Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

34

I don't know how long we sit there on his bed.
It might have been minutes or hours.
Just us and the silence and the shadows of the night.
Then finally, Chan says, his voice raspy and uneven, "I could have prevented it."
I know exactly what he means. Felix' fall from the pedestal.
I shake my head, "No, Chan, you were too far away to do something in time."
"He blacked out up there," he answers, "Because he hadn't eaten all day. I should have noticed it, I should have made him eat something before the show."
I gently drive my fingers through his curls.
"I know you think you're responsible for these boys and that it is your job to take care of them," I say, "And to a certain point, maybe that's true. But you're not the only one carrying that burden. You and the boys, you all take care of each other. You don't have to take care of all seven boys by yourself. They're grown, they're adults. Things like this... they happen, but they don't determine your worth as a leader, and certainly not as a friend. Felix loves you, and that will not change. The others look up to you, and they're worried about you. Every single one of these boys loves you, no matter what happens."
After that, he is quiet for a long moment. I continue to play with his hair and Chan's breathing becomes calm and slow.
He has fallen asleep.
"Chan?" I gently shake his shoulder. "Don't sleep, we need to go wash up first."
"Hmmh," he opens his eyes again and sits up, rubbing his face.
I get off the bed and take him by his hand. I gingerly intertwine our fingers and quickly press a kiss to his shoulder.
I don't think about the fight anymore. I don't think about Chan and Hana in the hallway.
Fact is, I am here and I was the only one he talked to. I hold onto that thought for dear life.

I open the door and put one finger to my lips to signal is that we need to be quiet in order to not wake up the other boys.
I pull Chan by his hand across the hallway and past the living room.
As I suggested to Minho, the boys really did decide to sleep together in the living room. None of them wake when Chan stops to look at them for a moment. His sleepy eyes are small and he yawns. I pull him to the bathroom, where I prepare the toothbrush for him and put it into his hand. Then I take a new one from the package out of the cabinet next to the mirror and brush my own teeth.
Chan almost falls asleep while brushing his teeth and I giggle quietly. He reminds me of a little child, the way he closes his eyes and sighs sleepily.
When we're done, I make him sit down on the toilet and take the make-up remover and the cotton pads. I gently wipe the pad over his right eye, then the left. I take another one and remove the mascara stains on his cheeks.
Chan lets me do it, calmly accepting everything I do. Even when I take the washcloth that hangs next to his towels and wet it with warm water, he doesn't flinch.
I gently wipe down his face again, when his hands find their way to my hips.
He pulls me onto his lap and I sit, turned sideways so I can reach the sink and look him into his face.

The cloth is hot when I wipe his face again, and he sighs again.
"It feels nice," he says and I smile.
I brush the cloth along his jaw and down his neck, carefully rubbing away the last stains of his make up, and he opens his eyes.
I don't look into his eyes. I am afraid that if I do, I will want to kiss him, and this wouldn't be the best time to do it. He's vulnerable. He's hurt, and sad, and worried, and probably still mad at me.
So I turn away to wet the cloth again with hot water, and concentrate on the microcosm of details in Chan's face.
The curve of his jaw.
The color of his lips.
The tiny batch of freckles close to his right ear. The small scar on his forehead.
The dimples that I've missed so much and that appear for the first time in the last hours.
Chan's hands find mine and he closes his fingers around my wrists so I'd look up at him.
He leans forward and our foreheads touch.
I find myself leaning into him, into the feeling of his body against mine.
"Thank you," he whispers and closes his eyes.
I whisper back, "Anytime."
"For everything. For taking care of me. It must be pretty annoying for you to have to come here. You probably had plans-..."
I place a hand onto his cheek to get him to stop talking. Then I say, "It's not a burden. Not if it's you. Not to me."
I can feel him lean into me and I slide my arms around his shoulders to pull him into a hug that we both needed.

Then I quickly remove my own make-up and I bring Chan back to his room.
"Can you stay here, please?" He says out of the blue and wraps his arms around himself. Then he adds, "I would like for you to stay here with me tonight."
I nod. I'd do anything to never forget the sight of him in this moment.
Raw. Natural.
He starts unbuttoning his shirt and I turn away with burning cheeks. I hear Chan open his closet and a second later, he presses a black shirt and a pair of soft shorts into my hands.
"Might be more comfortable to sleep in," he says and my eyes catch a glimpse of his naked chest. My breath hitches as I snatch the clothes from him and step outside to get changed.
I use the bathroom to change into his clothes. The fabric is so soft I drive my hands over it and close my eyes for a moment to soak in the feeling and smell of it.

Back in Chan's room, Chan is already in bed, on his phone beneath the covers.
I close the door as quietly as possible and he looks up. His eyes catch on the curves of my legs for just a second, before his gaze wanders to my face. Then he pats the space he made on the bed next to him. I tap over the floor and crawl beneath the covers.
The bed is not big enough for us to leave space between us. Chan's right side is pressed against my left, my other arm almost hanging over the edge.
Chan takes my hand and writes into the palm.

COME CLOSER ?

I watch his fingers move across my skin and how gently he holds my hand in his.
Then I nod and he turns to his side, motioning me to also turn onto my side. Then he pulls my back to his chest and slowly wraps his arm around my waist.
So slowly, it feels like a question. Like he is asking for permission to touch me. I scoot closer to him and pull his arm around my waist until his hand lays in front of my chest.
I can feel every part of his body. His hard chest, his strong thighs. The warmth that always naturally seems to surround him. The wild beating of his heart, faintly but fast, against my back.
"You were right, by the way," I whisper into the dark, "I shouldn't have attacked Hana for what she said. I don't want you to think of me that way."
Chan chuckles and the vibration shakes my soul a little.
He murmurs, "I tried talking to her about it yesterday. To figure out why she hates you so much. I think she is just scared of you and your talent."
I still. And then a groan escapes me and I close my eyes.
"I saw that," I admit, "I thought you were flirting with her. You were laughing together and she giggled and all that."
Chan hesitates. But when he speaks, I can hear him grinning.
"Are you jealous?"
"No," I protest, "I was mad. I wanted to apologize to you already yesterday, but then I saw you with her and thought you had jumped ship and changed sides. I thought you-..."
I take a deep breath. It's dark in the room. I can be brave here.
"I thought you were over me and had decided not to care anymore."

I can feel him press his lips against the back of my head. His chest and mine rise and sink at the same time, absolutely in sync.
He whispers into the dark, "Dont worry. I am not over you. I don't think I ever could be."