Let Yourself Fall (Liam Payne)

Chapter 42 ~ Liam

Chapter 42 ~ Liam

It’s have been a hard time for me, mostly because I’m angry all the time. I’m worse than Zayn when he is moody because he hasn’t slept enough. But I can’t help it, everything makes me angrier and I know I shouldn’t act this way, but it’s just bigger than me. I’ve accepted that Darcy will stay in Chile. She hasn’t told me anything, but I just know it. Nothing will be more important than Lizzie and I know Darcy, she can be unhappy her whole life if that’s what will make things easier for Lizzie. It doesn’t matter she hates Chile, it doesn’t matter if she loves me and we can’t be together. Lizzie will always be more important and I can’t help it, I’m jealous of a little girl, I’m angry because I’m not the most important person for Darcy when she is the most important person for me.

I would do anything for her.

I would travel to Chile every day if that’s what she wanted, I would even quit the band to be with her. Yes, at that extreme. But I’m not just jealous, I’m also selfish because I could do so much just to be with her, but I know she wouldn’t so why should I even try? It’s not fair that I’m the only one who really wants to make this work. I feel like she is not trying, that all she cares about is Lizzie’s happiness.

I do understand. I would do everything for my sisters, but I can’t push my own desires aside. I thought… I thought I was important for her but I’ll never be that important. I want to be with her but if she is not even capable of thinking of herself for a change, how can we make this work when we can only see each other, what? Once a year for like two days?

These past few days everything looks dark and impossible, like there’s no way out and the only way I can handle this, is forcing myself not to think of it. How? Going out like I haven’t done in my whole life, getting wasted every time so I can’t remember a thing the next day. I haven’t even looked what the tabloids are saying and I don’t care. If they want to say I lost it, that having my girlfriend abroad has led me to this, I don’t care. I just need to forget that what I feel for Darcy, how important she is to me… and that is not the same for her.

I feel betrayed.

That’s why when I see her at my door I don’t know what to feel. The hangover is killing me and I try to think coherently, but everything spins around. The ground is not a safe place anymore. And she looks at me like she can’t recognise me, like she is dead worried. I knew she was coming today, but later. I thought I was going to have more time to recover from last night, to pull myself together before seeing her. I wasn’t expecting it to be like this.

“Liam, what happened?” She asks and I have to shake my head, trying to clear my mind but I still feel dizzy. “Liam, are you okay?” She insists and I react, only then moving from the door to let her in, still not saying anything. She steps closer, but her eyes never leave me and the concern grows, more noticeable in her features. “Liam!” She cries out, worried that I haven’t said anything else yet.

“I’m– I’m sorry. I went out last night,” is my answer and I see the surprise in her eyes, in the way she raises her eyebrows. “And the night before. And the one before that and… yeah, I’ve been going out a lot. I must look like shit.”

“Worse,” she answers and her concerned expression changes to a reproachful one.

“Oh no, don’t say it,” I cut her off before she can say what I know she will say. I turn around and walk away, past Brit who is running towards Darcy. “I know what you’ll say. That I shouldn’t go out that much, that I should take care of myself, that this is dangerous giving my condition but it’s just a few nights, it won’t kill me. My kidney is fine.”