SWIM // MITCHEL CAVE

34- Numb

Mitchel's POV

I was numb. Everything that came after those words were a blur, I couldn't process them.

"I'm breaking up with you"

I couldn't believe this was all happening. And it was all my fault.

She looks at me one last time with those eyes I had come to adore, now filled with tears. She lets out a sigh before turning away and walking out the door.

I wanted to run after her, chase her and get her listen to my words. But there was no point, it wouldn't change her mind. I had fucked it all up which I knew I would sooner or later, it was inevitable for me. I just didn't think it would be this soon.

I just stood there, mouth hanging open unable to move or speak or do anything at all. My everything had just become my nothing. We were no longer associated, we were no longer connected; she broke our ties completely and I had never felt such pain.

I don't know how long I had been sitting on my bedroom floor. I don't know how long I had stared at the same damn wall waiting for her to come back, I knew she wouldn't but I had hoped that somewhere deep down she would return like she did before and fall into my arms saying how much she missed me.

I was a mess by the time Christian had found me. It was dark outside and his face grew worried the closer he got to me.

"Mitchel?" He asks carefully "What happened?"

I wanted to speak but no words came out, my throat was dry from all the crying I had done the last few hours. My eyes were red and presumably bloodshot from the fact I had rubbed and wiped at them constantly.

"Mitchel why aren't you packed?" He adds.

I look over at the bed in which I had abandoned my task of packing and clothes were littered all over the sheets and on the floor. I forgot all about it. I pick up my pack of cigarettes which I had made a fair way through at this point, and I light up one.

"She left me" I whisper.

He doesn't hear me and so I repeat it, my voice returning slightly.

"What do you mean?" He asks.

"We broke up" I state.

I continue to stare ahead and not at Christian as I let out a puff of smoke.

"Are you serious?" He asks shocked.

"No Christian" I laugh bitterly "It's all one big fucking joke"

He shuts his mouth at my anger and I felt bad for snapping on him but my emotions were too overwhelming and I had to take out my frustration somehow.

"Why?" He asks.

"What's with the 20 questions? Why does it matter?" I spit "She's done with me and that's that"

"Mitchel I'm sorry okay but don't take it out on me alright?" He spits back.

I look over at him who was now as annoyed as me and before I realise what's happening I was bursting into tears once again and he softly patted my back in a comforting way. He was truly like another brother to me and I was thankful in moments like this where I could confine in him.

I had never cried this much in front of him except when we were younger and I almost broke my ankle and had to go to the hospital. He was trying to help me and send comforting words but he looked slightly scared too, he had never seen me in such a mess.

"I'm sure you can fix this" He suggests.

"Not this time" I sigh "I could see it in her eyes, she's done"

"You have to try" He presses.

"What's the point?" I laugh lowly.

It had only been a few hours and I was already sick of feeling like this. Sick of the pain, sick of the stinging in my eyes and sick of missing her. How was I going to cope? How could I go on tour and sing upbeat songs every night when I was dying inside? If I wasn't so committed, I would cancel. I couldn't do that to everyone, I couldn't let them down. I had already let Jaz down. Even her name was burning a hole in my chest, a hole that would remain empty.

"Why don't you take a shower and get some food and Clinton and I will finish your packing alright?" He says softly.

I lightly nod and head into my bathroom. I stare at my reflection and I hardly recognised myself. I was a mess, a sad, pathetic mess.

This is all your fault

All your fault

You ruined this

You did this

My mind was running circles of words and emotions I couldn't even focus properly. I wipe my eyes one last time and let my hand hang on my cheek, I couldn't even feel it there, I couldn't feel anything.

I strip off my clothes and step into the shower. Normally the hot water and steam would help, provide me some sort of ease but it gave me nothing. Showers were my favourite, I loved to sing in the shower, I basically did my best performances in here. Yet here I was, staring blankly at the tiles waiting for the relief to kick in, but it never does.

Out the shower unsatisfied but at the very least, I was now clean. I wrap the towel around my hips before looking into the mirror again. The water had not helped in the slightest, I still looked miserable. I looked like the ghost of myself, someone who was once there but not anymore.

Would I ever get over this feeling? Would I ever get over her?

Sadness turns into anger as I continue to stare at my own pathetic face and the stray tears falling down. I hated this, I hated how much I cared. I vowed to never let myself get like this again and I put my everything into her and now my heart was in shatters all around me.

My fist collided with the cool glass until I begin to see red. Red pouring from my hand, red blurring with the tears from my eyes. I couldn't stand to look at myself any longer.

"Mitchel? What's going on?" Clinton shouts from outside.

The door was thankfully locked and so I let out a sigh and grab some toilet roll and loosely wrap a bunch around my fist now covered in bloods and cuts.

I unlock the door and look around the floor which now had small shards of glass shattered everywhere. I didn't care about the mess I had made that the others would probably have to clean up. Now my heart wasn't the only thing broken.

I walk out and they were both looking at me, wild with concern and their eyes fall on my hand and Christian let's out a sigh of disappointment. He knew my anger got the best of me and so he really shouldn't be surprised at this rate.

Clinton begins to speak but I merely raise one hand in an attempt to silence him. I didn't need their questions or words of annoyance. I didn't want their pitying looks or concerns. I just wanted her. I needed her. But she didn't need me.

----

Am I playing with your emotions enough yet? Are u guys sad enough yet?

One chapter left, one goddamn chapter and this part is finished. But not to worry my babies, part one was just the beginning and I have BIG things planned for the second that I can't wait to share with you all.