Omerta

Chapter 68

        I knew I shouldn't have come here because this is a place where I associate only happy memories. The last time I was here I'd been overwhelmed and had just gone to visit my father. Then Nick showed up and brought me to this creek so I could paint. It ended up being a pleasant afternoon. Now I'm here again, but I wasn't happy.

 I just knew I couldn't stomach going to the cemetery to my confessional booth, aka, my cousins' grave. I knew I couldn't go to my aunt's house because too many people would be there. I couldn't go to the prison because dad is still in the infirmary, and I have nothing else. No one else. 

I had isolated myself from friends for a long time. Especially when my life turned dangerous. I do hang out with my family, but they worry too much and I need something else. 

Not love and comfort. I didn't know what I needed, I just knew it wasn't that. Probably because beyond the shock and grief was guilt and shame. I don't deserve to be the sad widow. Is it a widow if we weren't technically married yet? I was a shitty fiancé, but I was a good friend. Since we were five I considered Mikhail my good friend. 

"You really have it out for me huh?" I mumbled to the sky. I don't think God exists, but dammit I need to yell at someone. The sounds of the streaming water from the creek, it was always soothing for me. I tried to close my eyes and focus on that sound instead of my thoughts. 

        I ended up sitting there for hours even though it was very dark. I don't think anything dangerous lives in these half woods, it wasn't deep forest just a deposit of trees near a waterbed.  Even though I shivered with nerves, and from the setting cold, I still sat there and stared at nothing. The quiet was welcomed. Everything else inside me is so loud. 

"Giada," I heard a voice and I swear I thought I was hallucinating. There's no way anyone is here in the middle of the night. I've been gone for hours, there's no way anyone else was here. "Gia" the voice quieted some, but was still gruff. When my eyes shifted to the dark figure coming through the trees I just stared. My mind was too weak to even try to find a reason. 

Still in his dark slacks and black button down shirt was Nicolas Luciano in all his glory. He just looked at me for a second.

        "How could you possibly know I was here? Do you have a tracking device on my phone?" I asked him, and I was completely serious. "Your family's been worried about you for hours. You disappeared and stopped answering your phone," he scowled at me like he was scolding me. He was. "Go away Nicolas, for the love of God, just go away," I almost chuckled, but not because I found anything funny. He keeps popping up and each time he does it constricts my chest just a little bit more. I am going to burst soon.

"Where's your phone? They've called you about 50 times," he ignored my comment. I looked around myself and shrugged, "I guess it's in the car." As if I'd been paying attention to details like that in a moment like this. 

When Nicolas took a step closer I stiffened in place. "You need to leave," I told him. "I will, when you come with me," he ordered. "How did you know I was here?" I snapped when I realized he never answered me. "I know you, Gia. How many times do we need to establish that?" he practically rolled his eyes. He pulled me up to my feet and once I was steady I pushed him hard.

        "If you knew me you'd know I don't want you here," I shouted. "Well too bad, you got me," he shouted back. "ARGH" I pushed him again as I released an exasperated sound. "Go ahead, take it out on me," he held his arms open wide, tempting me to unleash my anger on him. "I hate you!" I shouted. "I know," he nodded. Something about his casualness in that response only further constricted my chest until I burst. "I know you hated him! I know you don't even feel bad for me right now! I can't look at you when I know that," I pushed once then twice.