Tempest (Royce/Winston)

094

Jacob's P.O.V.

Learning some of the truth behind my brother's death had impacted me really hard. Finding out that Axel had killed himself instead of being murdered was the thing that really led me to stop taking my antidepressant. Over the next few days I could feel my depression really growing worse and every time I thought about taking my medicine again, I just thought about how Axel didn't have any medicine to take. Axel didn't take any medicine to help him through his depression. I had treated him so bad and I thought that I deserved to feel the exact same way Axel did so that's why I stopped taking my medicine.

I didn't deserve to have them.

Winston continued to check up on me and make sure I was doing okay, but him being around didn't help lift my mood anymore. I was just so tired and disappointed in myself that being around my boyfriend didn't make me happy anymore.

I hadn't gone to school today, it was my third time skipping this week, but I just couldn't make myself get out of bed. I honestly had the feeling of trying to kill myself again, but it's not like I could overdose again because my parents had put a lock on the medicine cabinet. There were other ways to hurt myself, but overdosing was really just the way that I wanted to go out. If I did it right this time, then I wouldn't feel a thing.

I picked up Axel's journal from where I was laying in my bed. There weren't anymore entries for me to read because Axel's last one was just before he killed himself. I had briefly skimmed over a few entries the day I had found out Axel had killed himself. I could've missed some crucial information, so that's why I was going back a few entries and reading them thoroughly.

So I managed to avoid Chresanto until the bruise on around my neck cleared up. It was hard, but it had to be done because if Chresanto saw the bruise then he was going to raise hell until he figured out how I got it. I can't let him know what I tried to do... It would hurt him too much and I don't want that.

I've been feeling even worse since I failed at trying to take my own life. I feel like I can't do it anything right, which is obviously true because I couldn't even kill myself right.

I turned to the next page and continued to read.

Even though Chresanto didn't see the bruise, Jacob did. He gave me a lot of shit about it and I fucking hate him for that. He has no idea how the hell I've been feeling lately. I know that if I were to tell him he wouldn't care, so that's why I didn't bother. I just throw whatever bullshit he said to me right back at him. It honestly doesn't even matter because it's not like I'll be around much longer anyway. I figured out another way to kill myself... I just hope Chresanto doesn't feel like it's his fault.

I furrowed my eyebrows as I tried to figure out why Chresanto would feel like Axel killing himself was his own fault. I turned to the next page and read the last entry in the book before flipping back to the previous page. I stared at the words until they all began to just become one big blur.

Chresanto could feel like Axel's death was his fault because he didn't do anything to help Axel. I didn't get that impression though. The day Chresanto and I physically fought, he pushed me down onto the ground and told me that he might have killed Axel. I ruled that out a long time ago, I didn't think Chresanto killed Axel, and it was now clear that he didn't... So why would Axel's death be Chresanto's fault?

I bit my lip and closed my eyes as I tried to think back to all of the times that I've been with Chresanto. It was like all of my encounters with him was just this one big film and it was playing backwards. My memories with him began with the last time we really spoke and ended with the first time I saw him.

The first time I saw him...

The first time I saw Chresanto, he pointed a gun at me.

I opened my eyes and quickly sat up. I closed Axel's journal and stuffed it in my bag before pushing my blanket off of me and getting out of the bed. I put on my shoes and with my bag, I left my room and went downstairs. My parents weren't home because neither of them could take off of work to stay home so I didn't have to worry about explaining where I was going to anyone. Even though I still hadn't been cleared to drive, I grabbed my car keys from the key ring and walked out of the house. I hadn't driven my own car in ages, but that's not what I was focused on.