5sos Preferences And Imagines

#24 Empty (Ashton) *TRIGGER WARNING*

Like every other day, you immediately walked to your first class of the day as soon as you stepped out of your dorm. Like every other day, you listened to your music, walking the same route, ignoring the same people.

You got to your first class twenty minutes early, like usual, and you settled yourself in the same desk as every other day. The class started and ended with the regular boring lectures and note taking. Nothing abnormal happened until you saw something not new, but unexpected, as you walked down the avenues to get to a lunch restaurant.

Ashton Irwin and his ex ex-girlfriend were back together. They stood on the opposite side of the road as you, holding hands and laughing despite what you told him over the phone who knows how many times.

She was also a close friend of yours, but she was so much prettier than you were, not to mention they were smitten for each other. They'd broken up four times: cheating, nervousness, anger, past relationships coming back to haunt them. Here they were back at it again.

You told them to stop. You explained to them your similar relationship. You told them you worried yourself sick about them, and they needed to stop for their sake, too.

Yet they were back together.

Your heart fell to the bottom of your stomach, and you froze. Tears welled up in your eyes, threatening to pour down your cheeks. You turned on your heel, sprinting the other direction to get back to your dorm room. You just couldn't bring yourself to see them.

You avoided them for a week, staying in your dorm and avoiding them in class. Every time you saw them, your heart ached and you felt . . . empty. They were happier without you anyway. They were always smiling at each other and playing couple games like footsie. You felt so left out again, and you found yourself sprinting out of class every day to avoid them as they called your name.

One day, Ashton caught up to you, clutching your arm to keep you from getting away.

"(Y/n)! What the hell is wrong?" He frowned, turning you to face him. His girlfriend was nowhere around.

"Where's your lovebird?" You spat, your words coming out like daggers. You didn't even care when his face fell. He was stupid, and he was the reason your heart was breaking. He was why you cried every night, and why you were so reclusive.

"What?"

"Where's your wife?" You hissed, pulling your arm away from him, starting to walk away to your dorm.

"She isn't - why aren't you taking to us anymore?" He followed you, catching up to your side.

"You don't need me around. Why do you bother? You're happier without me anyway," you viciously fought off tears, your throat burning.

"That isn't true-"

"Then why is it every time I see you you're laughing and having fun without sparing me a glance? Why did it take you so long to approach me? Why the fuck are you two back together? You two are idiots!" You lashed out, and he flinched at your uncommonly harsh language.

"We can't help it! It's my chance," his voice broke.

"You had your chance four times. She keeps messing it up, so why is this going to be any different?" A tear fell down your cheek as you picked up your pace.

"I don't know," he sped up his speed, too. "I just really want it to work."

"Like how I wanted all of my past relationships to work?" You raised your voice, your tone getting as harsh as you could. "Sometimes you need to let go!"

"I - I-" you sharply turned a corner as he fumbled for words. You didn't have any intent to keep talking. "Why does it matter to you so much?"

"Because I . . . I care so much about you." You stopped talking as you realized you almost let your feelings finally slip. You had been holding in your feelings for Ashton for so long, only dropping the most subtle hints, but you could never tell him. He didn't feel the same.

"I care about you, too." You flinched because you knew he didn't mean it the same as you did. "You have to take care of yourself. We are so concerned for you-"

"Shut the fuck up. No you don't," you whipped around to face him as you hissed at him. The tears cascaded down your cheeks, but you ran as he stepped forward to hug you. You didn't want him to touch you.

You locked the door, dashing into your room as you wept harder than you have every night since you saw Ashton and his girlfriend together. You felt so out of place.

Your phone started blowing up with texts, so you shut it off before Ashton called you again. You were so tired of your heart hurting, sleep deprivation, sore throats, tears, and fake concern. You were so tired of everything to do with Ashton.

You glanced at the door of your bathroom. Memories of your promises to Ashton about never cutting yourself became irrelevant. You used to do it in your classes with a pencil a long time ago, but you never tried a razor.

You loved the feeling of the pencil slowly cutting into your arm just enough to scab over without blood. Wouldn't it feel better to do it with a blade?

You found yourself in the shower with a new shaving razor. You had cuts on your fingers from getting the blades out of the razor, not knowing how to, but you got there eventually.

You lowered the razor onto your thigh, and you became nervous. What if you cut too deep? How do you keep it from showing?

Is this a good idea?

You ignored all rational thoughts, and you put pressure on the sharp object, running it along your thigh. You let out a small gasp of pain, but soon it turned into a sigh of relief. You were right. It felt so great.

The blood ran down the shower drain as you felt relieved by the stinging pain of the new cuts along your leg. Over and over again, you ran the blade across both of your thighs, addicted to the feeling of your legs throbbing, a warm liquid trailing down your skin. It felt like pressure was leaving your body, and you relaxed a little through your pain.

You finished, quickly putting bandages on your legs and slipping on baggy pants. It didn't take long to find a good hiding spot for your razors, and you laid in your bed, feeling only a little better. Nothing could fill the hole, though. You were still empty.

__________
Sorry this is so depressing. This was more of a release for myself, as the same thing is happening to me. I needed to get it out some way.

Please, don't cut yourselves! You are beautiful individuals, and you don't need to do that to yourselves. These are probably meaningless words to all of you, but I truly mean them. Please don't hurt your body. Keep holy the temple, and please don't hurt yourself!!! ♥♥♥