Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

25

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea," I say.
It's Sunday evening.
I am sitting next to Chan in his studio, a camera and his laptop in front of us.
"Don't worry," he says as he plugs in his phone, "It'll be fun, trust me."
I don't know about that.
Chan invited me to join him for this week's Chan's Room episode. At first, I was excited and agreed to it immediately. But now that he's about to start, I am shaking with nervousness. I don't want Stay to think that I'm intruding on their special time with Chan. I want them to like me, or at least accept me.
"Okay, I'll start the room and then I'll introduce you and then you come in," he says and pushes my chair out of the frame. "Like a surprise or something, okay?"

He turns on the camera and steps into the frame.
"Hi there," he says and grins into the camera, "It's your boy, Bang Chan, Christopher Bang, here. How you doing today? Welcome to Chan's Room, episode 423."
He sits down on his chair. Both of our chairs have small wheels and he moves to one side of the table.
Chan is wearing a green hoodie today, which I helped him pick out. The color almost matches my own shirt, though the green on my shirt is a lot brighter.
We did our make up a few minutes ago, though Chan's looks a lot darker than mine, accentuating his beautiful eyes.
He says into the camera, "Today I have a special surprise for you guys! Stay, please meet one of my best friends, Ollie!"
He reaches out with both his hands and pulls me on top of the chair towards him. I roll into the frame and grin awkwardly, waving both my hands around.
"Hi," I say and a nervous chuckle escapes my lips. "Nice to meet you, Stay!"

Chan's body is warm, I can feel his leg bounce up and down next to mine.
"I know many of you guys have probably seen Ollie over the past weeks," Chan says, "because she is one of the backup dancers here at the company. You actually just danced at a showcase for ITZY, right? That was a big deal!"
He turns towards me and smiles calmly. In his eyes, I can read the secret message.
You're doing fine, take a breath.
"Yeah, it was the first time I have ever danced for a showcase so I was really nervous about it."
"I didn't notice it. I don't think anyone did, really."
"You watched it?" I hadn't known he had watched the show the day it aired.
Chan grins and ruffles his own hair, "Of course, I wouldn't want to miss it. It was a big deal! I think you did really well, too! Don't you think so, Stay?"
Beneath the table, I brush my leg against Chan's and he glances at me for not more than a second. A dimple appears in his cheek and I reach out to poke it with my finger.
"Hey, hey, hey," He swats at my hand and I giggle.
I turn my attention towards the screen of Chan's laptop and together we read over a few of the comments.

"Someone asks for how long you have been dancing and if you will consider uploading dance covers of your own?"
He leans back in his chair and my gaze switches between him and the camera. I make sure that my hands can't be seen on screen if I hold them beneath the table.
I scoot a bit closer to Chan, until I can place one of my legs over his and let my fingers trace the lines of the fabric. Being this close to him calms me down right away. Feeling the muscles in his thigh tense, his hand placing themselves into my own thigh ever so casually, emitting an intense kind of heat.
Chan makes my heart race and slow at the same time.
I look back at the camera.
"I started dancing when I was a kid, like maybe eleven years old. So it's just over ten years now. I also have been choreographing a lot of routines, but I've only been doing that for... maybe three or four years. I definitely want to show all the ideas I have. I'm just-..."
I hesitate. I don't think I want to disclose my mental breakdown last Monday.
"Just not sure where to start. There are a lot of people I want to collaborate with in the company, especially the other background dancers on my crew. They're so talented, really! They have so much power and a lot of them have been dancing their whole lives, just like me!"

"Do you want to collaborate with SKZ or other idols?" Chan reads another questions and winks at me, nudging my shoulder. I laugh and drive my hands through my hair.
"Yeah, totally. I mean... I'd love to choreograph with you guys or maybe do a routine for you guys. But honestly, I'm extremely intimidated by Minho and Hyunjin. These two always go the extra mile when it comes to dancing and Minho especially puts a lot of effort in creating your choreographies. I feel like I can't really keep up with him, I don't want him to think my stuff is stupid or weak, you know?"
"No, don't say that," Chan knits his eyebrows together, "I've seen you work, you can easily keep up with Minho and Hyunjin. Felix is a dancer, too, by the way, and he was really impressed by you."
"Yeah, but Felix is my boy, you know, he doesn't count, it's like when my brother would say he likes my work. And when do you guys see me work?"
Chan shrugs and hides his face behind his hands, a small giggle escaping his lips.
"Sometimes, we see you in the studio when you're staying late. You always go over the choreographies or do your own stuff and so on. You never notice us watch you work?"
I grin apologetically and shrug, shaking my head.
"Sorry," I say, "I guess when I'm working I don't really register anything around me. I just got so many ideas for future projects, I can't really focus on anything else when I'm dancing."
"Next question" Chan announces, "What is you favorite food?"
I shrug.
"I don't really have a favorite food, I love all kinds of food," I say and glance at Chan who cocks his head.
He says, "You are weirdly obsessed with salad."
"What? No, I'm not!"
We laugh and he adds, "No, you totally are! You eat it every day!"
I feel my cheeks heat and a giggle erupts out of me, when I say, "Okay, but salad is great! It's so versatile! Anything can be a salad, and that's what people don't understand! Salads are honestly slept on, come on."
"But every day?"
"So what?" I laugh again at Chan's questioning face. "There's pasta salad! Checken salad! Taco salad! Fruit salad! There are so many kinds of salad, it never gets boring, Channie!"
I turn towards the camera and say breathlessly, "So maybe salad is my favorite food but think about it! If I had to choose one food to eat for the rest of my life, I'd choose salad and no one could tell me I'm cheating because anything in a bowl can be a salad!"
Chan throws his head back laughing and wiped away a tear from his eyes, before he leans forward again  to read the next question.
And then the next. And the next. We're going at this for about one and a half hours, but it never gets boring. Stay want to know everything about me.
Do you have any pets?
No.
What's your favorite color?
Forest green.
Where did you grow up?
In San Francisco, but I moved here with my dad when I was fourteen.
Do you have any siblings?
I am an only child. 
What shows are you watching right now?
Sex Education on Netflix.
What's your favorite song right now?
It changes all the time. Sometimes I'll listen to the same song for days until another song I like comes along. I really like Justus Bennett's Cool Kids right now.

Stay and I are carefully getting to know each other and it almost feels like the beginning of a friendship. Some of the comments are weird and inappropriate and mean. But  most of the fans are actually trying to get to know what kind of person I am. In Chan's eyes I can read that this is going exactly how he's planning. He seems happy, very happy and relieved.
And so I am, too.