One Day, Maybe. #NewAdult

Chp 15: Nightmares Of Red

        It was happening again, that sharp pain I had been feeling in my lower abdomen for the past week. This one though, ten times more intense than the previous ones. I knew what it meant, Eva had told me this was exactly the same sharp, unbearable pain she had felt before she started bleeding all over the bed. It was happening to me, too. Of course I knew what it meant. I had known the whole week because there had been signs along the way, but I had wanted not to believe it. I thought, Oh God, not let it happen. And maybe, just maybe, if I thought it really hard, it wouldn't actually happen. Such a fool I was.

         I startled awake, gasping for air as I felt unable to breathe. The room felt stuffed and hot, the bed I was laying in felt wet. I immediately reached under me. I was certain I was bleeding, my breath coming out ragged while I hysterically started to take off my clothes. I could barely see a thing in the dark, but that was okay, I didn't need to see, I could feel.

          A hand fell on me. I startled and got off the bed. I needed to see it for myself. "Babe, what's wrong?" James' raspy voice called out, but it seemed distant, overshadowed by my own worries. This wasn't the first time it happened, and I was starting to wonder if it would be the last.

          "I have to see." I heard myself say, though my attention still completely focused on taking off my shorts, which I did, then followed up with my underwear that I held in dark, focusing my eyes on it as to be able to see in the dark.

            Nothing.

            That couldn't be. I was certain of feeling that wetness.

          "Jesus, Charlotte, what are you doing?" James reached for the lamp on his side of the bed to turn on the light before he got off the bed and approached me at lightning speed. He grabbed on to both of my shoulders and turned me toward the light to take a better look at me. He frowned, his hair messy from sleep. "You're sweating like crazy." He informed me. I hadn't even noticed that I was sweating, most likely because I was focus on other things, like losing my baby. "What happened, babe? You've been having nightmares for a week now."

          I glided out of his reach, directing myself toward the bathroom. "Nothing." I finally grumbled before entering the bathroom and slamming the door behind me. I turned on the light and sat down on the potty. This was affecting me way more than I thought it would.

         I had this fear of losing my baby which wasn't at all baseless. Nearly as much as twenty five percent of known pregnancies end up in miscarriages and just about eighty percent of those happened in the first trimester.

        This was somewhat of a rational fear and was rendering me unable to even enjoy my pregnancy. I should have been over the moon at the moment, but having people around me like Eva, who had gone through so much loss, made it really difficult. This whole thing was generating so much anxiety in me. I took a deep breath, held it in for a few seconds, before letting it out.

         This was very troubling.

         I grabbed a few sheets of toilet paper and wiped myself, just to make sure there really wasn't anything to worry about, then looked at it.

          Not even a spot of red in the horizon. Maybe that was my cue to just chill the fuck out before I stressed myself out and actually miscarried. Though, I was certain that I would only be able to relax after seeing the obgyn for the first appointment.

         Maybe that was why this particular nightmare was so vivid and terrifying, my twisted mind knew what was to happen the next morning and for that reason, I was  imagining the worse.