Words I'll Never Say

♥{93} I hope

August 11th 2017, 23:11

I did love you. I loved you so much I couldn't breathe. I tried to hang on, because I thought you were worth it. I ignored all the voices that kept warning me that I deserve so much better, that giving you another chance means putting my bruised heart in your thorned hands and expect you not to wound it again. You consumed my entire being, and that's why I let you treat me the way you did. I don't know what you got out of destroying me time after time, but I hope you don't put anyone else through that. I waited for you. I gave you a chance after chance and I left you with every goddamn thing I had. And you took it all without a care in the world.

But I was never the one that you would choose over everybody else. You knew that I would always be there for you so you just left me until you needed me. And I kept thinking about every little thing that could be wrong with me, and oh God the list kept getting longer and it began to tear me apart inside. I worried about every little thing I did because I was so afraid that I would do something that would make me lose the little part of you I still had.

If only you knew I trusted you with every part of my soul.
If only you knew I had so many planned surprises set aside just for you, to show you how much I appreciate you.
If only you knew I brag about you to my friends and family.
If only you knew that the reason why I wore that smile again is because I really believed I found someone real.

I hope you're dying without me. I hope whenever you think of me your chest tightens and it makes it hard for you to breathe. Because that's the pain I went through. My chest ached when I thought of you.

I hope one day you will realise I did truly care for you. I hope you will miss me putting up with you, refusing to give up on you. I hope you will regret everything you've done to me, including all the damage you caused. I hope I will be on your mind just as much as you used to be on mine. I hope you will realise how good I would be to you. And I hope I won't be there when that happens.

I hope you crawl back to me again at 2 a.m. when my eyes feel so heavy due to the sleepless nights caused by your absence, I pick up the phone and hear you sigh then say that you miss me. Once I would have given my last breath for you to say that. But I don't want to hear "I miss you" anymore, because those exact words don't mean anything to me now. So I just hope I'll have the courage to say "please don't ever call me again" instead of "I miss you too, come back home".

I hope one day you come across that scarf I left at your place and suddenly you will remember everything that you loved about me, everything that ever moved you to tears, made your insides feel like they were tying themselves into knots. That I was loyal, that I was open for you, that I smiled against your mouth when we kissed. And I hope that all the parts of you that touched me know that you're never going to be able to touch me again and that hurts. And when you realise that I am still the one for you, that you think you should take a U-turn, I will tell you that the person you left behind before, is now dead and gone. No matter what you do, I'm no longer the place you can run to anymore, I'm no longer your home.

I hope whenever you hear someone say my name you can't breathe.
I hope that when your mother asks why I haven't come around in a long while, you have to fight back the urge to tell her that you messed up our relationship, and that you messed me up as well.
I hope that when your brother tells you he misses seeing me, you have to stop yourself before you reply with "me too".

I hope one day you see me so happy that I look like I'm about to explode, and I hope it kills you. I hope you drop to the floor and feel like the breath is being sucked out of you and you realise what you gave up. Because I gave you the world and I kept fighting long after I should have stopped. You don't deserve that.

If only you knew how hard it was for me to accept the fact that you don't love me as much as you promised.
If only you knew how hard it has been for me to move on.
If only you knew how hard it felt to be cheated on.

I might have been worthless to you, but you'll miss me when I've become priceless to another.

So my advice for you, dear reader, you deserve to be loved back and this person will never be the one to give you their heart, and that's fine because you don't need it. Never settle for half hearted love and never need someone who doesn't need you because you deserve more, you deserve so much more.

~ Zeina