Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

21

I fiddle with the straps of my pants.
"Nervous?"
Tao stands next to me, watching himself in the mirror. He's wearing an outfit similar to the black outfit I am in myself, though his shirt is white.
I chuckle.
"Terrified," I answer, "I don't think I've ever worn this much make up. My hair is as set as cement. My heart won't stop skipping!"
He laughs and I finally turn away from the mirror.
Behind us, the other dancers are warming up. The girls from ITZY are in another room getting their make up done.
We spent all day yesterday practicing the songs with them, in the practice room and in the studio. I almost couldn't speak to them because their presence is so damn impressive. But then Ryujin cracked a joke and the tension disappeared immediately. They're so nice, so humble and caring. They worked really well with us, executing the practice with experienced professionalism. I almost can't believe their youngest member, Yuna, is three years younger than me. They seem a lot more mature, like they've been doing this for a decade already.

We'll start the performance with Not Shy, my favorite, before going over to Wannabe. The choreography is fun and the songs extremely catchy. Plus, with all the dancers around the ITZY girls, it looks so different. The songs are extremely different from each other, stylistically speaking, which allows us to dance two different vibes. I don't usually dance extremely cute choreographies, and I'm glad ITZY is known for powerful, tactful songs with a lot of feminine confidence.
I prefer to do flirty, confident choreographies that emphasize my body. It's simply what makes me feel best about myself. And though the choreography for Wannabe is very fun to dance and very cute to look at, Not Shy hits differently.

When the five minute mark is called, we get into positions backstage to walk into the stage. Tao and I go over the entire procedure again. I think he noticed how much it helps me to have a direct plan to execute when things are new or stressful for me.
Not Shy choreography.
Run backstage for dress change.
ITZY girls do an introduction of their band and their individual members and roles.
Wannabe choreography.
Leave stage and go home.
It's easy. It's not even fifteen minutes.
I can do this.

And then I just... do it.
Somehow, my body works on autopilot. I immediately find my spot, my body at the ready. And then the music starts and I hear the audience cheer. I see the camera and the lights and the other dancers and the host, but I don't register any of it. Not really.
I am completely in my element, I am so sure of myself I almost close my eyes and let my body do its thing.
Of course, as a backup dancer, my job is to make the main act shine. I am not in the focus, I am not the protagonist here.
But for a very brief moment, I stand in the middle of the stage and a spotlight hits me. I can barely see anything, but for that short instance, I am the main character.
The moment is fleeting and gone as quickly as it appeared, but the feeling stays. I catch a glimpse of Tao and see him grin at me, so I laugh.

Part of the choreography is building a trio with Ryujin in the middle and Choi Min on the other side. As Ryujin sings her part during the bridge towards the end of the song, we squat down onto our heels beside her, doing my favorite move.
"Not shy, not me," she says and I raise my hands in front of my face, before I jump to stand back up and throw my hair around in circles, then a body-roll, and a side-step combo with hip movements.
I have never felt this cool my entire life.
When the song ends, we hold the pose for exactly three seconds before rushing backstage to change.
We have roughly thirty to forty seconds to change into pink and purple sets of the same outfit we've worn before and get back on stage.

The second song goes by just like the first one. Like I'm flying. I don't really understand it, but I am not thinking. I'm dancing around Yeji like it's all I've ever done. I stand behind Chaeryeong and grin into the camera like nothing can touch me.
I am untouchable.
Lia even takes my hand by the end of the song and pulls me into the first line to bow in front of the audience. On her other side, I can see Jake and Bayani, both of them grinning as widely as I am.
This is all I've ever wanted. This is everything I worked for and dreamed of.
When we walk off stage, a few tears roll down my cheeks and Tao wipes them away while laughing.
"You did so well," he says. We walk to the dressing rooms, where a few of the other dancers ask us to take pictures with them. For the first time since I started this job, I feel like these people might actually become my friends.

I undress and thank the stylist for their hard work. I don't take off my stage make up or undo my hair. I want to take part of this night home with me. I want to remind myself of the feeling I had on stage for as long as I can.
I am never going to let this go.