One Day, Maybe. #NewAdult

Ch.5. Sex And Peeing On A Stick

Though we were gathered at Frederick's parents' country side villa to celebrate his daughter's first birthday, I was finding it hard to keep my focus. It was a joyous day, regardless of bitter memory attached to it, we wanted to make sure what was remembered of Arden's birth was how much she was wanted and how much she meant to everyone. She was a little miracle.

So All day, I had tried my very best to pull myself back to the present everytime I would zone out and find myself day dreaming of what it would be like to have James' child, and how different it would be this time around.

To say the beginning of our relationship hadn't been the easiest would actually be an understatement. When it all came about, we were both two stubborn individuals trying to find ourselves. We've gone through pain in order to get to where we currently were. To be able to find value in each other and understand the purpose of another another in each other's lives.

James was my family now, him and all the people around me. Prior to ever meeting him, I was pretty much on my own in the most lonely of ways, that might have one of the reasons why I kept going back to him time and time again. He had broken me, hurt me, and still I had gone back.

I knew, from the moment I had met him, that there was just something about him that called out to me. Something way passed the superficial, way passed what was on the surface, something deeper, hidden within him. Which in the end, I thought was the reason why I could not seem to stay away.

James Darcy had been through the worse in his life, and I think was why he had built barriers so strong, walls so high, that no one was ever able or maybe simply gave up on trying to break through and rescue that little boy who had to witness his father murder his two younger siblings.

When James and I met, we both didn't believe in love and that had been okay, it had worked for us at the beginning because we had both been hurt enough times, been dissapointed equally as much, to understand that love didn't truly exist, or at least that's what we kept telling ourselves in order for us to not lose ourselves in our agony. Being parent-less and having a father who did not bat an eye after killing his own kids, definitely had a way of putting life and love into prospective for you.

We both knew what we wanted from each other, and we had taken without a fuss. We had a deal, he and I, and it had worked because no one was getting hurt, but suddenly, feelings started to form and lines became blurry, with me trying my hardest to get through to him and him doing his best to push me out and keep me away. In the end, it had cost us gravely.

I don't particularly regret any decisions I had made while he and I were going through our rough patches. I had believed that it was what needed to be done at the time, what was best for me. And since then, I had only rarely gone back to the past to revisit said decision.

James had said that the year that we spent apart had been intense for him. He said he had missed me dearly but knew that, once he got over his initial hurt and hatred of my decision, he knew that he needed to work on himself if he and I would ever had the chance of ever working. There was always this voice nagging at him, there in the back of his mind, the one that would constantly make him doubt if therapy was actually what he needed.

He said he always knew he needed me. "Since the very first night, I knew you were different, I just didn't know how and before I could even blink, there I was, unable to stay away from you and falling madly in love with you which was so goddamn scary since I had never truly felt that love before." he had told me one night while we laid in bed after having made love, half of my naked body pressing against him.