Find Me in Philadelphia //nolan patrick

13. A Little Numb and Devastated

It's 1 am

I'm in the elevator going to the ground floor of my building because Nolan is on his way. The hallways and elevator are absolutely empty of any human life. After all, it's 1 am on a Friday night so everyone is out at parties- won't be back for at least another hour or so.

I have my backpack with me, and I filled it with some clothes for the weekend. I haven't told Nolan this yet, but I plan to stay at his place for a few days. I wanna be as far away from this campus as possible. I feel strangely detached from everything. Have I always felt so lonely on this campus? When did it start feeling like a prison? I mean I think I have an idea of when, but still.

Instead of feeling somber or angry, I just feel a little bit numb.

A little numb and outright devastated.

I stand in the lobby of my building with shaking knees, not wanting to sit in fear of falling asleep. I don't necessarily feel tired but I've been sleeping all day- my body is just in that mode. When Nolan's black SUV pulls up, I pick up my back pack and head to the door. As my foot hits the sidewalk, Nolan is already out of the car.

He hugs me immediately, squeezing me tight against him. "Sammy," he whispers. His arms tighten for a second and then they move to my arms, rubbing up and down gently. He pulls back, but keeps me close. I start to cry as he looks at me, his gaze hovering between sympathy and love and worry. "Thanks for coming to get me," I reiterate.

"I know you said you weren't, but I gotta ask again. Are you hurt?"

I shake my head and wipe a tear away from my cheek. "I'm okay."

He's still in his suit from the game, but his hair is a mess. He looks so concerned, all for me.
He looks at the ground and closes his eyes.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't protect you," he mumbles. I shake my head again and reach for his face, my hands coming to both his cheeks and forcing his gaze to rise.

"Stop blaming yourself," I say softly. "Now let's please get out of here."

He agrees. When we get in his car, I reach for his hand. He smiles softly at me but I can tell he feels horrible. Tears continue to fall slowly as I look out the window at the city whizzing by.

Nolan rubs my hand with his thumb and we don't speak- which turns out to be just what I need.

I only need him.

In his building, the lobby is empty except for the man behind the desk, whose head is hidden by yesterday's newspaper. It's a strange and eerie feeling, but parallel to the mood.

As Nolan unlocks the door, I hold onto his elbow. I just wanna hug him and be hugged by him. It might sound clingy, but it's all I crave at this moment, after not seeing him for a week, and after getting violated by another man.

He pushes open the door and then wraps an arm around me to bring me inside. He ushers me to the couch in the living room and we drop down on it.

I curl my body into his, wrapping my arms around his torso and forcing my head into his shoulder. The tears are still coming, slow and controlled. He just lets me cry and cry and cry, holds my body close.

"Do you wanna tell me what happened?" Nolan asks. "Only if you wanna."

I nod and then wipe my eyes of tears. I tell him what happened the whole night, starting with me getting to the party and ending with Alex leaving and saying he'd see me in class.

When I finish, Nolan is pissed.
Not at me, at Alex.

I can't blame him, I am too.

"I'm gonna kill this kid," he says. He stands up, leaving me alone and cold from his lack of touch.