What If We Had It All

Tears

"Tears"

|05|

Kalíanna

Do you know the common phrase that says, 'not every house is a home'?

I have grown to understand the term a little too well.

I have lived in a household filled with disconnected, absent and unfeeling beings. Time and time again I watch and bear the chaos that goes on behind closed doors, unable to say anything about it.

While everyone saw my life from the outside and thought it must have been the ideal life becuase I had parents who were married, a beautiful house and enough money to sustain us for longer than we would live.

But were all those things meant suffice the soul and an aching heart?

. . .Atleast not my own.

I shove my clothes in my suitcase one after the other as tears cloud my vision.

A knock at my door causes me to pause.

I don't answer and another follows it.

"Come in," I voice reluctantly.

I don't like people seeing me in a vulnerable state.

Javier scans the mess of a room as I try to pack all of my things.

I'm not even sure what the hell I am doing anymore.

I'm not just referring to my lack of packing abilities but also the storm raging inside the walls of my mind.

He picks up a few things off of the floor and begins helping me with my suitcase.

"Stop eh crying, yuh know mi nuh like see yah bawl." Javier says, pulling me into a hug. The statement was supposed to hold some sentiment but it was Javier after all. I accept his hug wrapping my arms around his torso, resting my head on his abdomen. My tears are soaking his shirt but he doesn't seem to mind.

"Mi nuh wah go home." I whisper more to myself if anything.

"Mi know." He says as he continues to comfort me. "And mi nah force yuh, but yuh affi understand seh while yah soon eighteen, yah nuh eighteen yet."

He pauses before finishing his statement.

". . .Suh we affi be realistic."

That's exactly what I needed to hear but that was nothing I wanted to hear. I appreciate it nonetheless.

I nod understanding what he said completely.

I have no real power until I'm legally an adult. While I'm beyond the age of consent, it barely suffices anything needed to do business. I can't access any of the money I will need to sustain myself or carry out other important tasks.

Javier and I have had this conversation numerous times.

I would say I don't want to go home to my parents and he would remind me why I needed to.

"Mi a help yuh count, just few more months and yuh done." He pulls away to wipe at my tear stained cheeks.

"Good?" He asks.

"Good." I respond.

He reaches in his pocket placing a band of money on the top of my suitcase.

"What's that for?" I question.

"Anything yuh want, a yours."

"Are you taking me home?" I ask, hoping that he would.

"Can do dat, yes. Mek mi know when yuh ready."

With that he left the room.

• • •

I laugh as Javier makes a joke about something stupid we did a year back.

"Eh oman never did a tek nuh check, a pussyclat." He chuckles.

"Shauna call mi a cuss mi out eno." I shake my head.

Javier told his mother that he got me pregnant as a joke. When yuh think seh she did done class him, she start pon my case. If anything she was more of a mother than my biological mother, ever was to me.

She treated me no different than she did Javier, regardless of me not being her own-and trust me-she wasn't biased when it came to our genders. Anything that she would say to Javier, it was the same for me and vice-versa.

The gates of my gated community comes into view and all of a sudden my laughter was no more.

Javier slows down at the security post, and I roll the window down so she could see my face. "Good night, Ms. Jess." Her smile warms my heart. "Good night, baby." She waves as the car drives off and the gates close once more.

I loved it whenever she was on duty. The other securities were as stuck up as the people who lived within these gates.

The car comes to a stop in front of a very familiar pair of tall black gates.

I text my mother asking her to open the gates and she does. A part of me was hoping that she would tell me I'm no longer welcome.

The car enters the driveway and my mother awaits my arrival by the door.

I exit Javier's car and she smiles at me? No at Javier. "Javier, suh yuh treat mi? I haven't seen you in so long." Javier offers a small laugh as he helps me with my bag.

"Just busy, mi busy man."

The tension is as prominent as the
grandiose house that stood before us. My mother demanded that her house made a statement and my father delivered no less.

"I made dinner, are you staying?" My mother asks as he places my bags near the door. "Maybe another time, I have to go now." My mother tries to hide the displeased look on her face. "Sure, I'll hold you to your word." Why is she being so nice? She walks away heading inside.

I give Javier a hug as we say our goodbyes. "Call mi when yuh reach home." I remind him and he nods. "I will." He will not. It would kill him just to dial someone's number.

"Mi know yuh nah call mi." I laugh knowingly.

I watch as he enters his car and drive away. He beeps the horn a final time as he pulls out of the driveway.

Entering the house I notice my mother moving away from the window."You were watching me?" She nods without shame and I laugh, a genuine laugh. I promise you, this woman is not ok in the head. I'm not even suprised anymore.

"What kind of work does Javier do?" She was most likely referring to his flashy car. Of course, she wasn't interested in him before. I guess he was now worthy of her attention.

"I don't know." I lie.

"You should be interested in boys like him. You should start thinking about your future."

She's such a hypocrite.

"Invite him to next week's dinner, I would like to speak with him." I don't pay her any mind. I just make my way towards my room.

I really did hate this house. But my room? I designed it to my liking and in great detail. Comfort has and always will be my number one priority when it comes on to my personal space.

I turn on my TV to catch up on a few episodes of Baddies West because I didn't have much else to do.

After a few minutes of watching the show sleep consumed me.