Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

36

Monday.
Two days after Felix was admitted to the hospital.
I went to see him yesterday with the boys, as he got cleared and sent home. Apparently, it wasn't as serious as I thought.
A simple break, it didn't even need a huge surgery or anything. Felix looked better than I had expected, eating jell-O and waffles in bed.
He got a cast around his arm and has to wear it for at least six weeks.
He even asked me to sign it, which I gladly did.
I'm so relieved Felix feels okay. So relieved that I went to bed yesterday and slept 14 hours at once. The worry about Felix, and then the worry about Chan, must have taken a bigger toll on me than I had realized.

"Hey," Binna drops onto the floor next to me, as I stretch my legs. "You haven't texted me all day yesterday. Are you okay?"
I look up at her and smile. I take her hand into mine and press a kiss into her palm.
She giggles. "Don't do that, I might just fall for you."
I smirk. Then I say, "I'm okay. Felix is out of the hospital, he's okay, too."
"How are the other boys?"
"They were scared. Worried." I tell Binna about Chan, though I leave out the part where I fell asleep in his arms and all the things he told me. "I was really scared about him. I had never seen him so helpless."
"Well, he is the leader. He carries all the responsibility of the group." Binna takes out a cereal bar out of her bag and takes a bite. "I'm glad you aren't fighting with him anymore though."
"Me too."

The training room door opens and Hana steps inside. Her eyes wander the room, until her gaze halts on me.
I glance away.
I promised myself to apologize to her, but not in front of everyone here.
But then she crosses the room until her feet stop next to me. She lightly taps my shoulder and squats down.
Surprised, I look at her. Binna's eyes widen as she stares at Hana.
Hana's face is a bit paler than usual. She has her long curls tied back into a loose ponytail. A strand has fallen out, tangling over her shoulder. She bites her lip.
Then she says, "Is Felix feeling better?"
There is no sharpness in her voice. Instead, she sounds unsure, hesitating. Her eyes don't meet mine.
"Yes." I answer. "He's home with the boys. They're taking care of him."
Hana nods, and opens her mouth as if she wants to say something. Nothing comes out.
She closes her lips and opens them again.
This time, she says quietly, "My sister is a medical student in her fifth year. She constantly forgets to eat or is too stressed to do so. She blacked out twice already because of it."
I am quiet. Hana has never told me anything about her private life. It occurs to me, that we are practically strangers to each other.
She finally looks up and meets my eyes, sincerity and honesty in them, "What I'm trying to say is that I understand how you must have felt when Felix blacked out on Saturday. It's very scary, but you handled it well."

When she wants to get to her feet, I grab after her hand and hold her back.
"I wanted to apologize, Hana."
She raises her eyebrows in surprise and sits back down.
I take a deep breath. "I shouldn't have attacked you that day at practice. It wasn't very mature or professional."
"I need to apologize too, then. What I said was horrible and not true."
I realize her hand is still in mine when she presses my fingers gently.
"You deserve to be here. You have a lot of talent and I felt threatened by it. I worked very hard to be crew leader and I was scared you would take it from me. I behaved absolutely shitty and you deserved a warmer welcome."
For a moment, I am too stunned to speak.
Hana smiles slightly, her pale cheeks blushing, and swallows thickly.
"If it's okay with you, I'd like to start over and get to know you better. Maybe we could go out for drinks or coffee one day."
I nod and a grin appears on my face.
"I would love that," I say, "I am glad we finally talked it out. I respect the work you do as crew leader and I am not here to take that from you. You're doing a great job."

Hana finally gets off the floor and leaves Binna and me behind on the floor, both of us following her with our eyes.
Finally, Binna murmurs, "The last part was a bit too much, but everything else you said was really sweet."
I roll my eyes and nudge her shoulder as she giggles.
"It was just so surprising," I say then, "I didn't expect her to apologize to me."
"Yeah," Binna sighs, "She never does that. Like ever."

I glance at Binna. Her eyes are still glued to Hana, and she's biting her lower lip, sunken deep into thought.
I narrow my eyes.
Binna's cheeks are just a tiny bit more flushed than usual. She's avoiding to look into my eyes.
"Oh no," I grin, "Someone here has a crush on Hana."
Binna's eyes flit to me and her face pales.
"No, I don't," she says gravely, "I don't have a crush on Hana. She's not really my type."
I purse my lips and let my face speak for myself.
Binna rolls her eyes. "Besides, if someone here has a crush, it's definitely you."
I stick out my tongue and Binna mirrors my movement, before we both laugh.
It's no use denying it anymore.
I like Chan. I like him more than I ever would have thought I would.
I want to spend all my time with him. I am constantly thinking about him. I fall asleep thinking about him, I wake up with his name on my lips. My whole body tingles when he is near.
Sometimes my feelings are so strong, I don't know what to do with them.
And I think Chan likes me, too.
But he's still an idol. Would he be willing to be in a relationship with me if it meant angering his fans?
That thought alone is what keeps me from confessing to Chan. I can't put him in that position.