Letters On Our Skin || BangChan

28

"She shouldn't go in there," Seungmin says and stuffs a handful of popcorn into his mouth.
Jeongin nods seriously and whispers, "Thats so stupid."
Jisung leans deeper into Minho's embrace and covers his eyes.
"I don't want to see this," he says, "She's as good as dead."
Felix, who sits next to me, pulls the blanket over our legs higher. He grabs for my hand and twiddles with the fingers to distract himself.
"I hate scary movies," he says quietly, "They make me so nervous."
I stroke over his arm to calm him down. He wraps his arm around mine and cuddles in closer with a concerned look on his face.

It's Saturday night. The kids and I are watching a movie at my place. They've brought air mattresses, blankets, sleeping bags, and pillows with them and piled everything around my bed.
We're on movie two and it was Minho's idea to watch a scary movie.
When I look over at him I can see him smile as Hanji hides his face in Minho's shoulder.
Oldest trick in the book.
I hide my own smile by taking a bite from my brownie. Felix made them this morning.

To my other side, Chan hides his face behind a pillow. He can barely look at the screen, nervous giggles coming out of his mouth every time something bad happens in the movie.
I place the brownie back onto the plate and then tentatively reach to intertwine my fingers with Chan's.
His gaze sweeps towards me and his eyes widen. I smile at him, gently pulling on his arm and he understands.
He leans into me a little, and I nod, so he moves closer to me until his side is pressed into mine.
The apartment is dark, the only light coming from the TV.
Chan and I sit on the very end of the group, no one pays attention to us. I know this, which is why it doesn't bother me to take Chan's hand or pull him closer to me.
Showing affection is easy when no one is watching.
He knows this, too, yet I am still rattled with surprise when I can feel his lips pecking my shoulder.
A kiss, so quick and soft, I almost miss it. Like I imagined it.
But I didn't and the heat rises in my cheeks. I avert my eyes and shift my weight to lean closer into Chan. I can feel his chest vibrate and know he is laughing silently.

Being flirty and affectionate with him is easy when it's just us and the boys.
I like him.
I probably feel even more than that for him. But I don't know how to confront that question, how to confront myself about it. And there has been so much going on in my life, in his life as well, that I didn't have the time to think about it further.
Maybe I am afraid to probe the question.
But if I am completely honest, I think Chan may like me, too. We flirt all the time. We cuddle. We hold hands. He compliments me.
We almost kissed that day on the roof a few weeks ago.
But, and this I also have to remind myself of, ever since that day he hasn't tried to kiss me again. And he cuddles with the members. He holds their hands. He compliments them.
Maybe he has lost interest in me since that day.
Maybe I am nothing more than a friend to him now.

I push all those thoughts away. I don't want to question this.
I don't want to doubt this. Not while I'm leaning against his chest, and the warmth of his body is seeping into me. Not while his lips place another quick kiss onto my shoulder, higher now, closer to my neck.
My whole body tingles, my heart skips every second beat.
Whatever it is, it is real for me. And if he doesn't feel the same, I don't want to know. I want to enjoy this as long as it lasts.

"You're so pretty," Chan whispers in my ear.
He is not making it any easier.
I turn my face and look into his eyes. I could lose myself in them.
I want to be brave for a moment.
I let go of his fingers and place my hand on his thigh. The muscles flex for a moment, and I bite my lip.
Neither of us are paying attention to the movie anymore.
I want to be brave for a moment but I don't know what to say. There are too many things I want him to know.
Then I almost tell him. I almost tell him to kiss me.
But I don't.
I just take my hand away from his thigh and place it on Chan's cheek instead.

"What are you thinking about?" Chan asks.
I say, "Just the video release tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous about it."
"It's your first real dance cover, right? Big deal," Chan holds up a gummy bear in front of my mouth and I open my lips. He drops the bear into my mouth. "You worked really hard for it, I don't think you need to be worried. From what I've seen, you did an amazing job."
I sigh. The taste of the gummy bear is coating my tongue, I take another bite from the brownie I put down on the plate.
I've been working on three videos at the same time over the past four weeks. The first one is finally done. Filmed and edited, as of yesterday.
I hadn't considered how long it really takes to make a video like this. Creating the choreography took up three days. Practicing it to perfection took another four days, considering I still had to attend practice for the showcase. Filming it took two and a half days. I don't do the editing, but I am in the room trying to be helpful.
And that's just for a video where I'm alone.
The other videos take a lot longer because I've planned it for larger groups. More dancers, more people making mistakes, more people trying to put in a word. A bigger story, more people to watch and correct. I have never done that before, and the learning process is difficult.

"Do you want us to promote it a little on Bubble?" Chan asks now.
Someone dies in the movie, but I don't really see it.
"That would be really nice," I say and flinch a little, "But don't make it too obvious, please, I don't want them to think I am using your fame for my own personal gain."
Chan chuckles slightly and nods, before taking a bite from my piece of brownie.
On my other side, Felix kneads a throw pillow with his hands. He doesn't look away from the screen when he says, "Will I be allowed to be in one of your videos someday?"
I look at him, surprised.
"Do you want to? Of course you can! I didn't know you'd want to dance with me."
He rolls his eyes and lightly smacks my leg, "Of course I want to! Hyunjin and Minho, too. Right, guys?"
The boys call over from the other side of the sofa, Hyunjin heavily nodding.
"I might just have an idea, actually. I could send you some stuff I've been working on, if you want."
Felix wraps his arms around my shoulders and pulls me away from Chan and into his own chest, "You little dummy, of course! You need to have a bit more confidence in what you're doing!"