they can give you things I can't give you."
I take a breath.
Then I say, "Do you think I'm smart?"
Chan looks at me, confusion pulling his eyebrows together. "Yes, of course."
"And do you think I make my own decisions?"
He nods again, "Yes."
I take his hand. "Then trust me that I am smart enough to decide what I want depending on what I feel. I choose to be with you because of what my heart tells me when I'm with you. I choose to be with you, Chan. I don't want anyone else, and if you can't trust me enough to believe that, then this is going to be a lot harder than is has to be."
I let go off his hand and make my way over to Felix sitting alone next to the chicken pen.

I try not to look at Chan. He needs to be clear on what he is expecting from me. I can't control other people or their reaction to me.
I know what I want, though. I want Chan. And he needs to realize that I am not stupid and I won't be persuaded to change my mind from one second to another.
I understand why he's worried. We won't be able to go out in public, we won't be able to kiss or cuddle with anyone around. But I don't care. I've been wanting to be with Chan for months, I've fallen for him hard.
He needs to trust me. He needs to trust that I would never hurt him.
Trust will be the foundation of our relationship.

I sit down next to Felix, who is holding a white feathered chicken in his lap.
I don't say anything and after a few seconds, he glances at me from the side of his eye.
"What are you thinking about?"
I wet my lips and look at the chicken.
I should tell him. Felix would understand.
"Last night, Chan came to my room," I start and Felix starts grinning, "We spent the night together but nothing like-... we kissed, but that was it. And then this morning, he told me he wants to be with me. Like really be with me."
A small smile appears on my face and Felix nudges me.
"You're kidding!"
I look at his face, the abundance of freckles dancing on his cheeks, and shake my head.
"Oh, my god," his eyes widen and he grins, "I am so happy for you! That is so, so cool! You're like.. our mom now."
I laugh and shake my head.
"Thank you," I say, "I am so happy. I really like Chan, you know that. I don't think I've ever felt like this for someone."
"That is so cute. You two could be really good together. It was really about time," he gently strokes the chicken's feathers, "But what is going on now? I saw you guys over by the goats, it looked kind of.. serious."
I sigh and roll my eyes.
"Chan got jealous over something super small," I say in a low voice, "And I think he doesn't trust me enough to realize that I don't want anyone else than him. I wouldn't be with him if I wanted to pursue other people, and he should know me enough to realize that. He knows me, he's more than just my boyfriend, he's also my best friend."
"I get you," Felix answers, "But you can't forget that being with you is a risk. A huge one, a huge risk to him but also to us. And I love you, but I understand that he feels like he needs to be sure that you.. that you won't walk out on him."
"I know," I groan and rub my eyes, "I just... I don't know. I just don't think it's necessary for him to be jealous. I care so much about him, it's driving me crazy."
Felix nods. "No, I understand that. I honestly think that he's not coming from a bad place, though. He's just a little insecure because being with one of us comes with a lot of hurdles. Like a lot. And I don't mean to sound like an asshole, but if he thinks you're worth it enough to bring the potential problems into all our lives, I think it's understandable that he doesn't want anybody to be able to take it away."
I lean back onto my hands and let my eyes drift over to Chan, now sharing a bag of food with Bin.
Felix nudges me again, "Just give yourself and him a bit of time to easy into this new dynamic. You're the first person he's ever considered to bring into his life like this since we debuted. I think both of you just need to get used to this new situation, that's all."
I look at Felix.
"You are my best friend, Felix," I say to him, meaning every word, "You're so kind and so intelligent and one day you're gonna make someone so incredibly happy. You're so full of love."
I wrap my arms around his shoulders from the side and place a small kiss on his shoulder.
"And I love you," I finish. "Thank you for always keeping me on the right path and making sure I don't do something stupid."
He winks at me, "You got it, bestie."

Later that day, long after we returned from the petting zoo and had coffee with the parents and managers, I find Chan by the beach.
"Hey," I say to him and he looks up at me, "Can we talk?"
"Yes, please," Chan pats the sand next to him and I sit, "I've been wanting to talk to you all day. I am so sorry for what I said at the park, I was really-..."
"Wait," I interrupt, "Let me go first."
A breeze from the ocean is running over us and I shiver. Chan takes off his sweater jacket and hands it to me. His cologne is all over it and I hold the sleeves up to my nose to smell it.
Chan follows my movements, smiling slightly.
"I wanted to apologize to you," I say, "I overreacted. I want you to know that there is no reason for you to doubt me, but if I ever made you feel like there is, I am sorry. I never want to hurt you and I don't want to lose you for anything in the world. Being with you is what I want."
"I am sorry, too," Chan says and takes my hand in his, "I haven't been in a relationship in a really long time and I think I am so afraid of losing you that I get really insecure."
I hide a smile. Felix knows him so well.
Chan adds, "I really want this to work, you and me. And I will try to be more open about my fears."
I press a kiss to his knuckles.
"You mean a lot to me, don't ever forget that," I say, "and I will try to be better for you too. So let's make a promise."

I hope up my pinky finger and he hooks his with mine, waiting for me to continue.
"A promise to always be honest with each other," I say, "And always tell each other when we're uncomfortable with something."
"I promise," Chan says and kisses his hand.
I copy him and answer, "I promise."