There were so many things changing in my life.
The fact that I would be changing grades and schools wasn't the only terrifying change happening in my life. There were already too many things that had me confused all over.
One: Hair. There was hair in places I never thought possible.
Two: Period. Every month, I would suffer from painful menstrual cramps and I would start to swear up and down that if God gave me the chance to rewind a year back, I would never wish to grow up faster ever again.
Three: breast and body shape. My breasts were growing at an unbelievably fast rate. At first, one was bigger than the other. And if someone had simply—also mistakenly of course—touched them, I would cry out in pain. Thankfully that phase had passed, but only because my breasts have grown bigger and were now equal in size.
I no longer wanted to play outside. Throw a ball around. Do any basic sport. I just wanted to stay home, sit in my room and listen to music, or just take a quite walk outside so that I could be alone with my thoughts.
I was always lost in my own thoughts, thinking of things I never thought of before. I worried too much about this or that, and I'd become angry at the stupidest things. I could feel it every day. I was changing. I was leaving childhood behind.
I don't know what was happening to me. So many things were taking a toll on my body and life that I didn't know where the beginning or the ending of anything was anymore. I couldn't see clearly what was happening around me. Everything ahead of me was just dark, unseen, mysterious, making me question my life now as a freshman in high school.
As scary as the thought could get, I had a hidden card—my older sister Clair.
She had just graduated from North Lake, the high school I'll soon be going to. It's a shame to not have her there with me, but things didn't work out that way. She was now nineteen and was off to college with her boyfriend Justin, and I was here hoping every day that the big kids would never notice me at school tomorrow.
Even though Clair wasn't going to be there with me inside North Lake, she was there with me on the phone when I needed her.
I want to be like her one day.
Right now, I was on the phone with her, and she was drilling me with pointers about the first day of high school.
"What if" I started, getting a little giddy, "a boy asks me out?"
"If it's on the first day of school, politely refuse."
"What? Why?"
"Honestly, this is not as sweet as you think it is. Just any guy to come up and ask you to go out with him without having the slightest clue who you are is pretty much saying 'hey, you know, I could care less what kind of person you are on the inside, but I think you're going to be a good time and I'm going to put my claws in you before anyone else. It's all about sex now Carly."
"Clair, ew."
"I'm not kidding. So for now, focus on memorizing where your classes are and whose a good girl to have as a friend to sit with at lunch. Boys on the first day of high school—as much as it seems to be the first thing a girl should think about—should be the last thing on your mind."
I sighed.
First day of school and my nerves are fried. I'm breathing in and out to calm myself down and lower my heartbeat speed. I was already in my uniform, and I already washed my face and brushed my teeth. I also took a long shower and blowdried my hair just like Clair told me. But I feel like I haven't done enough. If only I could somehow take someone else's perfect face and put it on mine, I'll be set to go without feeling like this.
