Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

56

My feet feel sore by the time I reach the house.
Voices travel over to me before I even set foot on the grounds and I mentally steel myself.
Just play it cool.
There is nothing to be afraid of.
"Bro, stop pushing me under water!"
Hyunjin splashes water in Jeongin's face as I walk over the grass towards the pool.
They're all there, the boys lounging around or in the pool, Olivia, Rachel, Lucas, and Hannah with them, throwing balls around, hitting each other with pool noodles.
Felix spots me right away, "Ollie!"
He crawls out of the pool to wrap his arms around me.
"Where have you been?" He pecks my cheek, leaving a wet spot on the skin. "How was your run? Good?"
My heartbeat starts slowing, and I can feel myself relax.
Out of all people in this house, Felix would be the last one to judge me. Not to forget, he gave me his blessing months ago. Felix would understand.
When he lets go of me, he nudges me towards the pool.
"You should come in, the water is so nice," he says, "Or you should probably eat something first, we had breakfast a while ago and you missed it all."
I chuckle slightly, my eyes already traveling  over the various heads poking out of the water.
"Where's Chan?" I ask.
Felix points at the house.
"He's inside, he's helping his mom with something."
"I should probably head inside then," I loosen my arms around Felix' middle, but he takes my hand.

"Felix, I really-..." I start, but Felix pulls me towards the pool, and  grabs after my phone.
"Come on, just one jump!"
"No," I try to pull away, grabbing after my phone, "I'm not wearing my swimsuit, Felix! No!"
But before I can further protest, Felix picks me up and throws me into the pool. I shriek, but there is nothing I can do.
I fall into the water, the cold completely covering me. I wiggle, accidentally hitting someone's face and someone else's butt. When I hit the ground, I push myself up again until I break through the surface.
"What the hell, Felix!" I wipe my hair out of my face, I must look like a drowned rat.
I gasp for air, but I can't deny that it feels like absolute heaven after the hours of walking I just did. I wipe my face again and splash water around as Jisung jumps in my back in the effort to push me underwater. I wrestle him, but he's stronger than I will ever be and my legs give in, which means both of us dunk into water again.

"What's going on out here?"
I freeze.
Chan has appeared, his hands in his pocket, a hat on his head.
His eyes drop down to me and for a moment, there is something close to hurt in them.
"How long have you been back?" He blinks and looks away, but I can see the unspoken other questions in his face.
Why didn't you come see me?
Don't you want to talk to me?
Don't you remember what we did?
I swallow thickly and crawl out of the pool. The others have gotten awkwardly quiet and I push past Felix to retrieve my phone from him.
"I just got back," I say to Chan, "Felix pushed me into the pool."
I don't look at Chan when I add, "I'm going to take a shower."

I walk past him, trying not to touch him.
Everything feels awkward and loaded and close to combustion.
I avoid looking at the others, but I can imagine what they're thinking.
So much for pretending that nothing happened. Chan and I behave like strangers, as if that is not super suspicious.
It doesn't matter now, what's done is done. There is nothing I can do about it anymore, we kissed. We made out. It's in the past, I can't control it anymore.
I repeat this in my head like a mantra as I sneak past the grownups in the kitchen and living room, and make my way into my room.
I turn on the shower and let the steam fill the room as I undress myself and drink cold water straight from the tap.
I try not to take longer than I have to, but my stomach is in knots when I turn off the water again.
I consider just locking myself into this bathroom for the rest of the day, but that's not very mature.
I dry myself off and wrap myself into the towel. I try five different breathing exercises while I knead oil and leave-in conditioner into my hair.
It's no use, though. My thoughts won't stop circling and I can't decide what I would rather want:
Never speak to anyone ever again or blurt out all my feelings right into Chan's face and let him decide what to do with them.

I stare at myself in the foggy mirror.
I look horrible.
The skin under my eyes is darker than usual and my cheeks are slightly sunburned. My lips are dry, which I try to salvage by smearing lip balm all over them. I put on moisturizer and sunscreen, though that only makes my skin feel oily and greasy. My abdomen won't stop cramping and I try to massage my stomach to calm it down.
Everything feels wrong.

When I open the bathroom door, Chan sits on my bed, facing me.
For a moment, I just stand there, unsure of what to do. I am still in my towel because I forgot to take clothes with me into the bathroom.
His head whips up and he locks eyes with me.
He takes me in and has the audacity to blush, making me all but lose all my breath.
"I need to get dressed," I say simply.
Chan nods and looks away. "I can leave."
I shake my head.
"No," I say, "Stay, please. I'll just grab something and get dressed in here."
I grab a new pair of underwear and one of the two dresses I brought with me, and change into the clothes in the bathroom.
When I emerge again, Chan is still there, kneading his hands.

I sigh and walk towards him, crawling into the bed to sit across from him.
I am unsure if he wants to be touched right now, but I take his hands into mine. His fingers are ice cold and his shoulders lose a bit of the tension they were holding when I intertwine his fingers with mine.
"How are you feeling?"
An easy question usually, a good conversation starter.
But Chan looks at me and narrows his eyes, shaking his head.
"I don't know. Not good," he says then, "I think I made a mistake and I need to apologize."
I look up at him.
This is it. This is the end of us.