Night Sky (Harry Styles)

29. broken

CHAPTER 29: BROKEN

                             Tuesday, June 6th 2017 - Los Angeles, California

        Sam slams the door to our room shut and quickly takes my face between his hands, forcing his lips onto mine. I don't enjoy a second of it but I'm too much of a coward to tell him that this and he isn't what I want. The more I think about it, the less I understand why it is so hard to break up with him.

 It's not the fear that I will be alone, which is the fear that discourages Harry to break up with Jess. But maybe Harry is right about what he said a night ago. Maybe the only reason I'm in a relationship with Sam is to prove to everyone that I can be in a relationship. And maybe my fear is to fail, to admit that I'm the worst partner someone could possibly have and only good enough for messing around and in breaking hearts.

 Sam takes my shirt off and then his own. He spins us around so he can sit down on the edge of the bed and pulls me onto his lap. Carefully, I sit down and Sam kisses down my neck. My fingers lazily play with the hair in his neck as he tries to get me worked up. His hands crawl up my thighs and under my skirt. But my thoughts are everywhere but here. And worst of all they keep travelling to Harry. I imagine sitting here on Harry's lap and how my skin would be on fire by now, my breathing would be fast and my hands would be eager to touch him.

  "Sam..." I say quietly in hope it will stop him but he probably takes it as a soft moan of his name. My fingers are gently pushing against his chest but he doesn't notice that either.

  "Sam, please." I say a bit more urgent now but he still doesn't stop. His fingers play with the waistband of my panties and that is when I slap his hand away. I don't want him to start anything that I won't be able to end.

  "Stop, Sam." I tell him and his lips leave my neck and he looks at me confused.

  "What did I do wrong?" Sam asks, "You've been rejecting me for the past week and it's seriously getting on my nerves."

  "I..." I can't seem to find any words. There is a lump in my throat and it feels like my skin is too tight for me. I get off his lap and now stand in front of him, nervously fiddling with my fingers.

 I realize that I can't wait until we are back home. I can't pretend to want to be with Sam anymore while also pretending that nothing is wrong. Because everything is wrong, I don't want to be with Sam and I'm a terrible person. The timing might be bad now but is there ever going to be a good time? Once we get back home, everything is just going to go back to how things were before. I can't and shouldn't lead Sam on any longer.

  "You told me that Jess—" I stop myself. I have no clue how to start this conversation. Everyone thinks I'm an expert in breaking hearts and I have done this many times before. But no one has ever liked me like Sam does. Boys like my body and it was easy to reject them because I didn't know them. But Sam and I have been together for more than just a couple months. How do you break up with someone that you have known for so long?

  "You told me that people warned you about me. With good reason. I'm loud, reckless, half of the time I'm drunk. And my rule that I wouldn't date," I take a deep breath but quickly continue before Sam can intervene, "But here I am; dating you and doing everything wrong. And really it's surprising how well you put up with me—"

  "Stella." Sam still seems to be oblivious to where this conversation is headed.

  "I really, really care about you, Sam, and I'm so, so sorry," I say quietly and swallow the lump in my throat that would have prevented me from saying what needs to be said, "But I don't think...This isn't working between us."