Words I'll Never Say

♥{99} I Saw Her

October 15th 2017, 02:22

I saw her today sitting on the bench, reading her favourite book-and I wonder if she'll ever get bored of it. I stopped in my traces and examined her. She's changed. Of course she has you idiot, it's been three months. Yeah, three months since the last time I broke her, three months since the night I saw her beautiful eyes piercing into my soul holding a fierce painful look in them. The image of her red puffy eyes looking me with anger, hurt, and accusation is imprinted in my memory, haunting me every now and then.

I've hurt her.

So I dared to take a close look at her eyes, but careful not to be seen... They were smiling. Yeah okay, how can eyes possibly smile? Believe me, hers can, heck they even dance the salsa whenever she was talking about her passions,... and me. Oh please when did you become so poetic? Since she left me I guess.

She was glancing at the fountain in front of her from time to time. That's what she used to do when she was reading a deep paragraph and needed to let the words sink in. A habit that has never left her.

But she's changed. Her hair is shorter I used to prefer it longer. Exactly, idiot. Well I didn't know short hair would suit her. How I missed laying her on my lap after a tough day, caressing her hair, while reciting Shakespeare for her until she fell asleep and I had to carry her to bed. She looked the most peaceful and angelic in those moments, as if nothing in the world existed but us.

She closed the book and started sipping her coffee that must have become cold by now, since she was too focused on the book and definitely forgot about her coffee. One of the habits she couldn't break.

Go talk to her. I didn't think she would want to see me after what I did. But I found my legs doing as my heart wished anyways. I found them taking me towards my heart.

"Hey, it's good to see you." I stood beside the bench and decided not to sit unless she invited me to. But she never did.

"Hey erm, you too," she replied, still a bit shocked but keeping her composure nevertheless. I didn't know how she could maintain her class and never break that solid wall she had built so you couldn't see her vulnerability. She's always been a strong woman, and if anything she was much stronger now. I could see it.

She put a strand of hair behind her ear and adjusted her glasses, means she'll be listening attentively, also a habit of hers. So I cleared my throat, trying to choose my words carefully. "You've changed." Oh great, that's all you could manage? It's like all the nights I had spent imagining scenarios of what I'll say if I meet her again were forgotten in a split second. Actually in the second her eyes met mine. All those speeches and apologies didn't really matter anymore.

"Well I'd hope so," she replied fixing her eyes on mine as if searching them for something -not an apology, no- a change, perhaps. Then I saw it, the look of disappointment. She probably thought I wouldn't notice it, but I did. She was right though, I did not change. Did I feel bad for hurting her? Yes. Did I regret it? Maybe. But would I do it again? Of course I would, who am I kidding? That's who I am. The one who runs from his problems, from his one true love... I always run.

She suddenly stood up never breaking eye contact with me. But I didn't want her to leave yet. So I asked her if she'd go back if she could, if she'd do it all again, with me. "Yes," she said and her body shook with every rise and fall of her chest. She was on the verge of breaking that wall, her wall, I could sense it. She still saw the good in me. She always would, no matter how many times my irrational actions hit her like a punch to the jaw, like a knife to the throat. No matter how many times I would change my mind. She had never understood that I didn't want to stay. That I wasn't one to stay.

"The only reason why I'd do it again is because it made me who I am today. The nights I spent lying awake, tossing and turning. The times I debated whether or not to call you. That hollow feeling in my chest when it was over all of a sudden-" She was about to break and I couldn't bear seeing her broken again.

"Leaving you on your doorstep with tears in your eyes hurt me as much as it hurt you," I interrupted her.

"But you don't know how to be different, do you? You don't know how to stop running," she retorted, shaking her head. She took a step away from me and wiped a tear from her cheek. "Thank you for the lesson." She smiled then did what I do best, she ran.

~ Zeina