IMPUMELELO

Chapter 23

18 months later

We moved back to Mpumalanga Misokuhle and Zenala moved to Gauteng because Zee has a new job so instead of leasing it they live there and they leased their KZN house Fiso and Miso decided they no longer want anything to do with KZN ,Fisokuhle decided that we build our home in Mpumalanga where our kids will grow up. The project worked out well and they are making a lot of money because they now develop other areas that are in need of such opportunities. So far things have been going well. I am expecting again I am glad we actually tried again, because the way I am being treated makes me feel like a queen. I feel like we deserve this happiness after everything that happened.

I convinced Fisokuhle that we buy a farm I have always wanted the farm life, it seems peaceful and well the seller was in desperate need of cash and its not everyday that you find someone selling land at a cheaper rate. Well I helped him out financially to buy it, I don't even know how I convinced him to agree but I did, but since at the moment we are both busy with other things we have since leased it to others.

Fiso and twin never communicated with their family since that day. I was worried as to what it means for me with what the old lady said about me having limited time. Fiso assured me that they are don't really belong to their father they should have used their moms' surname from the beginning since he never paid anything for them and his ancestors never knew them anyway they basically didn't belong anywhere, so they had to reconnect with their maternal ancestors, they went to speak to their mother and performed some rituals to make sure that his moms' tragic death doesn't happen again to their loved ones and he had to make sure his dead fiancés' spirit is in peace.

I can say that everything is in place for now. I am 5 pregnant so excited I was shopping for some more clothes, I live for that these days being home for too long is boring. I know Fisokuhle will be mad at me for this, he hates it when I drive myself these long distances. I generally enjoy these drives I get to clear my mind and relax. We are expecting another baby boy, I am so excited the doctor assured me this time around that my baby is fine and everything is going well with this pregnancy. I wont lie I was even afraid to inform anyone when I found out I was pregnant, I waited till I was 12 weeks pregnant where chances of a miscarriage have decreased. The trauma of the last pregnancy was a bit too much for me to handle, but I bounced back again with the help of my husband.

I am driving back home I know Fisokuhle is not home so I have to cook because he will be back later. I left the twins with my grandparents they love the twins so much, since we now stay close they always ask to have them over. I don't mind I get to spend time with my husband. Okay WTF this car is going to cause an accident the drivers are probably drunk. I don't like driving beside Polo drivers on the road they are usually reckless. Okay I may need to slow down here because it seems they don't intend to get their act right. Okay this car is coming towards me at a high speed. *CRASH!!!**

Sh*t these people really crashed into my car, Oh my God my baby, I hope my baby is fine. I hope my baby is okay. Ahhh I have sharp pains in my tummy the starring where is compressing my stomach, God please not again. Not again I cant lose this baby again. I am not strong enough to handle this pain again. I can't not again. Okay God lets make a deal take me instead of my child, I cant deal with this again. I cant I just cant. I try to get out and its impossible the stupid seat belt is stuck, this car is up site down and I cant move. My head is heavy but I need to call an ambulance of Fisokuhle I try to reach my phone but its too far I feel my heart beating faster, my temperature is dropping, I feel nauseous, my ears are ringing and I see nothing but darkness.

***

F*ck where am I? The place smells familiar, I try to open my eyes and the lights are too much, they may need to tone it down with the lights. My head still feels heavy my throat is dry and damn my lips feel dry also. Okay let me open my eyes again this time slowly. I open them slowly again and I am faced by a tired face, Fisokuhle what is he doing here? Where am I actually? The events of earlier on start playing on my mind I remember the car crashing into mine and I remember praying for my unborn child, oh my God my child, I want to place both my hands on my belly to feel if my baby is still there. Only one hand can reach my tummy and I don't feel any bump. No, no, no, No! Not my baby. Not again, not again. I am dreaming that's it go back to sleep this is all just a horrible dream.

