Let Yourself Fall (Liam Payne)

Chapter 39 ~ Darcy

Chapter 39 ~ Darcy

Being in Chile is hard, harder since Liam left. It’s like when he boarded that plane, he took part of my heart and soul with him, he took home away from me. I feel again like a stranger in this city where everything is so different. All I have is my mum and Lizzie, but that’s not enough for me to be happy. I need more than that. Family is important, so important for me… but I’ve started to feel trapped and like I’m drowning.

I had a dream the other day, a dream that has made think a lot yet that has made things even more complicated.

I was on a cliff, looking at the horizon. The wing was blowing, my short hair in all directions as I breathed deeply, trying to remember why I was there. I felt different, I remember that, but at the same time I felt powerful. When I took a deep breath something happened, I felt something at my back, like a new part of me that wasn’t there before and when I looked over my shoulder, I saw wings. Huge winds like a bird. And I could move them at my will. But beyond that, at the background I could see Mother and Lizzie holding hands, looking at me with expectant expressions. I tried to smile at them, but it didn’t come out naturally because when I wanted to get closer to them, the choking sensation came to me. I looked at the horizon again, feeling the call of the unknown. When I took a step closer to the end of the cliff, I felt lighter, like that was what I had to do, but then I hear my little sister calling me with a small voice, like when she is about to cry. I wanted to spread my wings and take off flying, but she was calling me. She needed me there, with her. But I wanted to know what was beyond the clouds, what was calling me.

Feeling torn, I looked down and I saw the abyss. A black pit that looked so terrifying. I took a step back immediately, too scared to move closer to the edge. What if I couldn’t fly? What if my wings weren’t enough and instead of going to the clouds, I fell down? Mum and Lizzie were here, safe and sound and I could stay with them, but never know what was waiting for me in the clouds.

“If you want to fly, you need to let yourself fall,” I heard someone saying on my dream and a hand on my shoulder. When I looked to my right, Liam was there, smiling encouragingly. My heart raced when I met his eyes, feeling like I could do anything as long as he was next to me. Feeling whole again.

I was about to tell him something, but then his hand left my shoulder and he jumped off the cliff, down to the abyss without hesitation.

I woke up screaming, never knowing if he flew or fell, just knowing he took the risk and jumped while I stayed behind, without him, where it was safe but where what I wanted wasn’t there.

I’ve thought of that dream since then, trying to give it a meaning and all I could come up with is that if I stay here in Chile, with Mum and Lizzie, I’m just picking the safe side of the story, where all I know it’s here. If I stay with them, I’m not taking any real risk. Someday I’ll get used to Chile, maybe in a few years, maybe I’ll even learn the language and I’ll study journalism, but that’s not exactly what I want or when I want it. What my heart desires is not here, it’s away in the clouds –what I suppose symbolism London, home–, it’s the opportunity of a life of my own. Liam jumped, he is already flying to that kind of life he is building for him, while I stay behind and see him fly farther and farther away from me.

I know what I want for me, I know it’s not exactly here, but I also want to be near my sister, I want to be for her like I’ve been for almost ten years. I don’t want to leave her behind, but I can’t take her with me. Taking her away from Mum is not an option.

And that’s why I’m so afraid to jump, it’s not only because I’m afraid I may not make it, but I’m also scared of losing Lizzie along the way.