Secret embraces || harry lewis

37

thirty-seven

It's been a couple of days. I quite literally had no tears left to cry. I had a pounding headache which wouldn't stop. My nose was red and my eyes were puffy. But this night, I finally managed to eat something real. I've been living off Ubereats and grapes for three days. The girls came by once again today. Freya managed to get me to shower whilst Talia and Faith made me some food, putting the leftovers in the fridge so I could eat it the next day. I even managed to laugh a couple of times, mostly because one of them said something stupid.

They left about two hours ago and I was alone in my bed again. The light of my TV brightened up the whole room. I've been binge watching criminal minds, it being the only thing that could take my mind off Harry. It was around ten in the evening. I haven't been able to get proper sleep. The vibration of my phone made me pause the episode. Thinking it was Chris again, I picked it up without looking. ''Joan?'' Furrowing my eyebrows at Ethan's voice, I straightened up in my bed. ''Ethan?'' I could hear his heavy breath on the other line. ''Hey, yeah, sorry for not reaching out to you earlier.'' In the background were other voices. ''Don't worry.'' I didn't want him to feel bad. In the end, it didn't matter.

''Yeah, uh, you need to come down here. It's Harry.'' My heart dropped and without thinking, I threw the blanket off my body and walked out of my room. ''Where are you?'' Hearing some muttering, I quickly put on my slides and grabbed my keys before running up to the elevator. I was still in a pair of pyjama pants and a dirty jumper. ''Uh, the-the office.'' Walking into the elevator, I quickly ordered an Uber to my place, glad that it was just a minute away. ''Give me ten minutes.'' I hung up and ran out of the elevator and up to the front door.

My heart was racing. ''Hey.'' I said, out of breath, getting into the first car. Lucky for me it was my Uber. ''Is it possible for you to go faster? It's an emergency.'' Leaning over the passenger seat, I gave the driver a pleading face. ''Oh, yeah, sure.'' He sped up. The roads were nearly empty and thanks to the universe or something higher, we weren't stopped by any red lights. After only 5 minutes, I jumped out of the car and ran through the front door. Impatiently, I called the elevator. But after about ten seconds, I pushed that idea to the side and took the stairs. I could already feel the sweat dripping down my forehead. Taking in a deep breath before opening the door, I was met by a small group of people with their backs to me. ''What happened?'' I breathed out whilst walking up to them. They turned around to face me with worried expressions. ''Ethan, what happened?''

He pointed to the door which led to the studio. It wasn't fully closed, and I could hear glass smashing. ''Fucking hell.'' Pushing myself past them, I entered the studio and walked past the sets just to stop in front of the living room one. I could see JJ trying to pull Harry off the sofa as he tried to grab another plant pot. The floor was filled with shattered décor. ''Harry.'' I said in a stern voice.

Both of the men turned around to face me. All I could see was Harry's painful expression. His eyes were bloodshot, his face puffy. ''What's she doing here?'' Even being further away from him, I could smell the alcohol. ''Mate, you're a fucking mess.'' JJ answered, nearly throwing him to the floor. Harry stumbled up to me, a bottle of beer in his hands. I was surprised that it wasn't broken yet. But judging by the liquid on the floor, the other bottles didn't have the same luck. ''I'm taking you home. Let's go.'' I felt like his mother. ''No, you're not. I'm-I'm going out. JJ. We're going out.'' His eyes were small and I couldn't make out if he was fully awake or about to pass out. ''For fucks sake, Harry. What's gotten into you?'' Furious, he lifted his hand with the bottle in it. ''You, Joan. Going out with that fucking rapper as if nothing happened.'' I took a step back at his outburst. I wasn't used to him getting angry. I've actually never seen him this angry.
''Harry, he took me out to get something to eat. Nothing more.'' Having to lie a little, I started feeling bad. I didn't think the breakup would hurt him as much as it did me.

''You're not coming to work anymore. I-I can fire you, you know. I could, I could just do it, right now.'' Staring at him, I felt my body stiffening. ''You can. If you want to, do it. But that won't change the fact that I'm taking you home now.'' He swallowed hard and for a moment I could see his eyes softening. ''Well, then-then you're fired.'' Nodding, I didn't say anything else. ''I'm firing you, Joan.'' I could see JJ in the background, putting his hands on his head, overwhelmed with everything. ''Alright, let's go.'' I said as calm as possible. I knew that if I'd break down right now, it would only make things worse. ''Didn't you listen to me? You're fired, Joan. You don't have a job anymore. Didn't-Didn't you fucking listen!?'' He shouted at me, taking a step closer. Feeling his hot breath hitting my face, I kept the eye contact. ''I heard you, Harry. I'm fired. Now that you've done that, will you please lead the way?'' Stepping to the side, I pointed at the door.

The rest of the group had entered the studio and was now watching us. ''No-no, Joan, no I won't.'' Shrugging, I started walking up to the door but was held back by him wrapping his hand around my wrist and pulling me back. ''Please don't go.'' His voice was softer all of the sudden. I could hear a quiet sob whilst turning to face him. ''Please, don't-don't leave me alone. I can't- I don't know what to do.'' Hearing his quiet voice, I send the group a small glare to leave us alone. Simon was to first to catch on to it and ushered everyone out of the studio whilst I led Harry up to the sofa. Stepping over the smashed glass and broken frames.

We sat down and the next thing I knew was Harry wrapping his arms around my waist and burying his head against my chest. ''Is it really over?'' I felt a lump creating itself in my throat before shrugging. ''For now it's for the better, don't you think?'' He shook his head before slowly letting go of me. ''I mean look at us, Harry. Maybe we just need some time away from each other. That way we can tell if we actually need each other to be happy.'' I tried giving him a small smile but already felt the tears building up inside my eyes. ''You don't actually believe that, do you?'' I shook my head before thinking of an answer.

''But I know that we can't keep going like we used to. Look, you're right. I might not be ready for a committed relationship. Maybe that's why I couldn't move in with you. Maybe, in a couple of weeks, I'll notice that if moving in with you is what I need to do to be with you, is the right way. But for now, I don't think I can tell you that it is. I love you, ok? I really do. But look at the state we're in because of one decision. Maybe all we need is some time apart.''

I heard my voice shaking as I finished speaking. I didn't stop for one second and had to take in a deep breath before looking at Harry. He was staring at me with tears running down his face. ''If that's what it takes to help you.'' Giving him a small smile, I nodded. ''I think it is.'' We staid on the sofa, sitting next to each other, for a couple more silent minutes. ''I'm ready to go home.'' Spinning my head around, I nodded. ''Alright, let's get you home.''

"You're not actually fired." Harry muttered as we passed the boys. "I think it might be better if I stop working here. For now." I said, looking at the group and then back to Harry, who's lips started shaking. "Oh."