[A/N: December 2016. A clinically anxious Unprettier goes to the arcade.]
--x--
Last December, pumunta ako sa arcade para mag-burn ng calories kuno. Less awkward kasi ang arcades para sa akin kumpara sa gym. Alam kong hindi ito ang landas na itinakda ng Panginoon sa 'kin, kasi may pinadala pa siyang marketer ng gym membership sa main library ng college ko last month. Napunit ko lang din naman 'yung iniabot nilang flyer so wala rin.
Anyway – ayun. Naglalakad ako papunta sa arcade. Wala namang mukhang kidnapper sa vicinity ko. Nothing could go wrong, right?
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Discreetly akong pumwesto sa harap ng Guitar Hero machine kung saan ako maglalaro. Isa itong music game – alam na ninyo, 'yung tipong hindi magiging #authentic ang arcade experience mo sa Pilipinas kung hindi sira ang (at least) isa sa mga button noong machine.
Tahimik lang akong naghintay ng turn ko sa laro, at tahimik lang din akong nag-umpisa ng turn ko maglaro. Iniiwasan ko kasi ang mga usisero – kung hindi nanakawin 'yung ticket o barya sa jackpot mo, pagtatawanan o guguluhin ka naman para iwanan mo sa kanila 'yung game for free credits. Tapos 'di nila lalaruin, ikakamot lang nila sa pwet nila 'yung controller. Or didilaan para sa profile picture nilang may quote ni Gandhi.
Two minutes in. So far, so good. Mas nakafocus ang mga tao sa Deal or No Deal machines at sa screens ng racing games sa arcade, kaya the coast is clear for me to start. Ginusto ko lang namang tapusin ang laro while being as invisible as possible. (Next chapter: "Unprettier discovers video game consoles.")
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A few beats after the game begins, however, a drum beat played by a gorilla on cocaine starts reverberating throughout the entire fucking arcade. Okay, maybe just one-third of it. At dahil hindi pa ako handang maging esports celebrity, I feel my fingers freeze from some kind of brain-induced hypothermia. May possibility din namang malamig lang sa arcade dahil December na ngayon. And when one talks about December, hindi mawawala sa usapan ang mga batang nangangaroling. Tulad na lang ng bastos naming kapitbahay na 20 times nag-ring ng doorbell pagkatapos "mamasko" (read: kumanta ng "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" for 5 seconds). Buti na lang hindi ako pinapanood ng ganoong klaseng mga bata ngayon, right? That may be the only thing that'll make this situation worse.
Onscreen, a huge Viking man in corpse paint starts strumming his guitar in 2006-grade lo-fi.
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"We are liviiiing in a teenaaaage wastelaaaand---"
Pumasok ang isang grupo ng bagets sa arcade.
One of them walked towards, of all places, THE MACHINE WHERE I'M PLAYING, mumbled some incoherent shit to his friends, then before I know it, the whole pack of swaglords were there. I initially presumed they were pleased by my excellent music choice for the game –
Kids, meet my favorite band. The Pearly Velvets. Lead singer: lalaking mukhang raccoon.
Yet my anxiety assumes otherwise. And as much as I want to telepathically communicate to them to STAY OUT OF MY WAY, I can't stop them from prying into my personal space dahil 'di lang naman ako ang tao sa arcade. Oh God, ayaw ko talagang pinapanood ng iba, e. I deserve it for daring to go outside.
I was hoping na ma-fulfill ng mga bagets na dumating ang apathetic millennial / Gen Z archetype by choosing to ignore the fuck out of me, but fat chance with this Guitar Hero machine blaring a rock song, 'di ba. Sana pala lullaby music game na lang ang pinili ko. Buti na nga lang maingay sa arcade, kasi ayaw ko nang isipin kung ano'ng sinasabi nila about me as my fingers grew colder and stiffer.
Bagets Boi: Hoy mga pare, wala na naman kayong napulot na token mga bobong kupal? Panoorin na lang natin 'tong matabang naglalaro ng Guitar Hero para may mapagtawanan tayo!
Onscreen, nagkandaleche na 'yung notes sa sirang arcade machine. Missed. Missed.Missed. Sana mag-dematerialize na lang ako into thin air. I'd make a "victim-blaming" joke, but...
Unprettier: (inner voice) Putangina ninyong lahat. [Tears begin to form on the corners of Unprettier's eyes.] Patron saint ng mga taong may fragile self-confidence, pray for us.
Kung anime protagonist ako, nag-blackout na siguro ako at this point in time. And I can only imagine what the bagets are saying next...
Bagets Ghurl: Bobo maglaro amputa! Gago tangina nagkukunwari pang dumudulas ang daliri, oh. We'll keep on watching anyway, because we love the smell of blood from a coward like you. Kaso, this isn't really me speaking to you, the readers. This jackass author's just projecting her insecurities onto others, and demonizing strangers that may, in reality, be sweet Youth for Christ members praying for the author's pathetic existence, because they all know God won't allow any of His children to be so stupid at this game.
Viking man onscreen: "gaAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!"
Unprettier: I hope the ground swallows me alive.
--x--
First: I am never using my left hand to play Guitar Hero ever again.
Second: Forgettable instance ng katangahan na lang sana 'to, pero naisipan pa ng anxiety ko na mag-act up tulad ng isang ma-attitude na teenager, which led me to walk away dramatically from the machine mid-song. Sabi nga sa twitter, "Most regrets could be avoided by staying at home." Or baka dapat ulitin ko na lang nang ulitin ang paglaro ng Guitar Hero sa sirang controller para ma-desensitize na ako sa kahihiyan. Stupid has the balls, folks.
