A flame in the Storm

Chapter 45

Everyone was waiting for my answer with an abated breath, but I was to crush their hopes. Not because I wanted to but I had to. How could a girl marry who has been violated innumerable times?

"Sorry, I can't," I said getting up, keeping my eyes low, feeling awful to let them down.

"Why?"

"You have been friends since forever!"

"Do you like someone else?"

"Do you need some time to think?"

"What is the problem?"

Questions were asked simultaneously, I couldn't understand who was asking what. Though I was sure I didn't hear Raafay's voice. I couldn't gather the courage to look him in the eye; I left for my room, the voices of our parents drowning behind me.

As I was closing my bedroom door, Raafay stopped it with his hand; pushing it further he came in. I moved back and he locked the door.

I tried to look somewhere else but his eyes, I didn't want to see the pain I was causing him, though it was for his own good.

"I am sorry," he said, "I know I had said that I would wait till you fell in love with me, but every single moment away from you is turning my life miserable."

He took a step towards me and lifted my chin with his fingers, making me look in his genuine eyes.

"I love you, Maria, I have always loved you and the frustration kills me. I long to make you mine. To lie beside you in bed and talk about all the silly things that don't matter until we drift to sleep. To look in your eyes and see as much love in them as I have for you in mine."

I moved my eyes from his unable to look anymore and know how much he meant those words. He continued as I remained silent.

"On my birthday, I wanted to kiss you so badly that it physically hurt me. But I was stopped by the barrier of friendship and religion. I want to tear down every barrier that is between us and I can't wait for it more. Please, I beg you, accept my proposal and make me the happiest man alive in the world."

"I am sorry Raafay," I said, removing his hand from my face, "I should have told you to move on when you had proposed me two years ago, I am sorry to lead you on for so long. There can never be anything between us."

I turned around to hide the tears pooling in my eyes. I didn't want him to know that it was as hurting to me as it was to him but I had no choice.

"Move on!" He said. "Do you even know how many years I have been in love with you?"

"I don't want to," I said faking anger.

"But you have to! I want you to know everything before you make your decision."

Taking a deep breath I lowered my head, no amount of words from him could change my decision. I had to do this because I loved him and I knew I could never give him what he desired. I was doing everything in my power to keep my body from shaking due to anxiety and nervousness.

"I always knew you were important to me but the day you went missing, I realized why. "Remember? you asked me if I have ever visited Coorg?"

I remembered asking him that when we were returning back, he had got tensed and had said no in a reflex. I remember it because I found his reaction weird.

"I did," he said, "Every fifteen days during the time you were staying there."

My eyes widened in disbelief, I had never seen him then.

"To catch a glimpse of you, to keep my heart beating till you return and since the day you came back, my love for you has only grown deeper."

"Please Raafay, stop," I pleaded, "I don't love you, and you must move on!" my heart was pounding in my ears as those words escaped my mouth.

His hands curled into fists and his jaw clenched, I could see the veins in his temple throb. The physical struggle he was going through to stop himself from crying was visible. The room had become so silent that I could hear the clock ticking.

He failed to control his tears with his last words, "you run in my veins like blood, to move on from you I would have to cut every single one of it, but you would still be beating in my heart."

Those words pierced through every wall I had constructed around my heart to deny my love for him and it came out in the form of tears, I wanted to kiss him right there and then and confess that I loved him like a river loved sea, he made me like sea made rain, around him I felt like a pearl in its seashell, safe from the surrounding world. Loving him had made me come alive from the dead and being away from him would send me back to the abyss I had crawled up from.

But I couldn't say all that to him, because I was a broken stone and he was a diamond. I had scars and he was perfection. Intimacy scared me; it was associated with excruciating pain and unforgettable trauma where he deserved someone who would love him like there was no tomorrow. I couldn't give him the pleasure every man desired and I didn't want to keep it away from him.

I couldn't say to him that I am the same girl who was brought back from the hospital; afraid of the dark; only better in hiding that part. Talking to strangers scared me even today, but I masked that fear with a smile. The thought of a guy getting intimate with me left me shaking in fear. I suffered from nightmares and like my body; my soul was scarred for forever.

"You don't understand," I choked, gathering every ounce of courage inside of me to deny him, "I am a mirage."

"Then I will die chasing it."

With that, he opened the door and left.

I slid down the wall, my heart crashing down with every step he took away from me, fighting the battle to run and stop him and tell him how I feel. But I wasn't so lucky that I would deserve a man like Raafay. I prayed that he finds a girl who loved him as much I did, maybe even more.

A/N: Sorry to disappoint you guys, but girls who have gone through sexual abuse in their lives sometimes develop a phobia of men. Though they can talk to them on a professional level, intimacy scares them to no end. There are few brave women who overcome that trauma but they remain scarred for life. Let's pray for women who have gone through such trauma that they gain their happiness in life.