Let Yourself Fall (Liam Payne)

Chapter 35 ~ Darcy

Chapter 35 ~ Darcy 

Concepción is definitely different from London. Maybe too different and I can’t feel welcome here. It’s like every thing here reminds me this is not my home, even when Lizzie and Mum are here. I know I should be fine, I have my family but that… that is not enough and I feel terrible for thinking like that, but I can’t help it.

Almost three months have passed since we came to Chile and started our lives in Concepción. It’s March and Mum is already working in the university and she is loving it, loving her classes and the atmosphere there. I guess she always wanted to be in this place and this world surrounded by other geologists. Every time she gets home with that smile, hugging Lizzie and I, telling us everything that happened… I can’t tell her I’m not happy here.

Lizzie is learning the language incredibly fast and she even made a friend already. A real friend, not just a little kid that she tolerates as it happened in London. They play almost every day and that is helping her with her Spanish. Besides, Mum allowed her to have a dog, finally, so that has her even happier. It’s a girl and her name is Snow, she’s a Samoyed and Lizzie adores her. Now she is always covered in white fur.

Both, Mum and Lizzie, seem so happy and comfortable, like any cultural shock is gone and they already found their place here, meanwhile I keep longing to go back to London, to have the life I used to have. I try to go out, to make friends, but I suck at Spanish and I have had a few incidents when I’ve tried to say something but I offended them instead. I haven’t made a single friend and I can’t start Uni here as journalism is in Spanish and I can barely write a paragraph in that language. I’m alone at home, and that shouldn’t be new for me, but I’ve never felt this lonely. I only have Snow during the day because Lizzie wanted to start school immediately, so she is not with me anymore. I’ve tried to meet new people, but it’s hard when all I can say is hello to them.

I miss my old life. I miss London, the streets, my house, the weather, the people. I miss Carter, my best friend who is not here to support me anymore. I miss Liam so desperately. While we were together, he made me have a life, doing things I never expected to do and now that I’m here I’m even worse than before. This time is not really my choice to stay behind, I just can’t move on. Every time we video call, I feel my voice shattering, dying to be with him wherever he is. It’s so hard to stay so far away from him while he has to go to different countries and cities.

As they released the new album, they started their new world tour and I’m counting the days until they come to Chile, but there’re still a few months to go and even when he wanted to visit me before the tour started, he couldn’t make it.

I miss him so much I feel my heart breaks every time I think of him, every time I say his name, even if it’s only in my mind. Sometimes I fall asleep at night with tears streaming down my face for the life I can’t have anymore, for the people I left behind. I try to be stronger, I try to get used to this, but I can’t. I just can’t.

Everything is so different here. I go the grocery shop and I see people my age, but they are all in Uni, struggling with their classes whilst I do nothing, nothing but crave for a life that is in my past now. Now I realise how much I want that normality, how much I want to be like them. Now that I could be in Uni as Mum is with us but I can’t because I can’t learn Spanish yet, I realise how much I want to be studying, to be preparing my future. I feel like nothing is my choice anymore but I can’t tell Mum that. I can’t tell Lizzie that.

They are happy. They are home. We are together, but I’m miserable. I don’t want to be here, but I want to be with them. I feel so divided; I don’t know what to do. What I want is not compatible with my family, but I also want my family. I can’t choose. But I feel like an outcast here, like I don’t belong to this new life we started with Mum and Lizzie, I don’t belong in this country or city.