Mirage de l'amour (mirage of love)

31

Fast forward a few weeks:

That night that talk I had with gavi really opened my eyes. It made me realize that I shouldnt be with pedri if I'm even questioning our relationship. I've tried almost everything to avoid this conclusion but it just won't leave my head.

"Could we meet? I wanna talk to you" I say on the phone while drying my hair with a towel.

I told pedri to meet me at mine. I ordered some food. I got a bit dressed to not make the mood depressing.

A few minutes later the doorbell rang. It was him. "Holaa" he said smiling and kissing my cheek. This made me feel so bad for what I was about to do. I smile and shut the door. The food had came before him so I set it on the table. "Let's eat" I say leading him to the dining table. We conversed during our meal. Asked him about things at work and his family. He did too.

After eating we sat at the couch. "I wanted to talk to you about something, but I need you to hear me out first" I say in hope he wouldn't jump to conclusions. "Okay?" He said sitting up straight. "There's really no easy way to say this but I think we should break up" I say looking into his eyes. "Que? What?" He says making a confused face. "Why?" He says standing up. "Pedri-" I say also standing up trying to reach his level. "I don't understand. what's wrong?" - "I just- these past few weeks, it's been a constant thought in my head and i tried ignoring them but-" - "it's been on your mind for weeks? Joder Amara" he says with a bit of a tone in his voice. "If were in a relationship, i need it to be fully honest and not having me to question it" i say trying to resonate. "You know what, if that's what you want then fine" he said calmly. I don't understand what i just felt. I felt so worthless. But then again I was doing the same to him not long ago. I didn't say anything, I couldn't, I was speechless, i just looked at him with a slightly confused face.

"You keep doing these things to yourself. You keep making up problems that don't exist. Amara I have tried my best to keep up with you I have tried my best to hold you together but I can't do it anymore"

The moment he said those words made me feel so shocked. He really felt like this."you didn't even hear me out" I say still in shock. He waited all this time to tell me. Was he going to bottle this up until he exploded later on? I didn't know what to say.

He spoke up again, "I cant do it myself, I need you to help me, I can't help you if you don't even want to be fixed yourself. I have tried constantly, but you make up these non existent issues when you're at the closest of where you should be. You push me away all the time. And I understand this maybe be a trauma defense response but it wouldn't have to be if you just understood that in no way or means would I ever try to hurt you deliberately. Amara I'm in love with you. I've tried showing you a lot of times. If you can't simply trust me I don't know how this is going to workout"

At this point my mouth was still shut. I felt my eyes start watering. I didn't want to cry though. He was right.

"You keep indulging yourself in problems you create in your own head. They never existed until you magically made them up. You ruin things for yourself. Why won't you allow yourself to be happy?"

"You don't mean that do you?" I say now with tears rolling down my face.

"Whenever I wake up, you're gone. You're always leaving. Maybe you should just leave for once and all" he says now calmly.

"If that's how you really feel then" I say now firmly while agreeing with him.

"Amara, we can't keep doing this. I love you more than anything. But it's not fair if you keep keep me out all the time . A relationship is supposed to be equal on both ways. You leave me out of your life. I don't even know what's going on with you." He says coming closer.

Instead of replying. I take one last look at him. Admiring his physical beauty and walk straight to the door, indicating it was time for him to leave.

"But you never loved me" I say shutting the door after him.

I couldn't help but to sit on the floor and just process everything that happened. It was so fast. I loved him. I did. He was right. Now that I think of it, I ruin things for myself. I was happy. I was so happy with him. He was my escape from this terrible world. And now I've lost him.

Pedris pov:

She was wrong. I did love her, I do love her. I loved her more than anything in this world. She was my favorite person. And now I've lost her. How was I supposed to go on like this now. It was harsh what had just happened. But she said she had been thinking about it for weeks. My heart truly hurt. It felt so heavy and tight. My throat was closing up. I cant believe we're over. I wanted to marry her. Ive met her parents. She hadn't met mine yet. And now she never will. My mother won't ever meet the woman I truly loved.

I didn't know what to do. Just last week we were enjoying every possible minute together, was that her way of  enjoying our time before she finally decided to leave? I just didn't understand her sometimes. We were so good. I don't understand why she can't let herself be happy. But now I'm questioning if she ever really was happy with me.

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