"Sanele, welcome back let me go and call the doctor." He says and leaves me. So I am not dreaming? Let me try again to hold my tummy it was just shock. I try again and again to feel it nothing, I know it already that I have lost yet another baby. Kanti when will it ever be enough? This is a third child I am losing. He comes back with the doctor. The doctor starts checking my vitals. "Fisokuhle my child where is my child?" I ask and my voice breaks oh I still need water. He looks at me like I just told him some bad news. He looks at the doctor. My eyes are on him, I just don't want to believe that I lost my baby, I was ready to fall in love again with the cute face of my baby I had hoped he looked like me at least unlike his brothers.

The doctor jots something down. The doctor looks at me and makes me count to 10 and then he asks me questions even a 6 year old can answer. I know he is trained to do this and he is just doing his job. I couldn't careless right now I just need to know where the f*ck is my child. "Fisokuhle I asked where is my child?" I ask. He looks at me before he takes a deep breath.

"Sthandwa sami, we.. we lost him." He says. I know and I expected it but hearing it makes all this real. I am not crying this time around. I don't know what the Lord or the ancestors want from us anymore. We did everything we could to make sure something like this doesn't happen again. What now? Huh what. I just look at him and looks broken like he hasn't slept in a while. "How long have I been here?" I ask. " Almost a week." He replies to me and the doctor is writing down something and the sound of the pen and paper are annoying me. Him pacing up and down next to my bed is frustrating the hell out of me. "WILL YOU F*CKING STOP! JUST STOP!" I say shouting at the doctor. Fisokuhle looks shocked my reaction.

The doctor leaves. I stare at the white ceiling I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to see anyone, I just want to be alone, I just want to be left alone, I have had enough, I am not strong enough to handle this, I am not strong enough to deal with this, its all beyond me. I am tired, nothing else I am feeling I just feel tired. I am too exhausted. I don't know anymore. "We heard she woke up." That's my moms voice. They are walking towards me, if only they knew that I am not in any mood to see them. "My baby you are awake." She says. Attempting to hug me. My hand is bandaged and it has a cast even my neck has a cast. So I don't bother looking at her. I zone out I can hear that they are talking to me but I want them to leave. I close my eyes pretending to sleep maybe they will leave.

They eventually leave. Fisokuhle is still by myside. "Fisokuhle, I want to go home take me home, I don't want to be here." I say. "The doctor says you will be ready to leave in 2 days. 2 days WTF! I just want to be in bed in a dark room doing nothing but staring at nothing so I can feel nothing. I don't want to feel anything anymore. This pain is too much. I don't know some women can survive this, I don't know how do they keep trying for a baby after such a pain. I had hopes that this time will be different.

5 days later

I am finally home, its been 2 days since I got here. This place feels different now. The last time I was here I was so excited with the renovations we had done to the house and the rooms which were added. We had even started painting the room the new baby would sleep in. I had an idea of how to decorate everything, but now that will never happen again. Oh my husband has been here since. The doctor told him I am a suicide risk. So he has been watching my every move. Right now he is asleep. Let me make him some breakfast.

I walk to the kitchen and I start preparing breakfast. To be honest with you the doctors were right to place me on suicide watch. Since I got home I have been looking for a chance to try and end my life and right now he is still sleeping he must be tired from watching over me, and my every move. He even removed the locks in all the rooms to make sure I don't lock myself in and kill myself. Some may say its grieve but in reality I am tired of living, I have lived a life of fearing that something might kill me. That if I fell pregnant I might die. I have had too much fear, I think its better if I end it on my terms. Its better I follow the same route my mom followed after my birth. My dad thinks I don't know my biological mother committed suicide, I once over heard him talking to mom.

When I was a teenager I knew I am one of those people who would end their life in their own terms you know. I tried living for my kids but I feel like they will still grow up fine with Zenala taking care of them. She loves them like I love them. Fisokuhle is an amazing father he will take great care of them not forgetting Misokuhle their other father. They will remain loved even when I am not there anymore. It was going to happen anyway, I have been warned that my life has a dark cloud hanging over me, I have brought my husband a lot of problems, I have lived but now I cant anymore, I cant handle this pain anymore. I think its best I set everyone free of my troubled life.