Group Therapy

57 - I Killed Him.

Warning: Sensitive content ahead.

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"Stop your crying baby it'll be alright, we can meet again somewhere, somewhere far away from here."

Sign Of The Times ~ Harry Styles

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I hear muffled noises of two people whispering as l slowly start to regain consciousness.

"can you guys shut the hell up? I'm trying to sleep." l groan and turn on my left side to face the wall instead of them.

"umm, since you're awake now, we need to talk." eli mumbles as the mattress sinks behind me indicating that someone is sitting on it.

"One, I'm not awake. Two, what the hell do you two want?" l turn around and shoot them death glares.

Normally I'm not this rude even when someone disturbs my sleep but with everything that's been going on I've been pretty irritable.

"chase called..." alex starts, sitting down at the edge of my bed.

"great, tell him to go fuck himself." l roll my eyes and pull the covers over my head.

After what chase said I honestly don't want to even be in the same room with him out of embarrassment, l tend to get defensive when I'm embarrassed and his best friend got shot because of me. The guilt and embarrassment l feel at the moment isn't something l could really put into words and it kills me to think about it for more than two minutes so sleeping is the best way to get through this.

Alex sighs and l get a feeling that something serious had happened.

Oh god what is it now?

"ryder went into surgery and..." l sit up and rub my eyes to make my vision a little clearer considering the only light source is the light shining through the bedroom door from the living room.

"he didn't go into details but they had some complications in the surgery and he lost a lot of blood..."

My heart starts pounding in my chest as the air suddenly feels heavy.

"h-he's alright though, isn't he?" l mutter

"he... he lost too much blood... I'm sorry laynie."

I let out a nervous chuckle and say "you're joking aren't you? Not funny alex. Don't do that again."

"laynie I'm sorry... I don't know what to say..."

"alright haha l laughed now that's enough it's not funny anymore, cut it out." l give him a serious look

He doesn't say anything but gives eli a look and he nods before exiting the room.

"why aren't you saying anything? This is a joke.. Isn't it?" l ask as the tears start to perk in the corner of my eyes.

"I'm sorry."

"what are you fucking sorry for? He's not dead, he can't be. I t-talked to him this morning l-l woke up in his arms and w-we were talking about how we both deal with shit, we were supposed to visit his sister after all of this is over.. We.." l stop as the realization hits me.

"I'm so sorr-" alex tries to hug me but l push him away

"No. You're just playing a prank on me, I'll prove it right now hold on I'll call chase." l mumble, tears streaming down my face as l run into the living room, picking up the home phone and dialing chase's number.

"Chase, oh god thank you. H-How is he? Is he out of surgery yet?" l ask

"laynie l can't fucking do this right now, he was my best friend since we were kids and now he's dead! All because he wanted to protect you-" l drop the phone on the ground and run straight back into my room, enter the bathroom and lock the door.

Alex starts knocking on the door asking me to open it but l tell him to go away and eventually he stops knocking.

He's not dead.

"He's not dead, there's just no way that he is. I talked to him this morning, he was fine. The wound stopped bleeding before he even got to the hospital, he can't be dead." l tell myself looking in the mirror, trying to convince myself that it's not true.

"It's all your fault! If he wasn't trying to protect your stupid self he would've been right here with me! Do you hear me? It's all your fucking fault!" l yell and punch the mirror in anger, the glass shattering immediately and falling all over the counter and ground.

"laynie, please just open the door." alex mumbles softly.

"listen we can talk about this okay? Just come out and we'll figure things out." this time it's eli who speaks.

"figure what out? Huh? He's dead! He's fucking dead and it's all my fault!" l cry

They continue to try to talk me out of it but l block out the noises and ignore them.

I want to die more than anything right now but dying would be taking the easy way out.

Ryder suffered all his life and he spent his last few hours in agonizing pain because of me, l deserve to suffer as well.

"why didn't you just take me huh!? Goddamn it why didn't you just fucking take me?! Why did you have to take him?!" l yell in anger, looking up at the ceiling.

Why did god have to take him? Why not me?

I pull my sweater up to reveal the stitches in the now almost fully healed wound and in one swift movement pull the stitches out.

I scream in pain as the blood starts gushing out of the now once again open wound.

"fucking hell laynie, step away from the door!" alex yells and attempts to knock the door down before finally succeeding the thrid time.

"God what the fuck did you do?!" he stares at the open wound and pulls his shirt over his head to place it on the wound.

"eli get the first aid kit." he orders

"no, don't. I killed him, he spent his last hours in pain, l deserve to die in pain too."

"don't be fucking ridiculous laynie you didn't kill him. Shit happens okay? Shit happens and people die, there's nothing we can do about that. Putting yourself through pain will not make the situation better, it won't bring him back to life it won't change anything!"

Eli rushes in with the first aid kit and l close my eyes, tears still streaming down my face.

I killed him, l can never forgive myself for that.

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Oh god guys don't kill me... I'M SORRY AHHH-

I promise you will like the next chapter, just hang on. I know y'all are going to come at me with pitchforks now but please hang on don't stop reading here ryder isn't completely gone 😈😂

Anyway y'all, imma go hide now, thanks for reading this chapter and please don't kill me.

Lots of love to all you beautiful souls, Sera xxx 🖤 🖤 🖤